Sharing Scars

10-Leah

10-Leah

My mom was gone. I still couldn't believe it, four days later. I was dressed, ready for her funeral, and I felt numb. I remembered mom's words when she met Nate. "You're going to be just fine now. Nate looks capable of taking care of you." That seemed like so long ago, but was just last week. When I'd gotten to the hospital, after dad collected me from the school the other day, mom was still alive, but she wasn't conscious. Her stomach was being pumped, per my dad's orders, even though the doctor told him it was probably too late to save her. She hadn't been found in time. Mom had taken a bunch of pills and drank three bottles of liquor. She'd committed suicide. She'd left me. I'd already felt abandoned by her while she was alive, but this was worse.

Dad hadn't told me that she committed suicide, but I heard the doctor talking. I knew she hadn't accidently gotten drunk and taken too many pills. My mother was a very meticulous woman. She'd had to be, in order to avoid my father's wrath. So, no, I knew it wasn't an accident. She was just done with living. She'd been living such a horrendous life anyway. Over the years I'd always felt sorry for myself and had resented my mother for not protecting me. I never once thought what it must have been like to be treated like that by your husband. I'm assuming, when they first got together, he was a loving man. What would it be like to lose that man and gain the cruel one in his place?

Without a word to my father, I got into the passenger seat of his truck and we drove to the church. I'd barely spoken more than two words to my father in the four days since mom's death. He was to blame. He'd been an abusive asshole before, but now, at least in my eyes, he was a murderer. Mom wouldn't have killed herself if she were happy. Her sadness came from dad. My sadness came from dad. I lost my mother because of my father. I'd never forgive him for that. If he wanted to continue to be this hateful, horrible person, fine, but I was done. As soon as I graduated, I was gone and I wasn't coming back.

"I'd appreciate it, if you didn't cause a scene today." Dad said, coldly, upon arrival at the church. I stiffened. What the hell did he expect me to do? He continued, "Please control your emotions while in public."

What the hell did that mean? He didn't want me to cry in front of anyone? Seriously? I just lost my mother. If I didn't cry, people would think something was wrong with me. I felt tears gathering in my eyes already, but for this moment, they weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of anger. I grabbed the door handle, but before getting out, I spat, "Fuck you, Dad."

"Leah." He growled, in warning.

"No, I'm sick of this. It's not my fault that you didn't get the son you were hoping for. It's wasn't mom's fault either. Open a freaking book, Dad. It's the male who decides the gender in the conception process. So if you want to blame anyone, look in the damned mirror. I lost my mother because of you. She couldn't stand to live with your hatred any longer and, do you know what, neither can I. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. You didn't want a daughter, well, from this moment on, consider yourself childless." I told him and got out.

It had felt damned good, but now that I looked up at the church, I felt dread settle back into my stomach. I was about to say my final goodbye to my mother. She was about to be buried in the ground. The tears started and I let them flow freely as I walked into the church. I could see people looking behind me, probably wondering where dad was, but I didn't give a damn. I was done with him and I'd meant every word I said. I spotted Ian and shook my head. No way was he sitting way back here. He had been more my family than my own father. I went over to him and grabbed his arm, pulling him to his feet. He was giving me a confused look, but I took his hand in mine and was about to pull him toward the front with me, when I spotted someone else who had grown to mean more to me than I ever imagined possible.

Nathan Reed. He was sitting, with his head hanging, and l felt horrible that I hadn't reached out to him the last couple days. I went over, dragging Ian with me, and touched Nate's shoulder. He glanced up sharply and his eyes widened upon seeing me. I held my hand out to him and waited. He glanced at my hand, before glancing at everyone who was watching us. Fuck them. I didn't give a damn what anyone thought about my behavior. Finally, Nate put his hand in mine and I dragged my boys up to the front pew, so they could sit with me. I knew when my father entered, because the whispers of the crowd increased. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that my father sat at the end of the same pew, but I didn't glance over. I didn't care what he thought about me brining Ian and Nate up to sit with me either.

It was sad that it took the death of my mother for me to grow stronger. Maybe my mom knew that's what it would take. Maybe that's why she did it. She'd been happy to learn about Nate, even though we hadn't been dating yet, at the time. Maybe mom could sense that was the direction Nate and I were heading. She finally felt that she could free herself from the prison she called life, because she knew Nate would take care of me. I just wish she'd been strong enough to free herself a different way. I needed her now more than ever.

The organ began to play and the casket was brought in. I couldn't look at it, at first. It didn't feel real to me. My mother wasn't in that box. No way. But she was. She was gone and she wasn't coming back. I'd been so resentful to her, for so long, and now she was gone. I couldn't tell her that I love her. I couldn't tell her that I forgive her for not stepping in when dad spoke cruelly to me. I couldn't tell her that I now understood that she was dealing with her own pain. My eyes finally sought her casket. My beautiful mother was inside and pretty soon, she'd be put in the ground. Dirt would cover her and that box. A headstone with her name on it would soon be the closest I could get to her.

Nate suddenly squeezed my hand and I turned to look at him. His eyes were bleak and he was looking at me with concern. I squeezed his hand back and laid my head on his shoulder. The priest began his sermon and I spaced out. I was so tired. I hadn't been sleeping, because when I did sleep I had nightmares. In these nightmares, I was the one swallowing those pills and drinking that liquor. I was the one getting her stomach pumped. I was the one in the casket. I lifted my head and zeroed in on the words being spoken before us. I needed to distract myself from my horrific thoughts. I wasn't like my mother, I vowed. I could withstand this pain. Mom couldn't. She gave up. I refused to do that. Mom never once thought about what her suicide would mean to me. She selfishly took her own life and I was the one left here, grieving, hurting, feeling. My anger began to grow and I prayed nobody could tell the turn my thoughts had taken. I was so angry with my father for his cruelness pushing my mother over the edge, but I was also angry with her. She had other options. It didn't have to be death.

A couple minutes later, we were all filing out of the church to gather across the street, at the graveside. More prayers were read and then it was over. I could finally leave. I nodded to the people who expressed their condolences to me, but mostly people just gave me looks of pity. I turned my back on it all. I hugged myself and walked away from the crowd. A moment later, Nate fell into step on one side of me, while Ian came up on the other. Ian whispered, "Want to come to my house? Uh, Nate, you can come too, if you want."

I stopped walking and looked at my best friend. He knew that I didn't want to go home. I couldn't be around my dad and I didn't want to deal with anyone who came to the house, bringing their pitying looks with them. I pulled Ian to me and wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tight, in silent thanks. When I pulled away I looked at Nate, who shuffled his feet and said, "We can go wherever you want to go, do whatever you want to do. Where you go, I go."

"Let's go to Ian's." I say and we head for Ian's car. I wasn't sure what my future held, but I was grateful for both of these boys right now. If I did nothing else right in life, at least I'd managed to find these two.