Tears (Bts J-hope X Reader Fan fiction)

Chapter 8

After 3 weeks, I wasn't able to communicate with Chantice and Hobi. Sometimes, when I call them, it's either their phones are off or they just wouldn't pick it up.

Its boring. Its quiet. A thing that everyone is away from. Being in a completely quiet, white room is a pain. No one to talk to, not even the nurses nor the doctors. I just wish that Hobi and Chantice could visit but no, they have to be extremely far from me.

Sometimes, I ask myself if they even care about me or are they just faking it. It makes me think that they don't. Is it because they think that I can easily fall for traps like a blind mouse? Is it because that they only want someone to waste their time in and just forget about whatever happens right after the day ends? Or am I just being used for multiple reasons? I know that I shouldn't think about this but it just suddenly pop out in my head. I don't like being used.....

There, I lay down, looking up the ceiling with nothing else to do except to breathe. Nothing else. I feel sluggish and I hate it. I want to sleep but my eyes stays open. I want to eat but my stomach says no. I want to go out but the doctor says I'm not allowed to. I want Hobi and Chantice to visit...

..but they can't...

There are so many reasons why things even people refuse to do something for them and for other people. Some do it for their own happiness and some do it for other's safety. All choices depends on every people. And choices is between Life and Death. Whether you choose to live or die.

People die because of problems. Whether it is family problem, work problems, or school problems. But, mostly, people die because of bullies in school. In their young age, they think that death would be the solution for everything, for every problem they have. They couldn't tell their parents because their too scared that it might get worse. They are afraid to fight back because maybe they might get hurt. They couldn't see the better side and the solutions for that problem so they just commit suicide.

Some just die because of coincidences. And some just die without reasons nor questions. They didn't want to die but they did anyways. For no reason, they just died even though they did everything to stay alive and happy. They were happy, kind, successful, and have a happy family. They did everything for their families and made them happy. But, if God says 'they must die', they will die. Even if you don't want it, even if there is no reason for you to die, God decides who will live or die.

And some people, they are giving everything they can for their loved ones and I'm just here, laying down with nothing on my mind and nothing to do. I just want to question myself if I truly deserve to live when I'm just here, wasting everyone's time and my time over nothing but expectation that I know that won't happen.

I just think that I'm just a waste of time to everyone. I feel like I'm not even worth the time to be with people. I feel like everything is just going around in a small circle. Everything that happened yesterday, happens again today. It wouldn't stop repeating itself unless I do something rather than just lay down here and look at the ceiling the whole day. It is my choice whether if I should do something else or just continue to be like this and let the cycle continue on.

I want to do something else. I want explore the whole town and have fun. I want to be able to hangout with Hobi and Chantice once again. I want to see their smiles. I want something that will give me happiness. I want to do something new. I want to write a book or maybe a series. I want to draw a masterpiece. I want listen to music and sing along.

I mostly say those to myself but I don't do it. I always expect myself to do those stuff but there is something stopping me...

...the feeling of me dying the next 3 months...

I want to shake out the feeling but it just remains there as if it is glued to my brain and my senses. I want to know whether I would die that day or not. I wanted to tell Hobi and Chantice about this but I just can't.

Barriers. Barriers are the things that separates you from the things you love or the things you want to do. It feels like something is stopping you even though you know that there is nothing.

You know that there are things that prevents you from doing this and that and things that prevent you from doing something to your loved ones. But, there are solutions for everything. Its just that people didn't looked through enough for them to see it. They give up easily, they think that the effort they made is just enough even though they know that could do better than that, they say that it should be enough but they exactly know that it isn't.

They get satisfied at smallest things they have done, they get happy just by looking at a worm living and crawling to nowhere, they are happy reading something nonsense, they get happy and satisfied just when people smile and feel happy. It's so cool and awesome how people just get happy over the smallest things they see or make, it makes them feel like they have done or see something that makes them think of what they were asking for.

Though, not everyone gets the chance to do the things they like, just like me. There might be so much time that we could kill but there are just way to much barriers that are impossible to break.

But, all I want to do, right now, if I were to be honest...

I want to see Hobi and Chantice's smile and hear their laughter as if there is nothing bothering us...

..but I know I can't..

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Hiiiiiii!! Welp, this has gone off hand. It's nonsense, I know. But hey, I tried my best tho. Thank you for reading and please give that like button a good click and please tell me what you think about this chapter of maybe some suggestions (??) Anyways, THANK YOU INCE AGAIN AND I LABYU ALL! MWAH! Bye bye!!