Dear Chloe Price | by 3BulletNecklace

1. A life of "what ifs"

Dear Chloe Price,

It's been 4 months and I haven't recovered at all from your loss. I know I never will. I hope you'll read or hear these words somehow... damn I've never really thought about religion before but I hope soul has somekind of consistency and I want to believe you're still near me, still my partner in time, still my pirate mate, still my best friend, still the only person I love as I loved you.
I even started to go to Church with Kate; first I did it just because she asked me to and I really hadn't the strength to say no to anything, I just did what others told me to do. After a couple weeks it made me feel... I wouldn't say better... let's just say it kept me from being even worse.
Therapy in the psychiatric hospital, where I've been the last months of my so called life, instead, didn't change a thing even though it probably kept me from just killing my self and join you. Which is something, I guess. Something that hurts and something I'd rather change but some people often try to save everybody, right? That's kinda a deja vu, isn't it?

The problem is that I can't help but wonder what it could have been. What we could have been. What if I saved you? Maybe I'd still be whole and surely not alone. What if people could escape from the tornado? What if there was a third decision I could make?

What if I chose you? What if I followed my heart instead of my mind? What if you didn't say all of those things, what if you weren't so selfless, what if you weren't so wise and brave? What if you weren't so reckless? Then you wouldn't be you maybe, but you could still be here. With me.

I remember your messy bedroom where you wrote "I'd rather have a life of 'oh wells' than a life of 'what ifs'".
Well, I'm a big fucking what if. Because I am not me without you.

I'm really trying to find a sense in this but I can't. Even my collaboration with the Entropy Agency of Indipendent Resources (Warren also works there. We don't talk much anymore but he tries to help) seems useless, but at least they believe me. I didn't rewind though. Remember when you wanted me to proove my powers? Our first day together again. I can't forget those days... that didn't even happen in this universe.

And that's what kills me inside. The apparent uselessness of every moment we spent together. It consumes me. The Chloe who died by that shot was abandoned and betrayed. And I did nothing.
Well, I did let her die after we talked that last time. More than enough yet nothing good, nothing at all technically.

I'm trapped in a universe where I don't belong to anymore. And my only way out is this new diary where I write every word I can't never tell you.

I won't never forget about you, Chloe.