Stranger at My Door

CH 31: Ana

CH 31: Ana

It is the weekend and I am visiting my dad, Ray. We are at the lake, fishing, on a large rock; our fishing poles long ago forgotten. Thick blankets are forming a cocoon around us, and thermos full of Ray’s chicken soup warming our hands. Sawyer stands away from us to give us privacy but close enough to keep me within a safety radius.

“Her name is Christy.” I show dad a picture I have on my cell phone.

“She is beautiful, really cute.”

“She asked me if I am her mother.” My heart starts to accelerate as I remember her chubby little face expectant for an answer.

“How did you answer it?”

“I didn’t. I gave her a hug, a kiss in her forehead, and then we read a book. She is so young dad; how do I tell her mom preferred to die than stick around for her? ”

“What does your boyfriend says about it?”

“I did not tell him.” At his raised eyebrows, I continue. “I will, soon, but first I… Oh, dad, how do I know that I am ready? That I can be her mom.”

“Well, you are the only one that can answer that.” I do not say anything; dad is as taciturn as they come. I take a few more sips of the soup.

“There are many twenty-four year olds that are mothers.” He looks at me and as if he reads my mind adds, “good mothers, adoptive and otherwise.”

“How did you know you could be my dad?”

“When I held you for the first time,” he has a faraway look in his eyes, “it was amazing. I felt the world was perfect with you in my arms.” He smiles at me. “You were so little, sweet and trusting. I wanted to protect you from the world!” He hugs me; the hug is strong and protective. “I could not love you more if you shared my genes; my dear.”

I nod and smile. We finish our soup in silence and I curl against my dad.  “What if I turn out like her, like Carla?” I finally confess my deepest worries.

He turns himself around, and holds my face. “Carla made her decisions and you are not destined to follow them. Her mistakes are not genetic and it is not your destiny. You make your own choices and forge your own life.” It must be the longest speech has ever said to me.

“What if he gets bored of me and takes her away? What if I lose Christy and Christian?”

“What if you lose the opportunity to have them in your life because you are afraid? We do not know the future dear, but he would be an idiot if he does…”

“What if I am not good enough?”

“Those are feelings everyone has. Am I good enough to be a parent?” I stand up and fold the blankets. “You have to talk to Christian; to raise a child is a team effort.”

“I will. Come let’s go, it is getting cold.” As he gathers the fishing gear, I notice that his movements are slower and less sharp than usual – my dad is aging.

“Do you love him? Does he love you?” Dad is now walking step by step with me and Sawyer is not far behind.

“Yes… and he shows me he loves me every single moment we are together, so yes he does love me.” Dad slows to take a look at me.

“Does he take good care of you?”

I turn bright red, juts thinking how well Christian takes care of me. “Yes he does.”