How It Felt (João Constancia)

Chapter One

"Oh please, Lacey, you need to get over him! Tara na, labas na kase tayo," pagpupumilit sa akin ni Chloe habang hinihila ako patayo ng kama ko.

"Ayoko. I'm dead tired, okay?"

Oo, pagod ako. Kahit wala naman akong ginawa buong maghapon kung hindi ang kumain ng ice cream, umiyak, at magmukmok hanggang makatulog. For the past two months, halos ganyan lang ang routine ko. On repeat.

Mabuti nalang at bakasyon ngayon dahil kung hindi, siguradong bagsak ang grades ko dahil sa ginagawa kong pagmumukmok. At kapag nangyari yon, hindi ko na ata talaga kakayanin pa. Russell breaking up with me was terrible but me failing my subjects (kung nagkataon) was something else.

Pakiramdam ko nga eh bundat na bundat na ako sa ginagawa kong 'to. Ni hindi na ako nakakapagworkout. Parang kami, hindi na rin nag work out.

Yan, sige Lacey, jan ka magaling. Sige lang, alalahanin mo lang yung ex mo! Siguradong makakamove on ka.

Damn, I really do have a love/hate relationship with my subconscious.

"Hindi ka ba naaawa sa sarili mo? Palagi ka nalang ganyan! Kung hindi siguro kita dinadalaw dito araw-araw, feel ko hindi ka rin maliligo!"

"Wow ha. Alam mo, Chloe, kahit di ako maligo, mabango pa rin ako. Tsaka bakit ba? Ayoko nga pumarty ngayon. Wala ako sa mood," paliwanag ko.

"Sus! Palagi ka namang wala sa mood e. Sige na naman please, you need to get back on track. School's about to start and you sure are not in your best phase. Besides, even though he was a good guy, Russell's an asshole for dumping you, I know. But he's definitely not worth it para iyakan mo siya ng ganito. I miss you even though I see you everyday. I miss the old you," she explained.

Chloe's words hit me. She's right. Russell was a good guy. I never thought he'd be capable of hurting me that way. Deep inside of me, I know I can't stay this way forever. Lalo pa't magsisimula na naman ang academic year. I'm pretty sure Russell's doing fine now so siguro, dapat ganun rin ako. And just like Chloe, I miss the old me, too.

"Sige, pero by 12:30 am, uwi na tayo, ha?" I offer.

"What? 12:30, that's when the party's just starting. Pwedeng 1:30? Please," pagpupumilit na naman niya.

I groaned. Sige na nga, pagbigyan ko na 'to. "Fine," I agree.

I hurriedly took a shower and got ready. Chloe already picked out some clothes for me. Kaya pagkatapos kong mag style ng buhok, nagbihis na ako at nag make up.

"Wow, finally! You look like a real human now," Chloe sarcastically said.

"Thank you ha."

"Pero hindi nga, seryoso. Thanks for finally deciding to go out. This is a start," she exclaimed.

"I hope so," I answer. "Whose party are we going to, anyway?"

"Tony's! His parents are out for a while and since the school year is just about to start, he decided to throw a party. Just to get things heated, you know, before we go through hell again," she explained.

Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko but I flinch at the probability of seeing Russell tonight — be it that Tony and him are in the same circle of friends, but I chose to ignore the thought.

"School's not hell, Chloe," pagkontra ko. "Isang taon nalang at college na tayo tapos ganyan ka pa."

"You're right. I really need to focus this year. Pero for now, let's have a good time first, alright?"

"Alright."

***

We arrived at the party at past 10 pm. Grabe. This is one huge party. Almost everyone that I know from school is here. Everyone's having the time of their lives. Talagang sinusulit ang natitirang araw ng summer break.

They all looked happy. They all look like they've gone places this summer but me? I was stuck in my room, crying over a guy who probably doesn't even spare a single thought of me now. My parents went to Macau this vacation along with my brother pero I decided not to go with them. I decided to endure the pain. Alone. Or atleast with Chloe every now and then.

