Uncensored

Part 10

"When people say "recovery", you typically think of returning to how you were before. But there is no going back. You don't merely recover, but reinvent yourself. You become something completely different from what you were before."

I don't think I will ever completely recover. I think that we can recover from many physical and psychological problems, eating disorders included. But I think there are many different definitions of recovery and what people consider being fully recovered. I think that there are plenty of people that live happy and healthy lives, but that doesn't mean they're fully recovered.

Just as much as alcoholics cannot drink alcohol and drug addicts cannot take drugs casually and recreationally (they will always stay addicts), people suffering from eating disorders will always have feelings towards food, and a small voice in their head that wants to speak up. The longer someone suffers from an eating disorder, the harder it becomes to treat, and the more engrained the disordered thinking becomes into their brains (and their identity). The only difference is the degree to which they let these feelings and thoughts influence their behavior, the degree to which they listen to them, and how much they are able to move past them.

Most likely, I won't ever consider myself fully recovered,

but I am recovering.

Recovery is a process. There is an incredible amount of grieving involved in getting to know the person behind the food and what her needs truly are. There is a lot of self-exploration, a lot of trial and error, and especially a lot of trust necessary to grow.

After years and years of compulsive dieting, I couldn't remember the last meal I had eaten without feeling guilty. And when I learned to do that again, it was a very slow process. Judgmental thoughts happen automatically, and for chronic dieters, numbers or stats, such as calorie, fat, or carb content, come to mind so easily and habitually that it feels impossible to turn them off. So you have to first learn to ignore them, then to un-hear  them, and at some point you can maybe unlearn them. Maybe.

Healing does not mean that the damage never existed, only that it doesn't control your life anymore. It took me a long time to not just know that I had a choice how to behave in every moment, but to learn to pay attention to each moment, a series of moments, and thus a series of decisions in a way that would allow me to seize the opportunity to choose before my disorder could  choose for me.

I found recovery in mindfulness. Most commonly and broadly, mindfulness is defined as attention to and acceptance of our thoughts and feelings without judgment, and the tuning into the present moment with all senses. It was very difficult for me in the beginning and it took a lot, and I mean a lot, of practice. I read a lot about mindfulness, mindful eating, mindful emotional eating, and I started meeting with a therapist again. Intuitive eating and mindful eating are very similar and based on the same philosophy, and I started doing some of the actual work. With paper and pen. I played with food. I had to relearn to listen to my body. I had to relearn to eat. And I still am.

Progress is slow. In today's world, we are constantly flooded with inputs, digital distractions, and we multitask our way through the entire day- breakfast standing or driving, lunch in front of an office computer, always a cell phone in hand, eating in front of the TV, eating while reading- always doing multiple things. When was the last time we have had a meal, and just that meal, without any distractions?

I also learned that I had to find my own way. Mindfulness is not about rigidity, but what matters to the individual. There is nothing I love more than a weekend breakfast that takes an hour, and that I truly enjoy while reading a magazine. So that's ok. I can still be mindful of what is happening, I can still be practicing mindfulness, I can still be present in that moment.

Still, mindfulness is not only a learning process, but it takes a lot of practice and although every moment is a new opportunity to be mindful, no matter what we do (walking, listening to someone, reading, enjoying nature, or eating), in the beginning every moment is a new challenge. I like those new, fresh opportunities. I love the philosophy of non-judgment as it deeply resonates with my heart. I enjoy the opportunity to seize every moment. The process is never over. You cannot ever achieve mindfulness and be done with the work. What you can do is practice it long enough for it to become first easier, and then second nature to be mindful throughout the day.

I have better days, and then I have days where I regress. Sometimes I feel in touch with myself, while other days I can barely recognize the person in the mirror. Sometimes I cannot muster the strength to be in the moment, to endure that moment, and I push it all away. Sometimes the old, familiar voices in my head become louder and start screaming at me, so that I'm not able to ignore them, I'm not able to listen nonjudgmentally, but I let them engulf, and swallow, and become me.

But eventually, I also find my way back to what I believe and who I want to be- and for me mindfulness is the key.

Who would we be if we loved our bodies?
I ask myself that question a lot, because the answer for many people, sadly, is that we would be somehow different.
I, for once, believe that I want to become that person, because it's an authenticity I've been yearning for my whole life. So every time I ask myself "Who would I be if I loved my body?" I try to carry that thought with me through the rest of the day. What would I wear if I loved my body? How would I carry myself if I loved my body? What would I eat now, if I wasn't haunted by self-hate and self-doubt, but if I loved my body for what it was? What would I do today, with my body, if I loved it? And then I do it. Because that is the only way to get there, to just do it, try to do it, try to remember, and ask the question often.

And one day you may wake up and you feel, you think, and you might say:

I love myself.

You say it when no one else is around, you say it to no one else but yourself.

"I love myself.

The quietest, simplest, most powerful revolution ever."