Rough Tides

Chapter 5

 

A few hours have passed by and when the bell rang it was time for lunch. I slowly stood up from my chair and walked over to the door of my English classroom. Louis, the boy who sat next to me opened the door and ran down the hallway as fast as he possibly could. Apparently, he wanted to get a good seat at lunch, next to his friends Liz and Taylor. Everyone at this school had a crush on Taylor. He was tall, had curly brown hair and looked like an actor. He had a cheeky smile and whenever he told a joke everyone laughed. He was a nice guy. Always complimenting his friends and always being there for them. Everyone looked for this in a guy. Except for me. Of course, he had a big heart and he was a good listener but I never wanted to fall for the same boys every girl did because I knew I'd never have a chance. All the girls in my grade were prettier, smarter or funnier. Compared to them, I was a nobody. Liz and Taylor were Louis's best friends. I've never seen them fight even though Louis really liked punching people. He's never hurt any of his friends, though. For me, it seemed like thev've been friends forever. Like they grew up together which they probably haven't. Compared to Taylor, Louis was not that good looking. He wasn't as tall and he didn't have curly hair either. His hair was blonde and short. Adding to that, he had a scar on his collar bone. Nobody knew where he got that from. However, he did look good. His sense of humor was nice and he obviously had a thing for girls like Liz. Then, who hadn't? She was pretty popular at this school, not only for her looks. Liz actually was an actress, not many people knew her as she has only had a few smaller roles in movies that weren't shown in theaters. At school, though, pretty much everyone knew who she was. She usually straightened her long blond hair which made her look older. Her brown eyes sparkled when she smiled.

I walked out of the classroom. People were running down the hallway but I didn't. I didn't have anyone to sit with at lunch so there wasn't any need hurrying. I wasn't even hungry. I was not looking forward to spending lunch all by myself. I should have been used to it by then but I honestly wasn't as I still had to see the girl that made me cry a year ago and her friend talking and laughing. Simply having a nice conversation which I would never ever want to join again.

As I reached the cafeteria my eyes wandered around to find a table nobody sat at. I found one so I slid into the chair, pulling a notebook out of my bag. I liked drawing even though I sucked at it. At least I had something to do during lunch. I was currently working on a drawing of a girl and a boy who were sitting at the beach and watched the sunset. I was proud of how it looked. So far, it was the best drawing I've ever done. Once I've finished off the couple I went on with the sunset which was a bit harder. But I somehow managed that too.

 

“Her hair is so weird. If mine looked like that I'd probably cut it all off and dye it a completely different color. I don't understand why so many people like girls with curly hair. And that color.” I heard a girl behind me say. I was pretty sure that the voice belonged to Macy.  She liked talking about me behind my back.

I kept on drawing and tried to ignore her which worked out. Only for a few minutes, though. It seemed like they intended to make me listen to them even though I seriously didn´t want to. It would have been better not to pay attention to them at all. However, as they started talking louder I got angrier.

“Jenna's too fat for this. I'd never wear anything like that if I were her.” Cara, Macy´s friend said.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. I was about to explode. I hated them so much. I knew I wasn't looking like a model but I was definitely not fat. My legs were long and pretty skinny. For some reason, I couldn't hold my back my anger. I needed to get it out. I suddenly had the desperate need to scream at the girls, to throw something at them. And that was exactly what I did.

I stood up, leaving my notebook behind and walked over to the place we students could get their food from. Mashed potatoes was today's lunch. To be honest, I didn't care as I wasn't about to eat it. I could feel Macy and her friends staring at me. I took a tray and put a bowl on it. Then, I went up to the counter asking for some mashed potatoes. I got them. Right afterwards I walked up to the tables. Not to mine, though. Instead I went to Macy, Cara and Felicia's.

“Hey.” I said and smiled at them happily and pretended to be nice.

They didn't smile back at me let alone did they even look at me. I didn't care. I took the bowl and threw the content right at Macy.

“So you obviously like to spread shit about me? Next time I'll pour coke over your head. If I were you, I'd prepare myself for that. Got that? I hope so.” I turned around on my heels and walked back to my table. There, I stuffed my notebook and my pencil in my bag and proudly walked out of the cafeteria.

I've never done anything like that before. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I was so tired of always listening to all the people talking about me behind my back. I noticed that many people have done it. I hoped that the thing I just did could combat this at least a little bit. It was extremely hard to cope with it. Honestly it hurt. I missed the time I had friends. I terribly wanted to be someone who had friends that liked me the way I was. I wanted to be someone. Throwing food at Macy wasn´t the best idea I know that. I couldn't come up with anything else. I just wanted to show them that I wouldn't let them do anything like that to me again.

 

On the hallway I passed a boy I used to have a crush on in 10th grade. We had history together and we had often talked. A year ago I had started to work at a Starbucks in Manhattan after school (I still worked there every day except Monday, Saturday and Sunday). Phil had often come to visit me there and I remember talking to him until the shop closed. Though, when I lost all of my friends, I lost him too. I didn't know why exactly but I guess it was because my ex-friends told him stuff about me that wasn't even true. It was sad. Since then I haven't talked to him and he stopped coming to the Starbucks I worked at. Back then I didn't know how to feel about that whole situation. I mean, I did have a huge crush on him, like I would imagine kissing him and becoming a couple. In the end, when all my friends turned their back on me and literally turned against me, I realized that he wasn't friends with me because he liked me. Still, it was awkward seeing him at the Starbucks I worked at pretty much every day.

“Hey…” I said to Phil. He stopped and smiled at me.

“Hi. What's up? Why are you not at lunch?”

This is like the first time he's talked to me in a year. Honestly I didn't have any idea why I suddenly wanted to start a conversation with a boy I used to be in love with. Probably because I needed someone to talk to otherwise I'd have ended up not having talked to anyone during the day in school.

“Not much, actually. I'm headed to my next lesson. I don't want to be late. And the reason I'm not at lunch is that I'm not very hungry.” Most of the things I told him were a lie.

He shrugged his shoulders and said something which I couldn't really understand. Then he walked away. Alright, then. I tried. And I've obviously failed.

 

School had ended and instead of taking the bus I decided to walk home. It wasn't too far away and I needed to call my brother. I dialed his number and a few seconds later he picked up. He was crying.

“Mason? Are you okay? What happened?” I already knew the answer. Depression. He didn't answer anyway. I sighed and looked down. It was a windy day so I constantly had to push my hair out of my face. Plus, it was cold. I hugged myself. I couldn't put into words how worried I was about my brother. I was afraid he'd do something to himself. I had so many problems to deal with myself and seeing my brother suffering from depression caused even more weight on my shoulders which was not good at all.

My 17 year old brother most likely had an emotional breakdown. I couldn't help him. I couldn't do anything to make him feel better. I felt like a failure.

I basically was a failure.

I declined the call without meaning to.

I needed to lie down. I needed to take a break from reality.

I ran the rest of the way home not caring if I hit a car or anything else that was in my way.