"What have you done to me, Russ? I seriously need to get you out of my system," I mentally remind myself.

"You're here, guys!" Tony exclaimed the moment he saw Chloe and I.

"What's good, Tony? We missed you," bati ni Chloe.

"Kamusta? Uy, Lacey!" sabi ni Tony sabay beso sa akin, at kay Chloe.

"Uhh, Tony... ano... si.. uhh," nauutal kong sabi.

"Let me guess. Si Russ? Wala pa siya dito. He's still in Chicago. I haven't heard from him in a while e. But I'm pretty sure he'll be here before school starts."

Thank God. Para akong nabunutan ng tinik. Safe ang puso ko from further damage... sa ngayon. Hindi pa rin kasi ako handa na makita siya ulit.

"Oh sige, I'll see you girls later. I'll go catch up with the guys muna," Tony declared before walking away.

Nakakabingi yung tunog ng music at ang sakit sa mata ng paikot-ikot na ilaw. Hindi naman talaga ako party animal, but siguro I just got used to Chloe forcing me to come with her every now and then.

I've already had a few shots tonight. Ayoko malasing lalo pa't alam ko na malalasing si Chloe at no choice ako kung hindi iuwi siya mamaya.

"Girl! Sayaw tayo! Kanina ka pa jan e. This is our jam oh, remember?" paanyaya ni Chloe habang hinihila ako sa gitna. Mejo tipsy na siya.

Yeah right. Twerk It Like Miley. This was everyone's favorite song to dance to a year or two ago.

I managed to stay still habang sumasayaw hanggang matapos yung kanta. Feeling ko matutumba na ako sa sobrang siksikan. Grabe naman 'tong party na 'to.

Iniwan ko na si Chloe sa gitna and sat on my spot kase hindi ko na talaga kaya. Ang lakas ng tama nung vodka sa akin kahit kaunti lang naman ang nainom ko. But I was glad to be able to forget about the pain for a while.

"Uy, Lace! Ano, kaya pa? Hatid na kita pauwi if you want," Tony offered. I didn't even notice that he was sitting right beside me. My vision's blurry already but I knew it was him.

"No, thanks. I'll probably just doze off here later pag di ko na talaga kaya," sabi ko.

"Sure, no problem. Let me atleast introduce you to someone." Kinalabit niya yung lalaking nasa tabi niya. "Uhh, Lacey, this is João. João this is Lacey."

"H-hi," I manage to say in between hiccups.

Naramdaman kong umalis si Tony. Kase lumapit yung lalaki, who was just introduced to me but I was too tired or too drunk to even remember his name.

"Hey. Pleasure to meet you. Are you alright?"

"A— *hiccup* antok *hiccup* na ako," I sob, wiping the liquid dripping off my face. I don't even know if this is sweat or tears. An unexpected yawn came out from my mouth.

"I've only known you for like, 10 seconds, but bet you I know that you're funny," sabi niya. "Wait, are you crying?"

"E-ewa— *hiccup* ewan. Ang s— *hiccup* sakit pa rin kase e. Ru— *hiccup* Russell *hiccup* bak— *hiccup* bakit?!"

"Who's Russell?"

He was just looking at me. He's probably waiting for an explanation. But seriously, how am I supposed to describe the guy who broke my heart to someone who's practically a stranger to me? Besides, I don't think I can still get a word out without vomiting.

I was already feeling nauseous as hell. Siguro kung nakatayo ako ngayon, natumba na ako. Biglang tumunog yung phone ko.

From: Chloe

I csn't find yuo.. Lacej. Had to laeve. Sprry......

Oh crap. Paano ako ngayon nito.

"Hey. Lacey. Are you alright?" usisa niya.

"Lacey..."

"Uy."

That was the last thing I remember before everything went black.