1 girl 2 minds

The past that will always haunt me

I woke up feeling empty and lonely, also known as a typical day for me. I went in the shower and fell to the ground crying, I can't control my tears and there pouring out so quickly, how did my life get so screwed up. I can never seem to understand why I have such a hard life, why me why was I chosen to live in sorrow and pain.

I don't understand why no one hears my screams, or sees my tears, feels my pain, I'm hurting so much on the inside I feel like I'm yelling as loud as I possibly can, yet no one can hear me. All I'm looking for is a hand, a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel I call my life. The saddest part is that my life never used to be like this, I had a happy childhood well... happy enough, my mom and dad tried their hardest to make sure I was happy. My parents were always happy and smilling, they were in love and they loved me.

I always wonder and think about what changed, why did everything go downhill. Was it my fathers death, our family going bankrupt, my mother turning to drugs or maybe it was all of the above. Even when I try and try  to figure it out, I guess ill never know.

I get out of the shower, lie on my bed and look up to the ceiling, I see a quote written on it. This was my moms favorite quote, she used to say it to me every night along with some advice and inspirational words. "In life don't expect anything from anyone because, expectation that can not be fulfilled only leads to pain", I can still remember when she told me this as if it was last night. Reading these words in my head really makes me think, and reflect on what they mean. Should I have not expected a good life, a happy family, a safe home, I realized that the people who I always loved all left me alone. My father left me physically, my mother left me emotionally and my sister left me purposely. 

Her name was Rose, and she was as delicate and beautiful as her name indicated. She not only was a sister to me but she was my best friend, role model, my biggest supporter and my second mom. Rose was always there for me, through my good days and my bad and I had a lot of those days but Rose still stuck around. Rose was our glue she kept us all together, and without her our whole family would have been a mess.

After my fathers death and my mothers mental and emotional breakdown, Rose wasn't able to keep our family together, and when she broke we all fell apart. Rose ran away and I can still remember that night, "where are you going Rose" I asked her "oh baby sister I love you so much but, I just can't live here anymore we live in Hell and I need to escape, I would take you with me but mom needs you take care of her, I love you bye". Rose leaving was so hard on my mother and I, but it wasn't nearly as hard as getting a phone call on a Sunday night saying, "we found your daughters body in crystal lake, it look like suicide were very sorry". When my mother and I got this call I cried for days, and my mothers depression only got worst, I constantly thought about dying myself and I was going to do it. I got home and was preparing myself for a drug overdose, but first I checked the mail and there was a letter from Rose, tears rushed down my face. Her letter talked about how much she loved me and how I shouldn't do what she was going to, it explained why she was going to commit suicide and when I checked the date it was sent it was 2 days before her suicide. After reading her letter I couldn't kill myself, if Rose wanted me to live I would do just that...