Hey,
By now you probably know the truth. I can't blame you for finding it either because I knew It wasn't ever really hidden. In fact, it was all over my face day in and day out. So, what will the world do about it? Nothing. The world didn't meet me halfway, so I took the long way around and wrote this all for you.
We met in freshman year when I needed someone the most, you were sitting in your chair staring at the whiteboard and listening to the words that fell out of our teachers mouth. I didn't think much of you either. Once the instructions were clear she sat behind all the desks and did what teachers do. You looked over at me and introduced yourself, I didn't know that it would amount to anything. It did. I looked at your mouth move, the roll of your tongue and the intrigue in your eyes and I felt settled. I spoke to you about movies and games and it felt like a while since my mind had actually remembered these simple things. Joy. We became friends.
Lets fast forward to 5 months later And I sat alone because you were making so many new friends. I felt pale like a piece of paper with potential in the hands of the most illiterate kid. I was ignored. I had all these plans and big words to roll with but nobody to tell em to. So I sat there and waited for them to forgot how to be nice. They didn't.
Sophomore year.
I am still alone and unedited. Girls and Boys said, "Hi, my name is blah blah, or hello class I'm your teacher, Mr. who Dunnit." Point was I stopped engaging entirely. I no longer cared about you or them or anybody left to care about. I was in Nirvana, and I wasn't taking drugs. It was this self made place I found where I could bend matter and create life as I willed it. With pen and paper. Yes, I had lost myself to the thrills and the perils of my own mind and I was free. I was free to tell you to shut up or for the teacher to walk out of class because this was in within me. It was written. The people began to talk about the boy with the notebook and the blank face.
"Whats wrong with him? I hear he killed someone, or that something had happened to his family."
"He's kinda tough looking, you know he could be one of the guys its just a shame hes broken. Man, what a waste."
"Hey stay after class will you? I'd like to ask you a couple of questions just to see how you are feeling. So tell me, Is everything okay at home are you happy?"
Yes. To all of them, I could be your killer, my parents could be sad sad folks, let me be your next big time jock. I could make varsity. Yes sir, I'm very happy. Can't you tell I wake up everyday for all of this?."
Rumors went around and nobody knew what I was, I became a story with multiple parallels. Your multiple ending, page turning, nail biting story.
But in truth I was just me. Nothing special to you or them or even myself.
I would see you around campus, rocking band shirts and flashing a great smile. All of your friends followed you around because your zodiac was a Leo and that was your gift from the stars.
I went on interrupted until you popped in one day to say hello. That you felt alone, that things didn't feel right for you anymore. That you felt sad and you felt like you weren't heard.
I smiled a little that day, because you understood.
After school we were impossible cool, listening to old music that our peers never knew even existed. Watching horror flicks at three a.m and laughing at the stereotype kills.
We were on the edge of a mountain top shouting passed our lungs. Smoking cigarettes because our parents didn't want us to. We lived on the sunset. But it was only for a little while because I fell in love with a girl who looked at me and stared.
Pretty eyes and I big sad heart. I was a sucker and I didn't even see the train wreck happening. I was too busy locking lips in her room when you needed me the most.
Then she went and found somebody who hit home. And she stayed, and she was happy.
High school is gone and passed and I'm states away looking back at it all through a keyboard thinking how I'm just like my mom. Typing, reading, crying, loving.
I'll see you again someday dear friend, because arguments happen and you wait for them to settle while I'm packing my bags heading onto the plane leaving the state telling myself its all for the best.
Now I hear, "Fuck it I'm gone."
My heart pounds because its the end of another chapter.
