Sharing Scars

11-Leah

11-Leah

"It's graduation day." I told myself, looking in the mirror.

It had been a couple months since mom's passing and there was still a hollow pit in my heart, where I missed her. I rarely saw my dad and when I did, it was just in passing. We didn't speak and that was fine with me. I'd told him I was done and I meant it. I'd stopped hiding my new wardrobe and I no longer had to sit through his cruel lectures. It was a win, win, for me.

I couldn't believe it was graduation day. Time was going so quickly. With the help of the school counselor, I had managed to get enough scholarships for next year and was scheduled to start at Columbia in the fall. Nate was going to come with me and we already signed a one year lease on an apartment. I couldn't wait to move in with him. I was already packed and we were moving tomorrow. We couldn't wait to leave this shithole town behind. It held nothing but bad memories for both of us. Nate had told his dad that he was leaving and wasn't coming back. The man didn't care. It was horrible and I felt for Nate. I was pretty much in the same boat. My dad had never cared about me either.

"Leah." Dad's voice startled me more than his light tap against my door.

What the hell? Dad didn't talk to me. He sure as hell didn't seek me out. Nervously, I replied, "Yea?"

"May I come in?"

"Uh, I guess?"

Dad opened the door and stood, leaning against the door frame, looking at the floor. Then he slowly lifted his head and stared at me for another couple of minutes, before he finally said, "You don't have to accept my apology, but I want to give it to you anyway. I know you're leaving tomorrow. I overheard your conversation on the phone last night. I didn't want you to leave without me saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for never treating you with the love you deserve. I'm sorry for treating your mother so poorly as well. I know it's my fault that she killed herself. I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life. I just...my father wasn't a kind man. When I didn't behave the way he thought I should, I'd get his fist or the belt. While my sister got away with everything. That's why you don't know any of my extended family. I left home as soon as I could and never looked back."

Dad paused and I let his words sink in. What was he saying? Was he trying to excuse the way he'd treated me, by bringing up the shitty way he was raised? If that's what he was going for, his story was doing nothing but piss me off. Dad was beaten, so he decided that he should continue the cycle and be a shitty ass parent too? It made no sense.

As if hearing my thoughts, dad continued, "I'm not telling you this to excuse my behavior. When your mother became pregnant I was so happy. I thought this would be my chance to right a wrong. My father was an asshole. I would raise my own son completely different and we'd be better than my pathetic family. When you were born a girl, I kind of lost my mind a little. I just kept picturing every time I'd come away with a bloody lip or other injury from my father, while my sister would smirk at me and practically get away with murder. When I looked at you, I saw her, and that was wrong of me. So very wrong. I treated your mother like crap, because in my messed up mind, it was her fault. She knew I wanted a son. I thought if I had a son, everything would be fixed. My heart was closed to you from the second you born and I don't blame you for hating me. Just please, don't let my stupidity guide your future. I know you're dating that Reed kid and, from what I've heard, he hasn't had an easy upbringing either. So it's natural that you two would gravitate toward each other. I'm not going to tell you how to live anymore. I'm just going to say, be happy."

I wiped at the tears that had started flowing, silently, down my face. I was leaving tomorrow. So there would be no reason for my dad to lie to me now. He was telling the truth. He was truly sorry and he wanted me to be happy. His apology and this change in him came a couple months too late for my mother, but I know she was smiling down on us now. As if to prove it, the clouds shifted and the sun brightened my room. I smiled sadly and straightened my spine, "Thank you, Dad. I am happy. I'm in love with Nate."

Dad nodded, "Ok. Well, good. I guess I'll go, so that you can finish getting ready. I wasn't sure if you'd want me there today. I can go, if you want or I don't have to. It's up to you. You know what, don't answer that. It's fine. I, um, I also want you to know that I've been seeing a counselor. She's helped me see the error of my ways and has been helping me deal with my guilt of what happened with your mother. I know that I still have a long way to go."

Dad turned to leave, but I said, "Dad. Thank you for everything you've said today. It's going to take me some time, to...let go of my anger, I guess, but I'm going to try. Maybe we can work on our relationship someday."

Dad smiled and his eyes got watery. He nodded, "I'd like that. Leah, I'm so proud of you. I saw your final report card downstairs. I'm sorry that I always demanded nothing but the best out of you and I'm really sorry for the way that I demanded it. You're so smart and I know you're going to do wonderful things."

Dad left me alone after that and I knew I wouldn't see him at graduation today. That was ok. Like I told him, I wasn't ready to let everything go, but I suddenly felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'd tried burying my habit of needing my father's approval, but it was still with me. The fact that he reached out to me, instead of just letting me go, tells me that he truly did want to change. The look in his eyes today had been different. The disdain he had always shown me was no longer present.

I'd been lying to myself, before, I realized. When I said that I was done with my father and that I didn't care about him, I'd been lying. He was my father. I'd never have another one. I still wanted his love and approval. So I meant my words, when I told him that maybe we could work on our relationship someday. For now, though, he needed to work on himself and I needed to go out and experience life.