Bakit Siya?

2÷Bakit?

#2|Bakit?

"Bakit My?..." I trailed off nang nakita ko kung ano ang hawak ng aking ina. Shit. No. Not my test paper. Bakit ko ba kasi iniwan yan diyan. Sana tinapon ko nalang.

Seeing my mom hold that piece of paper in front of me was like me being executed in court. She was always disappointed of my grades. There was a time that I even went to a computer shop just to make my grades higher. I let them change all my line of 7 and 8 grades into line of 9. That was the only time that they were happy. Happy because they're stupid child got so much smart. But it dawned into me that without those fucking fake grades they wouldn't be this happy. Then that day came, the school called my parents and they told them my real grades, they grounded me for 3 months. My life was just Home-School-Home-School. My life became miserable. Actually we are not in good terms with my parents. Actually kailan pa kami in good terms diba? Nagawa ko lang naman yon kasi gusto kong maging proud sila sa akin kahit ngayon lang.

Kahit ngayon lang.

Sana kahit isang beses maging proud sila sa akin.

Pagkatapos kong ma-ground ng 3 months. Doon ako natutong mag-cutting, makipag-away, mag-inom at mag-yosi. Doon ko rin natutunan na magloko.

"I thought you were doing good in school Holly?" Tanong niya sa isang mas mataas na boses kesa sa totoong tono ng boses niya.

"Uhmmm...My. Nahalf ko naman po yong test diba at top 15 po ako sa pinakamataas na nakuha." Nakangiti kong saad habang pinipilit ang sarili kong huwag maiyak. Sinabi ko yon dahil ang alam ko magiging proud siya.

Pinisil ko ang kamay ko habang nakatungo dahil konti nalang iiyak na ako.

"My god Holly! Top 15 sa exam na to'. Paano nangyari yun eh 27 lang nakuha mo! 27 out of 50! My god. Akala ko up to 30 lang to pero 50! 23 wrongs. Tapos ang proud proud mo pa eh ang rami mong mali." Nangangalaiting saad ng aking ina. Tapos nag-walkout siya. Bago siya maka-akayat tinapon niya sa basurahan yung test paper ko.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko kaya dali-dali ko itong pinunasan at umakyat sa kwarto ko. Nilock ko yung pinto at umiyak ng umiyak.

Hindi na ba ako mapapagod umiyak. Gusto ko yung mamamanhid nalang ako sa lahat ng sasabihin ni Mommy.

Ginawa ko ang lahat para maging proud sila sa akin pero kahit minsan hindi nila ako pinagmalaki.

When I was in first year highschool nag-tryout ako para sa volleyball team ng school. Volleyball was my life before. I trained so hard, I go to school 6 o'clock in the morning and go home 8 o'clock in the evening. Before my game I called mom to come and watch me play but they were too busy may operation daw si daddy at may irereview daw siyang kaso. I was so hopeful that day that they would come. I told coach that I will rest for a while and he will just put me on the game after 5 minutes and he agreed. That time I always look on the bleachers hoping that they were actually just kidding but no. No trace of mom and dad. When coach called me to go and play. I was really determined and hoping that they will come, even last minute. They will come. I kept that in mind. I went inside the court and high fived my teammate before she got out. The whole game I did not focus. Every 5 seconds I would roam my eyes in bleachers, hoping that they were there. Then reality hit me, they don't like sports they've never been supportive on my volleyball.

My parents like me to play Chess because they said that Chess is for smart people so they loved the game. I tried playing chess but it was too difficult for me, I would try to memorize the openings but my mind wouldn't just accept it. My first game in chess, my parents watched it they were so determined they even hired a trainor for me. They were there when I was playing chess, that's when the time that my parents watch me play for something. But then I lost and I told them that I don't like chess, it isn't for me. I told them I like to play volleyball and then that's when I first saw the disappointment in their eyes.

After the incindent, I was so used seeing those kind of eyes. I've seen their happy eyes but not for me it is for other people.

It was summer then, my parents told me that we were going to Los Angeles to see the son of their friend. They told me he is my age, he has parents but he lives with his grandmother, his parents are in Dubai working while he is in California to study.

I was so happy to meet him because my parents told me stories about him and that's the time only that I saw my mom's pair of happy eyes again.

I was so eager to meet that boy.

We went to California as planned.

"Oh my gosh you are so handsome young man" My mom cheerfuly said to him.

"Thank you ma'am" he said.

"Don't call me ma'am please its too formal. Call us Tita and Tito." My mom said in a giddy manner.

They were talking and talking and I never got a chance to interrupt. I learned that he is smart, he is a chess player and he likes to be an attorney someday. That's why mom likes him and dad too.

Kahit etchepwera nalang ako. Okay lang atleast masaya sila diba. He was like their son and I was like nobody. My parents would go somewhere and invite him and I would always insist to stay at the house. If I would go with them what's the use, right? They will never notice me. Hindi nila ako pinapansin kasi nakatuon buong atensyon nila sa kanya. All I can here are praises about him and that's when I start to hate him. I wish I would be him so I can be praised too by my parents. I can see that if there is a chance they would adopt him and I would be always nothing. Walang silbi naman ako. Walang narating and walang achivements.

I was so young that time and then I realize that my parents were not the same. They want something greater or they want something better. Better daughter if possible. But I can't give that I am already the best of me. I am trying to be better for them but I think my best wasn't enough for them.

Merong mga panahon na dinadala ako nila mommy sa mga dinners nila. I feel so small. I feel like I don't belong. Merong mga taong kilala ko, schoolmates and in the party they look at me with disgust and disbelief. They know my attitude and they know that I am not smart. When they knew that my father is Dr. Franco Rodriguez, the famous neurosurgeon in the philippines and the CEO of Rodriguez Group of Companies and my mother Atty. Isabel Rodriguez, the famous Attorney Rodriguez. That's when they judged me. They would always talk behind my back and tell bad things about me.

May mga naririnig ako na "Paano naging anak yan ni Dr. Rodriguez at Atty. Rodriguez eh ang bobo niyan at basagulera pa at magaling uminom at magyosi." Tapos tinawanan nila ako. "Baka ampon." Tapos tumawa ulit sila.

Gusto ko silang patulan, sabunutan at sigawan pero baka magalit sina mommy at daddy sa akin. Hinihila ko sina mommy at daddy pababa. Dinudungisan ko ang pangalan nila. Pabigat ako. Walang ginagawang tama.

Kaya after non, hindi ako sumama sa kahit anong lakad ni mommy at daddy even with his friends. I would always stay at my room and sleep if possible. Sawang-sawa na akong makarinig ng mga pangungutya at sasabihin ng ibang tao tungkol sa akin at sa parents ko.

I will always be a failure. I've always been and I will always be. Kahit anong gawin ko ganito na ako wala na silang magagawa.

I'm tired trying to impress everyone. I'm tired trying to make my parents proud. I'm tired of being someone I am not. I am tired prentending that it's okay that I am a failure. I am tired being me.

I am tired of hearing all the bad comments and hearing all the disappointments that I am from other people and my parents.

I am tired of everthing. I will be myself now.

I will do everthing that will make me happy. I will pursue my dreams eventhough my parents doesn't support me.

I am tired of being a failure to everyone.

Maybe its time to make this
failure a better person by being myself.