Trying to Brave the Storm
People say that things get worse before they get better. But what if I don't want them to get worse. Because for some reason everything just keeps getting worse and worse and there doesn't seem to be a rainbow at the edge if this storm. Every storm is supposed to end sometime right? What if this storm is destined to just keep getting worse and worse every day until everything I am is just destroyed? I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I almost gave up today. I almost ended it. Somehow, I stopped myself and messaged my best friend instead. But I know that this storm isn't over.
One of the most amazing people I know told me that the course of life and pain and happiness is a lot like the process in which movies have developed over time. When you're in one of those really really bad tones, that's the first stage, black and white, no sound, just a bunch of pictures strung together without any point. Over time, someone had the brilliant idea to add music on and movies got slightly less lame. Awhile after that, the music was replaced by actual words, but it wasn't really any hid, they didn't have the equipment necessary to make it work right. The voices didn't line up with the acting and it wasn't very good acting at all. Some tone after that, color was added in, and after that voices started lining up better with the acting, and after that someone decided to add special effects and then movies were a lot better than when it was soundness black and white crap.
But the development of movies didn't jump straight from skunked black and white to color and special effects in day and likewise, we can't jump straight from the storm to dry and steady ground in a day.
I keep telling myself to stay strong. Everything will somehow be okay. It will get better. I just have to keep fighting. I can't give up.
It takes a lot longer to put yourself together than to fall apart. And yet I keep falling apart. And I keep being made to feel bad about fading assist by those who process to care about me. Maybe they don't deserve me, and maybe I'm better off without them but it's so hard. It hurts to breathe all of the time. I'm assaulted by memories every time I close my eyes. I hear his voice in my head and his face haunts every dream. I try to put a smile on my face every day, but before I've climbed in bed at night, I've broken siren at least a dozen times. I keep trying to better myself up, but I don't seem to be making all today much progress.
The Ghost of the Fallen Angel
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Random
RandomJust random things that i randomly write for some random reason or another. Some of it is depressing, some isn't. Most of it is found in old journals. All of it is from my heart. (Also I'm condensing most of my older posts on here all onto this one)
