Am I Worth It?

Chapter 1

(The link below is made up and does not exist on the internet. Lol in case you were wondering)
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https://www.blogspot.com/Ms.Nobody/entry-day1.Number/amp-html/aspHkksci

Hey y'all,

Do you ever find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing every possible flaw on your body?

I do. I'm guilty of it... doing it every day. I pinch my stomach, my arms, my legs, even my freaking neck. I want the fat to go away and disappear, glide off my body so it won't stick to me and make me disgusting.

Ugh. I think it's time to go on a low-carb diet again and run miles. Otherwise, I can't achieve the goals I want.

Maybe this year, I can have the body I aspire to have, the ones models in magazines flaunt; one that everyone envies.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I'll try to check in daily (or weekly) with you guys on my progress!

Love ya,

Ms. Nobody

[entry :: January 3 2015]

***

I shut my laptop and take a huge breath.

Breathe in, breathe out.

The air rushes out of my nostrils and I feel myself calming down just a bit. I felt anxious, because school is starting tomorrow.

It'll be the first day back from winter break.

I wasn't ready, honestly. I had been working out like crazy for the last two weeks, trying desperately to lose an extra 10 pounds so I could fit into a pair of size 4 skinny jeans.

But the sad reality? In the end, I had only lost 7 pounds, and could barely squeeze into my new size 4 skin tight jeans.

I close my eyes and recall the image of myself standing in front of the full length mirror in my room. I looked like a sausage, shoved into a denim casing. I hated my legs, oh, how I hated them. They looked horrible-- bulky, a little too thick and muscular compared to the skinny leggy girls at my school.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will eat only 1000 calories and run 5 miles after school.

I promise myself this. I need to do this, it's the only way to make progress and achieve my goal.

Still sitting in front of my computer, I walk over to my mirror and look myself up and down, assessing my body.

Tomorrow.

***

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Shit!

Groggily, I tap my hand over my phone screen to stop the annoying beeping of my morning alarm

Damn, I was having a good dream. Too bad I had to wake from it.

I get up from the stiff mattress of my bed and my stomach starts to grumble. Crap, I was really hungry.

And then I remembered. I smack myself on the forehead, reminding myself that today was the day I needed to be strict on my diet. I needed to lose more weight, more fat.

I trod over to the mirror in the corner of my bedroom, the shadows of my figure reflecting back at me.

I perform my daily routine of "self motivation": pinching my stomach, my thighs, my arms; making self deprecating, insulting comments to myself; etc.

You know the drill...

The alarm on my phone goes off again, beeping me back to reality. I groan; I've spent 10 full minutes uselessly staring at my body and haven't gotten ready for school yet.

I quickly slip on some old, broken in black jeans with an off the shoulder knit sweater. I glance over at my beloved skinny jeans that are too skinny for me-- I guess I'll have to wait before I can fit into those.

***

I imagine what the kids at Oak Hill Prep see when they see me from the outside of my car.

Nothing?

Probably, since my windows are tinted. All they'll see would be a little black sedan parked badly between two crudely painted white lines on asphalt.

I inwardly cringe at my terrible parking job. I probably shouldn't  even be carrying my license, but hey, I haven't gotten into an accident yet right?

My keys jingle from my backpack as I stride towards the school-- a big, white and grey blocky building that supposedly benefits the future influential and wealthy generations with an "elite education".

Right before I reach the front entrance, my phone starts blowing up like crazy in my pocket.

"Hey girl, how u been? We need to talk before 1st block!!" Reads a text from my friend Jasmine.

"Missed u! Let's eat lunch together!" Says one from Mia.

"Omg just got my second semester schedule. We need to talk asap!" 

And so on.

My phone vibrates one second after the other, text after text.

These are my 'friends' who have not said a word to me during winter break.  They expect me to gush over them with an equal amount of fakeness they show me. Not in a million freaking years.

I finally reach the concrete stairs under Oak Hill Academy. My feet feel like stones, hitting each stair with a soft thud and click as I go up.

I lose footing on the last step and find myself in the arms of some confused kid. I feel my face turning pink as I slowly realize his hands were holding me up by my arms.

"You alright there?" the same guy asks me. I quickly push myself away out of embarrassment and give a quick nod. Without even meeting his eyes, I scurry off to my first class.