Me Too

Jean

For the next couple months it hurt, and I was empty, but I still talked to him like nothing happened. The new school year started and I started opening up but still felt so empty. But then I started talking to Jean, first semester of the sophomore year. Jean was... a dick. But I guess that's my type right? He was funny, and acted all confident. I never really got to see the true Jean, until Homecoming, but before homecoming let's just get into how Jean really just lit up my empty room in my chest. My friends Mikasa and some other guy were dating and Jean was friends with that other guy. So Jean sat with us at first lunch along with another not so important guy. It was a very awkward lunch table. I sat next to Jean, and the other seat was empty next to me. Then there was Annie, then Levi, then Mikasa, then Mikasa's boyfriend, the not important guy and Jean then back to me. It was a circular table by the way. Levi and I would have some weird conversations a lot, and Jean would add in, at first I thought he was catching on to what had happened between me and Levi, but then again, he was there at the beach. But when Levi and Mikasa would talk, Jean would take the opportunity to talk to me. He was really funny, and would poke fun at me, which is honestly one of the things I like in guys. Alright that's the background with this guy, and long story short, I like Jean, and I'm convinced Jean likes me. Now here's Homecoming.

Homecoming Football Game, the dance team which I was apart of preformed at the beginning. I didn't bother to change for marching band, and so I was wearing leggings of all things, and a t-shirt. I went to homecoming with my friends, and Jean tagged along and I was dancing in the corner because I was not about to join the grinding circle. I eventually moved to stand next to Jean and leaned forward to talk to my friends and I glanced to Jean who was staring at my ass, and looked up to me. "You have a really nice ass."

"Thank you..?" I chuckled. He smiled softly. He started talking about how I should stop dancing because I was turning him on, which only made me do it more. I wanted to mess with him. He eventually sat down in a chair and Levi dared me to sit in his lap.  So I did. He wrapped and arm around me. A photographer came around and took a picture of us. "Hey man can you delete the picture...?"

"Why? Are you not supposed to be in his lap?"

"No I'm not supposed to be."

"Well I'm only going to post it to my Facebook site-"

"Please can you delete the picture? My mom would kill me and him."

"I'll delete the picture if you dance with him." She said. I sighed and moved to get up and drug Jean onto the dance floor.

"Eren I'm not much of dancer..." his hands were on my sides anyway, I wrapped my arms around his neck. We were quite the distance away from each other- the photographer pushed us closer so I was pressed against him as we swayed in circles. She took a picture before leaving.

"You too are so cute together..." mikasa's boyfriend said. I blushed and looked up to Jean.

"He's right... we are perfect for each other..." he whispered.

"Where does that leave us..."

"You're my boyfriend now." He said and smiled. I smiled, I couldn't be happier.

Thing is... that night I didn't see who he truly was. We exchanged numbers and texted every now and again. He told me to stay after for marching band competitions, but didn't spend time will me till one of our last ones, but I had to drag him to me. He was very... distant. He wouldn't sit close to me, or hold my hand like Levi did. I hate to compare, but it is true. We went for a walk and it was beautiful, it was starry out. We crossed a bridge that was lit up with fairy lights before stopping at a bench and turning back around because he didn't want to get in trouble, so reluctantly I did but when we got half way back I turned to him and asked. "What would you do if I turned around and walked in the other direction?"

"What do you mean?" He asked. I smirked and turned around and walked back toward the bridge. "Eren... eren... I don't wanna get in trouble... please can we go back?"

"Jean you asked me to stay after, so I did so I could spend more time with you."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"Eren... you gotta tell me that... I'm stupid... and now I feel like a jackass." He said.

"Sorry I just figured you'd put two and two together." I said.

"Well we can stay out for a little while..." he said. I nodded and sat on a bench and he sat next to me, really close this time.

"That's a difference..."

"Eren." He looked to me. "I have a problem with PDA..."

"And hugging is PDA?"

"To me it is... I just... Im not comfortable with it.... in public..."

"Okay..." he sighed."Well there's no one here..." I looked to him and he looked to me. I moved to kiss him and it took him a few seconds to kiss me back. We made on that bench, and he moved his hand to my ass, but quickly started chuckling as he broke the kiss. "So smooth." I chuckled. But as I chuckled I wished that he was more like Levi... had more purpose into where that was going. We eventually walked back and everything was fine that night until he asked for nudes of me a couple days later over text and I said no. Ten days later he was breaking up with me on Halloween.

I was kind of broken up about it. I didn't want to feel used... but I did. I didn't want to feel like I was just meant as I sex toy for people... but I did.  I didn't get it. Is this my purpose? Am I just meant to take pictures of my naked body so people can get off? And am I just meant for people to drag me behind them in circles  like a dog trying to catch its tail but when they catch their tail they realized that it was mistake they tear my heart out and nail it onto their wall? Am I just meant to feel confused and empty my whole life until someone picks me up and throws me against a wall again when they realize I'm broken so they just break my useless self even more before throwing me away?

Because that. Is what I feel like.

I feel like someone crumpled me like a piece of paper, but the next person who picked me up read my story and realized it wasn't enough to erase me to they tore me into tiny little pieces.

And I crave for someone to just tape me back together. Someone to love me, as much as I loved Levi if not more as cliche as that is.  But at least I have him as a friend right?

Wrong.