To The Other Side (Fiolee)

A/N (Why I have been gone)

Its been almost two months since I updated. I guess I owe you all an explanation. 

I'm falling pretty much. I have encontured a lot of stuff this year that has finally gotten to me. I'm a mess I have no self esteem, backbone, and not a drop of ego left. I would bet 100 bucks that I am depressed, have anxiety, and probably an eating disorder. No I haven't gotten diagnosed but it would make sense. My emotions are honestly everywhere and there are some days where I don't feel anything. I'm sad all the time and I keep thinking back on small things over and over again. 

I'm not happy with my weight and have gone days without our food only to gorge myself and then cry about it. I lost weight rapidly  to the point where it was scary. Finally I noticed that because I did this I can barely eat anymore and I have gotten weak. Luckily I haven't forced myself to puke and I don't plan on doing it anytime soon. 

There was a time during these months that I cut but luckily I am in month clean now so I that's an accomplishment. 

I guess this all started up because I'm pretty meek. Once I find someone or something I like I'm stuck with it. Unluckily this behavior I had paved my downfall. In the beginning of the year I met a guy. I should have ran then but I thought he was nice and his friends and my friends merged. 

Now I'm a hopeless romantic so I devolped a small crush on him. He found out of course because of gossip and well let's just say he wasn't nice about it. After that I was outlasted from my friend group and had to get used to a new one. For some reason I can't get over him. I don't know why its just something in me wont stop. 

It's probably because he judged me based off of rumors and I want to fix things. I want to fix everything. I hate knowing I'm hated it truly pains me. I should have seen then that he was more or less a fuck boy but I was weak. My nature let a ton of people walk all over me.

As of late I have gained friends back in the group and the guy well I could care less at this point.

I'm tired of being walked on. 

I'm tired of never being seen as enough.

I'm tired of being second in everyone heart. I don't have anyone who would out me as there first choice. The only person who did is dating someone and looooooovess him so ducking much that it's disgusting. I miss her but she barely cares. She's probably fed up with my whining. Just like everyone else.

Relationships and crushes destroyed me. I hate seeing them. All they have done is hurt me and take people a way from me. 

Whenever I feel like I have a good solid relationship with someone distance is made or it breaks. Maybe I'm just to boring.

Whatever the reason I feel detached. 

I'm feelin a little better now but it'll take a lot of time. I keep struggling but it'll be fine. 

I hope to get better. I want to write again I want to live again. But right now I really hurt.

It's so bad but It's hard to get help.

Ya... sorry if this is really sad or something. Don't put hate in the comments please I'm not doing this for attention I just thought I should explain to some of the readers who read this. I'll get bette soon then I'll update.

Thanks for understanding.