Confined

Division Before Addition

I remember minding my own business one day, I was young. Too young to remember what specific age, I shouldn't even remember this but I do. It was an average day, I was on the couch in the living room. The TV was on because I was usually the first person to wake up in any house. My attention span wasn't that great so I decided to bring my toys in the living room to play with while the TV was still on.

Within minutes into playing I heard this voice. There was no way of identifying it as a regular voice, it was very distinct. It was deep, yet calm. Loud yet quiet. It made an echo sorta' sound without there actually being an echo. It was very confusing to make out, and very confusing to hear. 

I responded to it and before I knew, the voice and I were having a conversation. The voice told me things, the voice played with me. I found myself impersonating that voice while I was playing and it must have worried my Mother because not long after she came in asking me "Who was I talking to?" ,but once she reached the living room and saw me alone she must have assumed the voice was me, a cute little way for me to play with toys by myself just like all kids do. Making car noises as the Hot Wheels was in my hand, creating gun sound effects with my mouth while there was toy soldier driving, and a second voice to fit the soldier. Only that second voice wasn't for the soldier.

Ever since then, I started talking and having fun with the voice. It was as if the voice was my imaginary friend, but this friend wanted to stay. The older I got the more the voice would tell me to do things, it got me worried. 

I had always wanted to be an actor from watching stations such as Disney Channel and Nickelodeon and had this weird fantasy that I was in fact in a TV show. The mirrors, picture frames, and television screens were secret cameras in my eyes, and my Mother knew my passion for acting. She used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and at first I would give the predictable child like answer:

"I want to be rich" ,or

"I want to be the first black rock and roll superstar" ,that one was already taken unfortunately. But it even came down to the answer:

"I want to become a famous actor" ,It didn't dawn on me that I was serious until I used that answer a second time. It stuck with me.

My fantasy helped me become an actor believe it or not, helped me get good. Nothing is a better preparation for a child actor then their imagination. That was my cover, my excuse, I mean all the attention I gave to the voice raised some eyebrows but it was all in my "Imagination". (so they thought) My mother believed that I was acting and playing when she heard me in my room, it was nothing she got too worried over.

As for me, I was scared. Scared that this burden of mine would get worse, like I said I was young, fear came easy.

One night, My mom, my brother and I were getting ready to eat dinner and my family has this habit of wanting to watch something while eating. So I decide to watch 'Batman: Forever' (I was too young to realize how awful that movie was) and I remember hearing the name of a character that was a hint of a word. I was into superheros and their creative universes, so I decided to do some research on the character. His name was Edward Nigma, mostly known as The Riddler. The Riddler has this fascination with riddles and every time he would commit a crime he would leave a hint, a riddle for Batman to solve. You would think he'd learn his lesson considering Batman is the World's Greatest Detective.

My point is that when The Riddler first appeared he would leave these riddles with a brand, a label, an alias. So of course before he officially became The Riddler he was hidden as "Enigma". That was his calling card. He used the initial of his first name and combined it with his full last name to create this second identity. Enigma is an actual word and once I discovered the meaning I realized that it matched his personality. Even worse, I realized that it matched mine.

An Enigma is a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.

A fascination of my own sprung and Enigma became my new favorite word. It was not before long that the voice came calling again, and from my new discovery I made an executive decision to give this voice a name. Enigma was then my calling card for my schizophrenia. It was my brand. My label. My second alias. My second Identity..

I grew older and had the revelation that my schizophrenia had given me another disorder. A multiple personality disorder.

Fortunately I was stable enough to know that I was in control, that I was in the driver's seat. Not Enigma. Fortunately Enigma was the only other personality in my head. Fortunately Enigma had been good to me and done me right in the sort of sense where I was protected from insanity. It was like Enigma knew that getting help would only make things worse so he didn't appear through any extreme measures, meaning he stayed in my head and never took me over. I've didn't have a situation where I've done something and I wasn't in control.

I had so many questions to things, always curious. The main questions were towards Enigma. Enigma didn't like being questioned. The more questions I asked, the angrier he gotten. The older I'd get, the more it became clear that I was the one who gotten angry. I had anger issues. 

Whenever I would get into trouble, things would escalate because of me. Gotten more spankings and time-outs then I should've, mostly my fault but I partially blamed my Mother. Growing with a religious single mother, was hard on me and my brother too. We noticed how strict she was. Part of us knew it was because that's how she was raised and how she was expected from the rest of our family to raise us. Although part of us suspected she had anger issues of her own. Maybe this anger wasn't all from Enigma. 

On the other hand anger can be resolved with peace, keeping the mind and soul calm. But schizophrenia is incurable, so why would there be any need for medicine? That's how I always seen it. I've seen too many films, documentaries, and personal articles of what the medication does to a man. It was a priority to make sure that it didn't happen to me. Last thing I needed is a doctor diagnosing me clinically insane and sending me to a mental hospital where the pills just fries my brain even more.

I was afraid.

Afraid of what I'd become. I had so much plans for my future and intended on fulfilling those dreams before death. Death was the one thing I feared more than this.

Going to school gave me such hope for the future. I had so many friends. I wasn't the most popular kid but I remember quite a few students, teachers, and administrators known and loved me. I never really knew an exact number but I knew it was more people then the fingers on my hands, It took some time to figure how to count my fingers after 10.

It wasn't until Junior high that I truly became different. Middle school changed my life, for better or for worse. The day I went to middle school was the day that Enigma and I officially became split. We parted ways in opinions, but he was always still around in presence. Middle school divided us..

Little did I know it would be years before I could feel whole again. Before the missing piece of the puzzle, the missing piece of my personality, the missing piece of who I am would be added..

Before the love of my life would appear..