Uncensored

Part 9

I had never thought about cheating before. I had never thought it could ever be "necessary"- necessary for me to be satisfied or to meet some "unmet" need.

In fact, I had always been outspoken against cheating. Cheating is an emotional betrayal much more so than it is physical. Cheating is only cheating if the cheater and the cheated are emotionally, intimately involved. Only then is pain the result, the hurt, the destruction that follows; only if they were emotionally involved, what most would call in love. And so it becomes an emotional issue.

I think the physical part of cheating is the one that can be disregarded or forgiven the easiest. The favorite excuse of a cheater is his or her physical needs. And I happen to agree with that. I think that sex-less relationships are doomed, except for (rare) cases in which both parties define themselves and non-sexual people who simply do not care about sex. But as soon as one person does, especially if one person cares much more than the other, there is an imbalance. No, it's not an excuse. But I think it's a vulnerability.

I also think that the people that have been cheated on just love to view themselves as (pure) victims. This sounds probably cruel, especially to individuals who have been cheated on, and especially because I myself have not been cheated on (so who am I to say?). But I think that a relationship is always a two-way street and cheating is not one isolated action or problem that only originates from the "bad" cheater. Instead, I think that cheating is not the problem but a symptom for something else- it could be a host of other problems. Again, I'm not saying it's an excuse.

So while I would always call out a cheater and I don't think cheating is okay, I also don't condone it by principle. I condone it in most scenarios and situations, but not in all of them. Or maybe more importantly, I just don't think it's practical to get hang up on the cheating act itself but how to deal with it. I have girlfriends who will say without a doubt if they're significant other cheated on them, they would end it, period. I, on the other hand, have always said that I would want to know the reason (because cheating is the symptom not the cause, remember) and then go on from there.

I have always been like that- I've always wanted to know the reasons for why people behave the way they do. That's why I studied Psychology, that's why I'm becoming a therapist. And that's why I would also want to know why someone cheated on me. I have never been a Black or White person. My husband, on the other hand, is such a person, and it drives me absolutely crazy. For example, I could argue with him for hours about the death penalty, if he let me. To him, it's easy, it's black or white. But in reality, the world is grey, there are a million shades of grey in this world, nothing is ever easy, every just black or white.

So neither is cheating.

My problem lies with the people who cite the vows they took, the vows that the cheater broke, and then they turn around to leave the cheaters, because they broke the vow, thereby breaking them themselves. Maybe that is hypocritical of me, but isn't that the bad times the vows are referring to? Your spouse cheated on you, which is bad, and you walk away? I'm not suggesting forgiveness, I'm suggesting inquiry. I'm always suggesting to try first. If ending a relationship is the best decision, I'm totally for that, but it's not black or white, and there is a reason why someone cheats.

I'm not blaming the victim. But I do think that two people create a relationship and contribute to whatever circumstances produce cheaters. So, one time cheating, I would ask why and I think I could forgive that. Now, two times or more, or an entire affair is a whole different story. I wasn't talking about that.

Anyways, I never thought I would consider cheating. What my marriage provided me with was very good, and even at its worst good enough. Good enough to not ever think I needed or wanted more.

Most likely that's a result of the lack of diversity in my past relationships, and the lack of diverse sexual experiences. So maybe I didn't even know what was out there. If the grass was greener on the other side, I didn't know; I hadn't seen the other side.

But then I did. And it shook me to the core. Not just the fact that I considered it, but that I knew I could get away with it. That was what made the though tangible and what made it so scary.

It brought me to tears asking myself now what my husband's role in that was. If I stuck to my own logic, then there was a problem that my cheating, or my potential cheating/ the thought of cheating, was a symptom for? I frantically asked myself: what is the problem? Is it our sex life? Is there an emotional need that isn't met? Am I just bored? And I cringed at the thought that I could be such a horrible person.

The truth is that no relationship, no marriage is perfect. So, no, cheating is no solution. I knew if I cheated, it would be egoistic and reckless. None of which I'd ever wanted to call myself.

My husband always says that he doesn't ask questions he doesn't want to hear the answer to. I let him know that I have a double-standard, because I don't share that same don't-ask-don't-tell attitude, and I would ask questions. But he is implying and what I know is that I could get away with it. Because he wouldn't want to know. And that's the other thing: confessing cheating, if it was a one-time isolated event, is also egoistic. The cheater wants forgiveness, want to absolve his/her sins, and wants to make himself/herself feel better by relieving the guilt. Again, plenty of people would say they would absolutely want to know if they had been cheated on. I'm with my husband on that. Provided we're talking about a one-time isolated event, it's more hurtful to know the truth. I would ask the questions, if I had a reason to, but I'd prefer not to have a reason in the first place.

Another controversy revolves around what acts constitute cheating- is it intercourse or does it start with kissing? For some possessive people, flirting may feel like cheating to them.

Again, I think it's about the emotion. Sure, intent alone cannot be condemned- without an action, there is no crime. We cannot persecute criminals for their sole intent of committing a crime. But if my husband kissed another woman, that would hurt me, and because of these emotions I would say yes, it's cheating. Cheating starts much earlier in my book than it does in other peoples' books. It's kind of counter-intuitive because I'm fairly open to forgiving an isolated cheating event, but I have a very low threshold as to where cheating begins. I'm sure it makes more sense if I explain it like this: say, my husband hires a prostitute and takes her to a hotel room, where he intends to have sex with her, when I walk in- nothing has occurred yet? His intent to have sex with the hooker, verifiable in his action of paying or promising payment to her, is enough for me- he was cheating.

Which brings me back to the dilemma I suddenly found myself in: I wanted to kiss her. It was all I could think about- the feeling of her lips, the taste of her, which I couldn't quite remember but yet longed for, and just maybe the adrenalin and excitement coming solely from the fact of doing something forbidden. That last thought, again, made me that horrible person that I didn't want to be. I didn't want the grass on the other side, because I didn't know if it was greener. Ironically, I found myself wanting 'old' grass, grass I had already tasted, already walked on, and already left behind. Why did I want to go back?

For the moment, at least at first, my saving grace was the simple fact that I was far away from the object of my desire. I was grateful for that. But most concerning were the emotional implications of my considerations- just thinking about it was a bad idea. If I ever acted on my thoughts, here was no scenario this could end well. Was there? And I kept coming back to asking myself why I wanted her in the first place. If I could preoccupy myself with that thought, if I could remind myself of the destruction I would cause, if I kept and kept considering, then I wouldn't have to think about that kiss anymore, that kiss that was haunting my dreams.