Uncensored

Part 2

"Do not fall in love with people like me.

I will take you to museums, and parks,

and monuments, and kiss you

in every beautiful place,

so that you can never go back to them

without tasting me

like blood in your mouth.

I will destroy you

in the most beautiful way possible.

And when you leave

you will finally understand,

why storms are named after people."

(Unknown)

I was less naïve the next time. I was more careful. As a matter of fact, I had a hard time trusting anybody. More than anything, the pain had started. And I didn't know what to do with it.
Some people smell pain like sharks smell blood.
I needed a friend, and the internet is full of sharks.

When I met her, she was everything I needed: her words were warm and comforting, they soothed my soul, and they eased the pain. She stayed around to build me back up. She stayed until the pain went away, slowly, stayed to turn words of comfort into words of love.

Everything happened so slowly and subtly that I didn't even realize where I was until I was in the middle of it. Suddenly she was attracted to me and I had to ask myself how I felt about that.

We never had a chance, because I wasn't ready for her.

I wasn't ready for love. After all, I was a disaster in love. And now I, who had never even considered being attracted to a woman, was not only supposed to try the whole love-thing again, but with a woman?
If anything, I was honest. I told her that I was scared, that I wasn't ready, and that I simply didn't know. And it was okay. And this simple fact changed everything. We did something right when we took it slow and we let it roll, let it go where it wanted to go.

She was right to wait, because I did fall in love. I loved her then. But I never stopped struggling with the concept of being in love with a woman.
Today, I'm proud of that, and I wouldn't deny it I front of anybody, but back then I was not as strong. Everything about this was not only new, but scary.  I loved her for who she was, loved her being, loved her soul- but I wasn't ready to shout that into the world. I hoped that I would be ready one day.

We held hands when we walked, we kissed, we cuddled, we missed each other, we shared every thought, she carried my pain, and I tried to carry hers. Never had I been more vulnerable and safe at the same time.
Still, I wasn't ready and I really stretched her patience. The more she needed me, the more I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was not what happened between us, it was what did not happen. When for the longest time we had been on the same page, thinking the same thoughts -no we were one unified thought- somewhere along the way somebody missed a step and then we were separated. Two lovers in the dark, trying to find each other, yet continuously passing each other without touching.

I didn't think she was listening to what I needed from her, whether or not that's true is irrelevant. But the more I felt that way, the more I got scared. The louder I tried to speak the less she heard me. I started to run in the opposite direction.

I wish I would have known better. I think everything could have been different if only I hadn't been so scared and if only I hadn't run.

She changed me, who I was, and how I loved. Before her I was quiet and grateful for any attention I could get. But she made me feel worthy, she made me feel attractive, she really listened to me, she was there for me in a way nobody had ever been and would never be again. She was everything I needed, but she wasn't everything I wanted- I wanted less drama, I wanted more freedom. And I realized all the games we were playing were exhausting to me. But the most important thing she did for me was to enable me to leave. She made me strong enough and independent enough to leave her. She taught me how to love myself, and when I asked her not to come see me, to give me some space and time, when I told her I did not want to see her and she came anyways, I loved myself more than I loved her, and I had to let her go.
I didn't know what else to do, so that I wouldn't suffocate under her love.

We never had a chance, because we weren't ready.