Pretty When You Cry

The Bad Times

But in the last months he felt distant every time we met, he seemed far away from me. I noticed that he was drinking more alcohol than he had ever did before. He even started smoking even though he told me that he would never do such a thing, he wanted to stay healthy. But the worst thing were, he took other drugs too. He had smoked marijuana several times and he did a line of cocaine once. At least that's what he told me.

Usually, we could tell each other everything but in the last couple of months I got the warped feeling that he was lying to me about what was happening in his life. I even started questioning everything he had told me before, I wondered if that was the truth or if he had lied to me. I wasn't sure about this and it tore me apart dilatory.

Something seemed off about him but I couldn't pinpoint an exact incident.

When I asked him about his situation he would usually block me and talk about something different and completely unrelated to the actual topic so I stopped asking him at all. He wouldn't tell me anything, I concluded. It hurt me but I tried not to show it. I didn't wanted to put more pain and blame on his shoulders. His situation was already hard enough.

So I stayed quiet and tolerated his actions. I believed him when he said that he needed me and I promised to him that I would wait (forever). I tried to help him the best I could.

Even when my best friend told me that he cheated on me, I tolerated his actions and tried to understood why he did that. Technically it wasn't even cheating, we weren't officially together, so it was easier to handle for me. But it still hurt. I felt betrayed after all. I mean the thing we had was real, or not? Did he deluded and played with me all the damn time? I was unable to tell the truth apart from the lie.

So my friend told me to end the relationship as soon as possible but I refused that advice and continued the way I did before. We had a hard time, our friendship almost shattered into pieces. She couldn't understand why I still couldn't let him go and I was unable to explain it properly to her. In the end we got on again with each other, she had to accept the fact that he was the only one for me.

I wasn't even sure myself why he was so important to me. I knew that he treated me badly from time to time and I knew that I should have left him ages ago but I couldn't. I was addicted to him, like a drug addict needed his heroine or God knows what.

Why him?

I couldn't help him or even make him feel the slightest bit better. My condition became worse and worse, my grades in school dropped and my parents worried about me, my friends did too. They tried to cheer me up but nothing worked. I felt like heartbreak, the worst one I've ever had. Nothing helped, the things I enjoyed before didn't brought me joy anymore.

He was the only one who could help me but he didn't care enough. He came to see me decreasingly. How could I pour my soul, heart and everything I had into this relationship and get nothing back in return? Why didn't he cared enough about me? Did he met another girl? Was he seeing somebody else regularly instead of me?

It broke me. I choked on the pieces I shattered into.

I begged him to come back to me, to help me. I told him that I was unable to live without him, that I needed him to survive. I couldn't even breath. He would never answer my messages and in hindsight I was able to understand why. They were really cringeworthy.

Only my best friend could get him to talk to me. I still don't know how he she did that. When he stood in my room, with that sad look on his face that suited him so well, I felt sorry that I wrote him all that messages, telling him how I really felt. I didn't wanted to make him feel even worse, when all I tried to make him feel better.