Life In The Sky

my actual life on wattpad and how I feel about it (please read)

(this a chapter where I let most of my emotions and truth out)

Some people may think that I'm like other wattpaders, roleplaying or updating/making books. But that is only 5% true. The real story is about to be revealed. I don't roleplay often, but I do update and make books most of the time. That is because I always feel...how do I say this...ignored and left out in roleplays. Its either because people don't really think about me much or just that I'm too scared to make a presence. Now, there is another thing I do besides that. I wander around wattpad a lot, although people don't know that I'm there. I'm everywhere. Looking at my notifications, watching people roleplay and thinking to myself whether I should join or not, reading some werewolf books, or just simply thinking of what I should do on wattpad. There seems to only be one, true thing I do all of the time here.

Stay on the side and watch.

I always do that whenever I don't know what to do. I'm always scared that everyone is going to lash out at me for joining them. I. Have. Problems. Many problems, to be exact. And one of them is courage. I don't have enough courage to even say anything on wattpad. I don't have enough courage to speak for myself. I don't have enough courage to do anything. I make and update books so people can enjoy them, but I don't think they actually do. Heck, the only person who seems to do is Crazy_Stripe. She always votes and makes presence here and probably some of my other books and I am truly grateful for that.

Another problem that I have is my life outside wattpad. That is also connected on how I act here. My attitude may seem bright and all of that, but its very different on how I actually feel outside the screen. I'm not laughing whenever I "laugh" on wattpad, I'm exploding when I'm angry on wattpad, I'm not happy when I do stuff thats suppose to be fun on wattpad. I'm sad, lonely, depressed , ect. outside of wattpad. Those times when I seem happy and excited about things, they may be lies.

Sometimes I think about running away or even suicide and I'm not joking.

I. Hate. Myself.

I hate myself in real life, whether its about my appearance, personality, attitude or whatever. I hate myself because I don't fit in with most people. I hate myself because I'm not like others. I  hate myself because I'm not good enough. I hate myself for who I am.  And my mom points that out most of the time. She's always yelling at me because "I can't grow up" or "I can't do things for myself" or "I don't look good enough to go out in public."

I'm not strong, I'm not brave, I'm not funny, I'm not pretty, etc.

I'm nothing.

I'm different, in good and bad ways. Mostly bad because, hello, its me I'm talking about (and don't you dare joke about the "hello, its me" part because I'm literally being serious right now).

I'm going to stop it right here, for now. I will continue this in the future because I know its going to stay the same forever. I'm not going to be surprised if no one really cared about anything I said in this chapter because everyone currently hates me right now. I understand that and I accept it.