Hush

"Hush", they said. "You'll only make it worse", they said. Keep it to yourself, don't talk about it.

Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and I've obeyed, I have not done anything, nor have I said anything. I wonder if I've made this situation worse.

The rage, oh the rage is eating me alive, I don't think I can hold it anymore...I don't think I want to.

I'm a time bomb, about to explode at any moment. I want to beat the shit out of something..or someone.

I'm angry. There, I've said it. I'm angry at myself for letting them hush me, for believing they knew better, for letting them take decisions for me, for becoming a shell of myself, for being afraid. Afraid of what others think of me, afraid that if I let them see me they'll realize the mess I am, and that they'll turn away, because who would ever want a mess like that? Angry at society and at the world for becoming what it is, a superficial and selfish place.

I should to let the rage go...shouldn't I? But what if my messed up way of standing up to the world is using that rage, honing it, to keep me moving, to give me what I lack: strength.

I'm sick of death, I'm sick of all of us being selfish and shallow. But I haven't done much to fight that feeling either. I care about me, me and only me. I've been told that's how you survive in a world like this, and I started to believe it.

Now I'm starting to doubt it. What if the only way to survive this world is to not become a mirror of itself: a selfish and shallow place. What if the only way to survive is by being yourself? What if I don't want to survive? What if I want to live?

How do you live in a world like this? Be happy, help others, love myself and spread love...I've come to realize that's how you do it. That's how you live.