Closing the door behind me as quietly as I could, I mentally prayed that he was fast asleep in bed and just forgot to turn off the downstair's lights. I knew in the back of my mind that this wasn't true. He was up, probably on his fifth drinking sitting there. Waiting. Waiting for me.
I began to tip-toe my way to the stairs in an attempt to avoid any contact or conversation with him. I shouldn't be scared to come home everyday and fear my safety in the hands of my own parent.
I lifted my foot up to step onto the first stair, but heard shuffling from the room beside me. I cringed because I knew he heard me come in. "Catalina?" his voice slurred. Damn, so close.
Retrieving my foot back, I turned on my heels and entered the room where the voice came from. Leaning against the arch of the doorway, I saw him sprawled out on the couch, a full, glass cup of whiskey in hand, and an almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the coffee table in front of him.
"Yes?" I managed to croak out. I sighed shakily. I was nervous about what was going through his mind and what he was going to do.
I gently pushed myself off the wall and walked over to the recliner on the other side of the coffee table, and I sat down hesitantly. I focused my attention on our carpeted floor. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want to see the evil and menace his eyes held. "Do you know what time it is?" his voice growled. I could hear more shuffling against the couch, so I knew he was trying to sit upright.
"I do-don-don't know." I mumbled, not being able to talk properly. The fear swallowing me whole. "You don't know?" his voice laughed darkly, a teasing tone behind his voice. I didn't know if I should answer or not. It was like my mind couldn't work properly at the moment. It was blank and my body stiff. "Answer me!" his voice roared, causing me to jump in my seat. I nodded my head rapidly.
I heard feet padding against the carpet before I saw a pair of work shoes in my sight. I swallowed in fear. Breathe in and out Catalina. In and out. I felt a hand grasp my upper arm, harshly. The same hand pulled me up out of my seat like I was nothing or weighed nothing. "Look at me Cat." he whispered in my ear, devilishly.
My eyes were still set on the carpet. I closed my eyes shut, tightly. I felt tears prick at the back my eyes. I didn't want them to show, it would show him a weakness. "Look at me goddamnit!" he yelled, shaking me violently. My eyes snapped open and I slowly lifted my gaze off the floor up to his face.
I saw him smirk in satisfaction, his grip tightening around my arm. His eyes held nothing but disgust and malice. It made my stomach churn. "I'm going to ask you again Catalina. What time is it?" he spoke, slowly, annunciating every word as if I was a small child.
"I don't know." I whispered, my voice not really audible. "You know what I don't understand Catalina?" he asked, looking at me with hatred. "Why it wasn't you that died the car crash. Instead it was your mother." he spat at me. Each word lingered in my mind and shot at my heart. I felt my breath hitch in my throat.
"Now I'm stuck with a stupid teenage girl who can't do anything right." he began to shake his head. I felt a tear slid down my cheek. That hit me right in my heart. I ripped my arm from his grip. "Go to sleep dad." I seethed through gritted teeth. I began to exit the room, rubbing my arm, wincing at pain. That was definitely going to bruise in the morning.
I heard glass shatter beside me. I snapped my head in the direction and saw a liquid stain on the white walls and glass shattered on the floor. That was only a couple feet away from me. He just threw his glass of whiskey at me. I didn't dare look back at him, but I knew I was going to have to clean that up.
I walked out of the room and silently ran up the steps and into my room. I shut the door and slid down against it. I placed my head in my hands and brought my knees to my chest. I let myself break down, the tears began to flow and I didn't dare stop them. I sobbed through my hands, my breath hitching in my throat every so often. My back heaved as I continued to cry.
Maybe he is right. It was my fault. I caused the accident. All because I wanted to go shopping and to spend some time with her. Every one I let in ends up leaving me. No boy will ever love a messed up freak like me: a motherless girl whose own father doesn't even love her.
