Maybe, at the back of my head, I already saw it coming and maybe I'd still make the same choice over and over if I'd face that kind of crossroad once more - if it means that I'd end up where I am now, then why not?
But it kills me though, it always does; it kills me to know how much I've made her hurt for so long, it kills me to know how much I see the truth in her eyes but I have disregarded it for a time.. I just really thought it was too late. I thought that what I had felt for her was a flame that was already long put out.
Yet that night she sang Ed Sheeran's song, drunk and looking sullen at the passenger seat of my car and how she owned every word that was part of the song's lyrics - my innards tossed and flipped, all the butterflies in my belly that I kept at bay flew away freely and that was the very moment that I was able to mentally say..
"Shit, I'm screwed."
As she laid asleep that same night, too drunk to even acknowledge my presence, I looked at her longingly - every inch of me ached to hold her, every inch of me screamed to make her mine. Because I knew, for the longest time, about what she felt for me but I just got too scared to admit it to myself that I loved her too. I still do.
And that is what's hurting me now.
"Baby.. Are you okay?" I looked to my left as I got snapped back into reality but I only managed to stare at the guy beside me blankly. It was Kim's wedding today and all of us were invited; currently we're enjoying the gathering at her wedding reception. I tried everything just to avert my gaze from the dance floor but it was no use.
She's there and she's happy - dancing with someone else, holding someone else.. Loving someone else. And, for the first time in years, I saw that genuine smile of hers plastered across her face. It was like the 'Ria' that I knew years ago suddenly got revived.
And all the 'what if' questions are now running inside my head; what if I didn't overthink a while back? What if I told her I felt the same way when I had that chance? What if I didn't get so scared at the thought of loving her?
Would it have been me in her arms? Would it have been me who'd paint that smile across her face and be the reason behind her laugh? Would things have been totally different from the current dilemma that I am in?
"Jessey?" That deep voice penetrated into my train of thought and I snapped my head, turning sharply in his direction.
"I'm fine, Hans." I replied, gritting my teeth in annoyance.
"That's it. I'm leaving." I watched him get up and collect his coat. His eyes were blazing with fury.. And jealousy. Mika and the rest of our friends who were also seated at the table looked up at him then at me.
"Bf.. Okay ka lang?" Mika asked; concern was written all over her face and she managed to grab a hold of my hand and she gently rubbed her thumb on the back of my fingers. "Hindi ko na talaga kaya." I looked down, feeling ashamed.
Bakit ngayon pa na mukhang masaya na si Ria? I silently berated and cursed myself.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" Mika asked and I was quick to shake my head.
"Let's just finish the party, please?" I looked up at her with pleading eyes. I wanted to savor the moment that I get to see Ria from a distance.. Even if it hurts.
"Sabihin mo na kasi.. Wala namang mawawala. It's long overdue, in fact." Vic suddenly spoke. I looked at her in shock. "Alam mo, minsan ang sarap niyong pag-untugin ni Ria. It's so obvious but you both are oblivious to it. Nakakatawa na nakakaiyak." Vic shook her head while smiling disappointedly.
