Rough Tides

Prologue

Prologue

Ever since I started going to high school my life hasn't been easy. I felt worthless, not good enough. I constantly had the feeling of never being able to accomplish something in my life. To be honest, this feeling was killing me. It's always been there. Even in my dreams. I used to have really good friends back in middle school but unfortunately, I lost all of them.

I had best friend. Her name was Alice. We had a lot in common and we spent most of the time together. In our spare time we went shopping and on the weekends we had sleepovers. We did have an amazing time, that's for sure. Though, Alice never let me do something with someone else. No matter who it was, she always wanted me for herself. I didn't have any idea what was going on at that time. If I had known that I'd have never become friends with her. In 7th grade she called me ugly, fat and for some reason I believed it. She wasn't serious but I thought she was and so I thought she really meant it. It hurt a lot. And hearing this from your best friend was even worse. My parents kept telling me that she was jealous of me. I never listened to them. I could never believe it. Now I know that it must have been true. She most likely was jealous because my parents made me travel to amazing places all over the world. Hawaii, Spain, Italy and so on. Alice always tried to tell me how horrible all these places were. I believed it. I got into a lot of fights with my parents as I told them that I didn't want to travel with them. They never understood why.

Even that "perfect" friendship had to come to an end one day. It all started when I was on vacation in San Francisco with my parents two years ago. I was in 8th grade at that time. Anyways, I had such a great time there. On New Year's I texted Alice, wishing her a happy new year. However, she didn't reply. Neither did she answer my calls. That made me worry since I was used to her always picking up her phone when I called. On our flight back to New York City I tried not to think about Alice. Honestly, I was mad at her. Mad for not answering my calls or replying to my text messages.

At the airport, I called her again because I needed to talk to her. Fortunately, she picked up. I said "hi", she did, too. I told her that I had missed her but she had already ended the call.

In school, she didn't speak with me at all which was weird. We normally shared everything we've experienced. As it seemed, we were no longer on speaking terms, though.

A few days later, I decided to talk to her. Worst decision ever. She told me that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. End of friendship. I finally knew why she didn't want to talk to me. She was thinking about our friendship.

I was alone. I didn't have anyone to talk to. Literally everyone at my school ignored me. When I talked to them, they turned away to start a conversation with someone else. I used to cry myself to sleep every damn night, hoping for things to get at least a little bit better. They never did. Unfortunately, they got worse.

 

I started High School. Freshman. I wanted this year to be over soon. As soon as possible. Being new at a High School sucked a lot. However, this year turned out to be one of the best years I've ever had. I made friends who actually liked me for who I was.

A year later, one of my best friends moved away and sadly, we didn't stay in contact which was just extremely sad. She was one of the most important friends I've ever had. I did still have other friends but the friendship I shared with them was different. We got into arguments pretty often and whenever I met up with them it ended in a disaster. There was a time when I felt like shit. I didn't exactly know why but it was horrible. My grandpa got sick, my brother had a depression and everything got worse every day. My "friends" never tried to help me. They didn't care about me. It was sad. I was sad. They've never texted let alone talked to me. I got mad and shared my anger with people on the internet. The problem was, that my so called friends found that out.

It was a Monday and I had math, first period when my friend came into the classroom. Everyone could tell that she was totally pissed off. She sat down next to me and started screaming at me. She called me "The worst friend ever". She insulted me pretty badly which made me cry. So I ran out of the classroom. Sadly, that friend followed me to make me feel even worse. In the bathroom she called me names and I felt really weak because every attempt to make her stop screaming at me failed. End of that friendship. I do know that I made a mistake. I should have acted differently but I couldn't talk to them about my problems. It didn't seem like the right thing to do.

A year later, I had to deal with depression myself. Nobody could help me.

Nobody wanted to help me.

I didn't have any friends.

Adding to that, nobody ever talked to me. I was 16 and I've never had a boyfriend. It felt like I've always had the wrong friends. Friends who never really cared about me. I didn't have any idea what I was doing wrong in my life.