muse

balancing bipolar

Muse,

Did you ever try to balance the lightswtich between on and off when you were little? Out of all the productive things I could have done, I had an inexplicable obession with trying to do exactly that. Now, years later, I have found this silly passtime coming back to haunt me in the most metaphorical way.

There was literally no middle ground when it came to that switch; it was on or it was off, but it was never just 'dim'. Never let you stop halfway. And there's something about human emotion- for me, anyway - that's exactly the same. I look up to you for a lot of reasons; all of them true, and all of them good. However, one of the best things about you is the control you have over your emotions (or maybe just how much they do or do not show). I wish, that like you, I could shut myself off to feeling, sometimes. However, there is no real quick disconnect for me, just two extremes that I switch between falling into, in a bipolar way. 

I want to be like you and not get attached to 'biological things', as you so eloquently put it. I want to be able to distance myself, sometimes, because it's easier than shutting down and plunging into my darker extreme. I want to be able to let go, and sort things out, and pull myself together. 

The first time I met you, you seemed so put together. Like you knew exactly what you were doing, where you were going, who you were... And I loved it. I love your certainty, even if it was only ever perceived, because it's nice to believe someone's good at everything I'm not. Is it so bad to love the idea of a perfect person? Maybe, but I love it anyway.

I love you, anyway.

Carrillo.