Uncensored

Part 14

The first pregnancy test I took was negative. And so when my husband insisted, childishly, that I was pregnant anyways, I didn't believe him. Not because I didn't want to believe him, but because I didn't dare to hope. I had cramps -I told him- surely I would get my period any day now. While he was grinning self-assuredly at me, the waiting and wondering and the doubt drove me crazy. So I went to the drug store and I bought another pregnancy test. This time I decided to go with the brand name, more expensive, the kind that tells you if your pregnant using actual words (not just lines). And while the little digital clock on it was ticking, indicating that the test was working, I folded some laundry, now and then glancing at the test and the still ticking clock.
And suddenly I looked over and the display had changed into one word: Yes.

Despite all the questions that came later – the questions and the anxiety- and all that was still to come – the fears and doubts- my first reaction was a sharp intake of breath and a huge smile. My hand covered my mouth in awe.
I had had some ideas about how I wanted to tell my husband I was pregnant, ideas that had entered my mind years ago when we first started entertaining having a child. But in that moment, I knew I wouldn't be able to look straight at him and not tell him, I wouldn't be able to hide that smile.

I hadn't expected to be pregnant, but from the very first moment I knew I was elated about it. Everything inside of me knew it was right. Everything about it felt right. Even my cramps – implantation cramps as I learned- where now something meaningful.

Of course one of the major questions expectant couples face is when to tell the other people in their lives the happy news. While my husband was not eager at all to tell his mother, as she was disapproving, I knew I needed to tell my mother soon. I knew that I needed her to know, I needed her support, and I needed to share my joy. But there was another person I needed to tell before.

She had said to me that she wanted to know "quickly and painlessly" (an oxymoron, really, as nothing about it would be painless), but she had also told me that I was supposed to be sure. So one day I went to the doctor. Then I was sure.

They say having children changes everything. Well, they are right.
The first thing it changed was me, but it also changed her, so of course it changed us. The pregnancy was not the reason why I broke it off again, but it contributed to all the changes that caused me to do so. I broke my promises when I did so, and there was nothing to excuse that, so I did not really try. I knew that I had to do what I had to do, knew I could not continue the way things had become, but I knew I'd break her heart yet again and that it was my fault.