This Feeling is Not Love

Chapter 1

The clock tick tocked tick tocked tick tocked over the table three rows over, beating in time with the pounding in his skull. He glanced at it briefly as the small hand ticked off another hour spent sitting in the library, working on the homework just assigned and due in one short week.

The clock read half past five. Only two hours, he bitterly thought. Two hours to read two chapters and answer three questions, though in fairness one of those questions did have four parts to it. He sincerely hoped the rest of his college homework wouldn't take this long, but seriously doubted it. He had ADHD and dyslexia, but he was determined to become a social worker just like his grandmother who didn't have to take him in after his brother was sent to jail, didn't have to care for him, and love him, and help him however he needed despite her age. He was determined to make her proud. If that meant spending all of his time in the library doing homework, then so be it.

The library was mostly empty this early in the school year, except one annoying couple sitting under the clock, giggling and pawing at each other, lips seemingly attached by Gorilla glue.

Soulmates. Oh, how he hated soulmates. He wasn't against the entire notion, per say, wasn't part of the bitter soulmate-less club. He had one, though it wasn't something he liked to think about. No, it was entirely the notion of too much PDA and loud declarations of love that most soulmate pairs (and the occasional threesomes) felt necessary to engage in every single moment of their life together. It was annoying. And unnecessary. But mostly annoying, and Andy didn't need to hold somebody's hand, or make out in public spaces to tell someone he loved them.

His brother always said love was keeping someone's secret, especially if that secret could land them in jail. Andy kept his brother's and Ashley's secrets. That was enough for him.

He glanced across the table tucked into the corner of UCLA's main library to where Ashley was sitting, sees him snap the same textbook closed.

"Finished," Andy asked, tightening his grip on his pen.

"Yeah," Ashley said, stuffing his textbook and notebook into his backpack. Ashley started the same two chapters, and the same six questions as Andy half an hour ago, and was already finished. Andy knew the only reason Ashley even bothered to start the homework a week before it was due, rather than the night before, was to keep Andy company.

Though Ashley was his one and only friend, had been since he was three-years old, Andy kind of hated him right now.

"It's almost dinner," Ashley said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. "Are you coming, or staying here to work?"

Andy forced his eyes away from the paragraph he'd read three times now and still didn't understand to glare at Ashley's earnest face. "Staying," he grunted in response, and returned to his book. "I got to get this done now."

"I could help?" Ashley said, and Andy resisted the urge to kick him under the table. It's a question he'd heard from Ashley thousands of times during high school.

I don't need your help, the childish part of his brain snapped. "No, it's fine. I got this."

"If you're sure," Ashley said, hesitating at the table.

"I'll see you back at our dorm room," Andy dismissed him.

"Andy," Ashley said, and he could see his best-friend gearing up for another lecture. College is about having fun, too, he could hear Ashley say. You can't spend the entire time studying.

Ashley doesn't understand what it's like to be him, to have ADHD and dyslexia. Everything just comes so easy to Ashley, school, homework, making friends, everything. He doesn't understand how difficult it is for Andy just to read, let alone answer questions on what he's just read, or God forbid write an easy. Ashley's one of those gifted people who's never had to study a day in his life and still managed to graduate in the top ten of their class.