It's So Quiet ⌛ narry

can't help but wish - harry

"Harry, babe, could you pick up the newspapers?" Louis called out from the kitchen, his voice echoing through my house.

"Of course." I answered simply, leaving the dishes quickly and going for the door.

I walked out, the hot breeze hitting my face, refreshing me. I saw newspapers on the path outside my house. I grabbed it, and with a deep sigh, I picked it up, not daring to turn to look at the other side, feeling scared that it would be his face on the front.

I'm still not over his death and I think I will never be. He left me broken, speechless, just broken. I couldn't pick the pieces of my heart completely until Louis came into my life. Yeah, we were friends at first, and band members, but he helped me overcome my fears.

I didn't go out. 

I didn't eat.

I didn't drink.

I didn't move.

At all.

It was like I was dead inside, completely. It was like, when he - Niall James Horan died, I died too. 

My will to live wasn't there anymore. I just wanted to die. To disappear.

Reading fan's posts about Niall's death on twitter, on facebook, their videos on youtube, just everything, made it worse. The fans were and still are heartbroken too. Who wouldn't be? Niall was and still is their Irish hero, he made them smile when they felt down. I even heard that some fangirls of Niall's committed suicide right after hearing that Niall passed out. It was really a hard time for me. It still is. 

Remembering.

The memories.

The things I still have with me that he gave me on our dates.

It just hurt so much.

It still does.

And sometimes, I just wish that Louis didn't come to me and that we're not in a relationship now. Because then I would've been with Niall. But at the same time, I'm grateful. He was there for me. Yeah, other members were there for me too, they know how hard it was for me. But nobody was there like Louis was.

But still, I can't help but wish that I'm with my Nialler, my sunshine, my everything at this moment.

I don't think I stopped loving him once.

I still do love him.

And I feel bad because I can't give Louis what he needs, I didn't kiss him on the lips yet, we just kiss on the cheeks and that's it. I feel bad because he's just so patient and if I was in his skin, I don't think I would be that much patient.

But Niall is the one I want and will always want.

And I think Louis, deep down, knows that too. That's why he leaves right when he sees me looking at Niall's pictures, at pictures of Niall and me together. 

He just knows.

"Haz, you alright there?" Louis called out, his voice laced with worry.

"Yeah. I- um, I just dazed out. I think." I cleared my throat, grabbing the newspapers firmer in my hand and turning to look at Louis, who is now standing at the doorstep.

"Alright then. If you say so." Louis just nodded at me, before disappearing back into the house.

I sighed. Louis and I aren't living together, he has his own house, I have mine too. But he just doesn't want to leave me alone because he's afraid I'd do something. He tries to talk to me, at night, and maybe cuddle, but I just can't. I feel like I'm cheating on Niall and I just can't.

That's why he sleeps on the sofa in the living room every night, since the funeral. Yeah, I do feel bad, but I've told him he doesn't have to stay, so I guess it's his choice.

I went back into the house and noticed Louis cutting bread. "I called Liam. He will come soon, and will try to bring Zayn too. Zayn just feels awkward since, ya know, he's not the member of One Direction anymore, and was Niall's ex so yeah." Louis stated awkwardly.

"Wow. Alright." I said, not wanting to argue but not eager to see Zayn.

We're still in the band but we just decided that it would be the best if we go on a hiatus, just to heal with what happened. I was actually scared when Zayn came to my house, crying, shaking because of the cold rain, repeating that Niall can't be dead, that his Niall can't be dead. He said how he didn't even say goodbye to him, how he didn't apologize for not telling him anything before leaving the band and automatically cutting all connections with him he had. So what did I do? 

I let him in, just for a night. The next day he was gone and I haven't seen him since then. But boy did I feel uncomfortable. I was his boyfriend, and Zayn was his ex, and still, Zayn, in front of me, was calling Niall his. You can imagine how I felt.

But anyways, all the members were heartbroken when we saw the news that the plane crashed. I just didn't feel anything, until I had a breakdown and started crying, yelling, shouting, wishing that it was me in that plane, that I died, because it would've been easier if I died and if he was still alive.

He was everyone's ball of happiness, he was the happiest person alive. Everyone was happy because of him, he succeeded in making everyone smile.

It just hurts me to even talk about him in past tense.

Oh boy how I wish to just see him, to kiss him, to hug him, to cuddle with him. I miss his touches, his kisses, just him.

"Harry! Oh my God, are you alright?" Louis shouted in panic, rushing over to me.

I just raised an eyebrow at him until I noticed my finger bleeding. 

I must've cut myself while washing the knife.

Louis immediately grabbed the bandage and started taking care of my finger. But that didn't stop me from being angry.

"Dammit, Louis! Why do you fucking care so much?! I'm alright, it's just a simple cut! Leave me freaking alone and just go home!" I yelled, while pushing him away and making my way up the stairs, wanting nothing much than to cry while looking at Niall's pictures.

And even though I yelled at Louis, I know he won't leave. He will stay with me until I'm completely fine, until I'm ready to be in another relationship.

But I don't think I will ever be able to move on. I just love Niall too fucking much.

And I can't help but wish that I'm with Niall right now, together, in peace.

---

Thank you for reading (:

i really appreciate it. x

another part after this is coming up, so prepare yourself for seeing some narry action. i mean, they will see each other xoxo. i won't tell more.

love you guys, and remember,

you're not alone.

- Jo. x