Rough Tides

Chapter 3

My mind was racing when I woke up the next day. It was Monday and I had to go to school. I didn't want to go. I couldn't.

I swung my legs over my bed, my feet were touching the floor. It was pretty cold in my room because I forgot to shut the window last night. After I had stopped crying I got myself ready for bed. I needed to get some fresh air in. The moment I curled up in bed I slept in. I had slept like a baby. How I wished I could have just gone back to sleep.

I hated monday mornings so much. I didn't like getting up early in the morning. My brain didn't work at this time. Who am I kidding?

My brain never worked. I was making the worst decisions in my life. 

I opened the door of my room and walked over to the bathroom that was at the opposite side of my own room. I usually had to share the bathroom with my brother but as he was at my grandma's, I had it for myself. I told myself I'd visit my brother right after school and if I was too exhausted- which I probably would be- I'd just call him. I pulled my pink shirt that was way too big for me over my head and slipped out of my pajamas. I stepped into the shower, letting cold water run over my body as I needed to awaken or I'd probably fall asleep in first period.

I put my clothes on. Black leggings and a Band-shirt of a band I didn't even listen to. I liked the shirt, that's it. My dad always teased me about it but I didn't care. I did my hair and my makeup. I looked at the refelction in the mirror. I seriously hated the way I looked. My body and my face was the worst. I doubted anyone would ever be able to love me the way I am. The only thing I liked about myself were my eyes. People used to tell me that they looked amazing. They were kind of green-gray but sometimes they looked blue. I didn't even know what color my eyes actually had.

I went downstairs to get some breakfast. My mom's already put the bowl of granola on the table. I always had granola with fruits for breakfast on a school morning. It was different on the weekend. 

"Morning, Honey! How are you doing?" she asked me. She was standing in front of the kitchen counter, making coffee. She had her back to me. 

My mom always got up at the same time as I did. She insisted on making me breakfast because she wanted to see me in the morning. It was a good thing and I liked it. She'd calm me down when I was nervous. She'd just talk to me when nobody else wanted to talk to me throughout the day.

"I'm okay." I said and sat down, shoving the spoon into my mouth and slowly chewing it. She took her cup and sat down next to me.

"Just okay?"

I nodded.

She put her head in her hands and looked at me. I looked back at her real wearily.

I kinda knew that my mom wanted to start a conversation. She hated seeing me like that. She didn't want me to feel as bad as my brother did. Mason wasn't able to go to school because of depression. It felt like "depression" always was the answer to all the questions I had.

"What's wrong with my brother?" - Depression.

"Why isn't he going to school?" - Depression.

"Why can't I do anything to help him?" - Depression.

It was always the same. It was not like my brother was depressed and sad all the time. In fact, I didn't know how to explain it. Some days he seemed happy on the outside but I was sure he felt like crap on the inside. I knew this feeling too well and I didn't have depression. I was just going through a tough time. That's what everyone was telling me. Just a "tough time". Period. Anyways, my mom wanted to talk but I didn't. I was simply not in the mood.

"You know I..." I cut her off.

"Mom. No. Please. I'm not feeling good. I don't want to talk. I just want this day to be over. This week to end. School to be done, forever. That's what I want, okay? I'm sorry."

Without actually having finished my breakfast I stood up and went up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. My mom was still sitting at the table, staring at thevflowers in front of her.

I said goodbye to my mother. I hugged her. She hugged me back. She said she loved me. I told her I loved her too. Then I sprinted to the bus because I knew it wouldn't wait for me all day long.

I took a seat in the front row. A girl I've never seen before sat next to me. Her blond hair was cut short. She looked like a sophomore. She looked kinda cute with her dimples and her pink lips. She was pale, though. But pretty. Really pretty. I smiled at her but instead of saying anything to her I just kept my mouth shut. I should have written something like "NO CONVERSATIONS!" on my forehead to let everyone know that I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Not that anyone would want to talk to me, anyway.

The girl didn't talk to me but neither did I. The school bus was on his way to jail aka school and I still didn't feel like going. If anyone should ever told me that the time they had in school was the best time of their life, I swear, I'd just rip out their throat. I didn't understand how anyone could call school "fun". Of course, if you had friends it could actually be nice but in my case it was just not true at all. I went there five freaking days a week. No, I suffered five days a week just do get a good education.

The bus pulled into the parking lot ten minutes later. Once it came to a stop people were literally running out of it. It was weird seeing all these kids smiling and talking to their friends. For some reason, I was jealous of them. Because their lives were probably way easier than mine will ever be.

I slowly got out of the bus and made my way through some couples that were kissing right in front of the school building. I got in and walked down the hallway to my classroom. I had math first period which totally sucked. Usually, everyone in my class was late for math as our teacher never cared. She didn't notice someone was missing. However, she'd realize it immediately if I wasn't there. My teacher hated me. She called me out all the time to ask me the weirdest question nobody could answer. I passed some people I've talked to before. People I've tried to make friends with as they seemed nice and fun to be with. It never worked out. Nobody liked me at this school. All these people didn't even look at me.

They just walked by. It sucked to be lonely.

Basically, it sucked to be me.