My life that sucks a lot

chapter three

Hey so yeah I know I haven't updated in a million years but yeah umm a lot of stuff happened so might as well tell you what happened. And on a side note I haven't talked to Calstone since the last time he walked me to class and so he is a man h*e and a little b*t*h. So yeah. Well its kind of hard to explain but I'm a gymnast and i never got injured like broken anything till like last year. then i broke a sesemoid in my left foot and so i got a cast and couldn't do a lot and that was when everything started to go bad. then my right knee was hurting from the crutches and everything, then the pain changed to my right knee, then my back started to hurt, then it changed to both of my knees, then just the left knee, and then stayed at my back. but we started competition season so i didn't really give out how much my back was hurting. i didn't compete in some meets because it hurt so bad but i won states with a fractured back. during this time i would cut myself with different things like a bolt from my crutch, the an eyebrow shaver thing or i would just scratch my skin till it bled. after states we had regionals which is like the big meet thing, and i did pretty well but after i admitted how bad my back was and i found out it was fractured. i had to take the summer off from gymnastics and could only do strength stuff which i hated but i did it because i wanted to go back. a couple weeks before school started i was told i could start up slowly again and i was so happy. but about two weeks in my back had gone back to square one. i hated this and the doctor said to stop before i did more damage. school started and i was really nervous because the end of my school year last year ended really bad and i barely passed my classes and i would have panic attacks and i would cut and so i was afraid that this would happen again. on my first day of school i hadn't even realized but i was scratching my hand the entire day and biting my lip so i had a big cut like thing and bloody lips from where i bit too hard. school was really bad and i just stopped caring altogether. i cut a couple more times and then was told that i could either do gymnastics and suffer through the pain or quit. that was one breaking point and my best friend that i had gone through everything with was ignoring me even after i like practically saved him from killing himself. i hate how i look and my life was absolutely horrible. then i started cutting, like actually cutting with a razor. i had never done it before because i was scared of knives but i didn't give a shit anymore. and i made a huge mistake, literally. i realized the veins in my arm made a infinity sign so i tried to cut the infinity sign shape. it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would so i did it again. but it was huge and it was really hard to make a valid excuse for it and so i made a really lame excuse that my friend had tried to draw an infinity sign on my arm in mechanical pencil and accidentally cut me... yeah i know pathetic but everyone believed me. and then i finally broke and tried to cut and die. but i really didn't want to die so eventually i finally told my mom that i had been cutting and wanted to die. i was hospitalized the next day, and was there for like 6-7 days. i went to therapy and a group thing on monday nights that went from 5:15 to 8:00 every week. i haven't cut in 22 weeks. but my back was still bad and i hadn't gone back to the gym since i had gotten out of the hospital which was in september. i started working at the gym a couple weeks ago. last week, on wednesday i went to a doctor in san jose which is an hour and a half away from where i live. he told me that my back was never fractured, and that i was born with more ligament than bone in one of my vertebrae and that i have had muscle sprain this whole time. he told me i could go back to gymnastics whenever i want and that if i ice every night the pain will go away. i was ecstatic! but i was also mad that the head of spine couldn't figure that out. my mom was sad and i didn't get why until she explained that i was hospitalized because i was so sad about not being able to do gymnastics that i cut. but i think that eventually that would have happened anyway and everything happens for a reason. i am way stronger now than i ever was and i was training my mind for a bit. i got back to the basics. but now i have to make the decision of whether i go back to the gym or if i just work at the gym. and i don't know what i want when it comes to that so i am still trying to figure stuff out. and so we are still figuring everything out. i got my best friend back and he has been there for me. at first it was hard because he felt bad for ignoring me but after some time he has finally decided to not put himself down about it. i now only have therapy once every other week but no more group on mondays and i am on medication for my depression and anxiety and stuff. so yeah that pretty much sums up everything that has happened between September 2013 and now, March 2, 2014. so i just want you to know that everything happens for a reason and you will make it through the bumps and mountains in life. and you have me, i will always be here to talk to anyone. you are all amazing people and you are all awesome!