Sidemen One Shots

Jerome - The Voice

POV: Jerome

Warnings: Depression, Anxiety

Word Count: 1062

Note: Look, this was random and really personal...I don't know if I am honestly going to keep it up but I had to get it out there. I had to.....and this is actually shit. I just wrote once, one quick edit and then I posted it. So yeah...enjoy, I guess. Oh, also, I borrowed Aiden from MichaelFoley2's story, Mr. Barn. I love that character so much. I wish I could adopt him as my son. 

Anyway, enjoy. I guess...

Yeah, yeah....I put the wrong pov...my brain wasn't working....

Dialogue: 

Jerome's thoughts

The voice

Messages

-Begin One Shot-

I could feel the panic set in once again. My heart was beating fast, my mind was racing. I was so scared. I didn't know why either, I just was. My anxiety began hitting me full force as I walked out, trying to calm down, trying to clear my head, trying to think.

I walked farther away, my steps quick, trying to get away, from what. I had no idea.

It was several minutes later, after walking an unknown distance, that I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't calm down.

My panic rose further as my breathing became labored.

I paused on a random portion of the sidewalk, looking towards nowhere, my eyes wide.

I need help. I thought. I was too lost in my own mind to make sense of anything but that phrase. Everything else was a loss to me, all of it just a jumbled mess of panic in my brain. 

The need for help was clear though I was scared. I don't like going to people for help, I didn't want to be a burden but I knew I had to, I couldn't go through this alone. 

With shaky hands I dug in my back pocket for my phone, quickly pulling it out and moving to unlock it all in one, shaky motion.

I went to my messages, clicking on the first name without even thinking, pulling up our conversation from earlier.

He might be asleep so I didn't want to call him but maybe he will be up. Maybe he can save me.

You are such a burden

Rang a voice in my head, causing me to pause mid-message.

I knew the voice that spoke so well. It was the voice that had tortured me for so long, haunting me, hating me, for so many years. I had to fight this voice, keep it weak, not let it grow strong. 

I am not.

I thought back, returning to my message, hoping and praying that sending it would help, even if they weren't awake.

Jerome: Hey, I hate to bother you but I don't know what else to do. My brain, it's hating me again. I know I am panicking and I ran away from all the noise, hoping it would help my brain but it hasn't, it's just gotten worse...I don't know what to do. I can't breathe, I can't think, I'm scared....please....help me.

I sent the message without a second thought, leaving me to stare at my phone, praying for a reply.

Why should he reply to you? You are nothing but a waste of space and a bother.

Shut up. I thought back, even though I knew the voice was right.

I was nothing, just an annoyance, all I did was rely on this one person, never really connecting and trusting anyone else so I could give them a break.

They must get so sick of it.

The thought calmed my panic slightly but it sent a wave of depression through my body. My phone felt so heavy in my hand and I wanted to put it down. Even as the telltale buzz came through, signaling that I had gotten a message, I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at it. I couldn't see the sweet words that were probably all lies to cover up how they really feel.

I felt my knees give out and I went to the ground, hard. There was a sharp pain but I didn't think about it, I couldn't think about it, my mind was too busy, thinking about the truth.

You really are a pathetic excuse for a person Robert, you have nothing, you give nothing, you take everything.

No, I don't. I thought back weakly./, trying to still fight the voice, though I knew they had already won.

I stared off into space, trying to push back the voice, deny it, it was so hard though, especially since it was right.

I felt my phone buzz again and this time I looked at it, seeing that I had two messages.

Doing my best to keep my mind numb, I unlocked my phone and looked at the messages, both of them from Aiden.

Aiden: Hey buddy, calm down. It's okay. Breath for me, alright? 

Aiden: Can you tell me where you are?

I paused to look around, scanning the streets and houses to see if I recognized anything. I didn't.

Jerome: I can't...it's all too much...I just can't...I have no idea where I am. I don't recognize anything.

I looked up from my phone and back at my surroundings.

Poor Aiden, he must be so sick of coming to rescue you.

He must be. I thought, feeling my depression weigh me down more.

I wonder he still does it. I am surprised he hasn't told you to piss off. You are such a burden to him.

I am.

I felt my phone buzz again and I looked down.

Aiden: Jerome, please baby boy, I need you to breath. Breathing will help you calm down and figure out where you are. That way I can come get you.

Jerome: No Aiden, I can't. I just...can't.

You are burdening him boy, maybe you should just stop talking to him, it's not going to help you anyway, you will be right back where you started sooner rather than later. He has to hate you for that.

I am sure he does.

Jerome: I'm sorry Aiden, I shouldn't have bothered you.

I sent the message, locking my phone, the realization of how much of a burden I was hitting me.

I always went to Aiden, for everything. For every panic attack, rant I needed to let out, when my depression got too much, when I just needed a cuddle buddy, it was always Aiden, I never trusted anyone else.

Now I've put too much on him. Now he hates me.

I could feel the tears begin to fall as I stood up, my phone slipping from my fingers and onto the hard concrete.

Smart move. Now may he can move on and live a happy life.

I hope so. He deserves it.

With that I began walking, my mind and body numb, just moving in whatever random direction I was heading.

Aiden: No Jerome, you are not a bother. I am here for you.

Aiden: Jerome?

Aiden: Jerome please answer me.

Aiden: Jerome you are scaring me.

Aiden: JEROME!!!!! ANSWER ME YOU CUNT!!!

Aiden: THAT'S IT JEROME! MITCH AND I ARE COMING TO FIND YOU!!!

-6 hours later-

Aiden: Why Jerome...why....I would have helped you...I wanted to help you, so much....and now I can't help you...nobody can....

-End One Shot-

I hope your day is filled with love, smiles, and laughs.