And God says

And God says (documenting my hospital stay)

though I have no right to, I get surly with my doctors, short-tempered with the people whose job it is to keep me comfortable. I rail against a diagnosis I don't want to hear: I refuse to accept it, knowing that my refusal won't change a thing, that my opinion in this context counts for nothing. I think, childishly, that if I don't believe it, it won't come true, as if the truth of this thing were predicated on my belief in it.

I pull the curtains closed to create a small enclave around my hospital bed and, as quietly as I can, I cry into my pillow. I know that I don't have much time to do this: the nurses come around every 2 hours to give my shots of dilaudid and to change my IV bags. I have to be brief and I have to be discreet. I don't want to attract any attention for this: I don't want their concern and I don't want to answer their questions. I allow myself ten minutes for this - only ten - and after it's over, I can't say what I was crying for.

I didn't sleep much in the hospital. Most nights, I wanted nothing more but 2 sit out in front of the hospital where it's was cool, but at least I would have been out in the air. I lug my IV pole with me and sit near the window looking @ the benches outside in the dark 4 ages, and everything seemed more vivid - the stars were brighter and more defined, the air seemed sharper, I could literally smell the dying leaves dusty and distinct. I don't remember noticing that b4 and I think that is the will 2 live but maybe it's just the narcotics.(Actually I always been in tune with that type of stuff)

It's freezing in my room and I'm only wearing hospital pyjamas ( you know damn well my entire ass was out. ( I'm laughing out loud but this was so not funny ) but my blankets were warm and anyway, it feels good to be in a bed that actually messages my body, vibrates and has the ability to move in three locations. It's great 2 know that I can still feel something.

I look at the stars and try not to think about what might be coming next. I think again about someone I love and I worry about him for a while.(My noodles, my son) 4 the first time in years, I pray.( I mean pray Hard.) When the pain overtakes me, and it does, often, I have 2 steal myself 2 get up and go inside ( a peaceful place in my head, yep!) but first I sit and say the same thing, mindlessly, over and over again "Please, please make it stop."

Is this praying? I'm not sure. If it is, I don't know who I was talking to.(Lol, shaking. my. head). I am not screaming ( from indescribable pain), which is a good thang. "Please God", I remember saying, "I can take anything except the sharp ongoing pain the continues." But now I am doubled over and breathless and I had become nothing more than pain and once again I found myself saying "Please, please make it stop."But God said "that's all you'll get." I tried 2 b content with it.

I remember b'n cowardly and saying I am not brave!, I want this 2 stop. My wife came 2 C me, although I try 2 keep her away.( Just because I know there is nothing she cud n it can be stressful seeing ya bookie pale, n lifeless) I didn't want anybody 2 C me like this (that). I seen the shock on her face so plainly, I c that by the time she gets in2 the doorway 2 leave, she is already crying inside. marvel @ how strong the urge 2 stay alive is, even though that life is not one anybody would choose if they were given a choice. What frightens me most is that I couldn't laugh anymore.

I felt hollow and that scared/s me so I blamed it on the drugs.(Sad but true) I had/have perfected the art of crying silently and I can lay in my bed in the dark and weep w/o making a sound, the tears falling from the corners of my eyes until my ears are flooded and my throat is burning. This time is best spent in accounting, I think and although I tried 2 keep myself from it, I cannot help but grieve for the love that I have squandered and 4 the hurts I have caused and likely now will never be able to remedy. Keeping my mind blank was/is an exhausting exercise but it's important I do it lest I fall apart completely. I am careful not 2 show my fear 2 anyone though how they can fail 2 c it is beyond me.

I am not brave but I am adept at pretending I am. I think about years past all the hurt and heartache some of them held 4 me. My mind drifted again 2 past mistakes and regrets. I think about the resolutions vaguely made that one day I would put things right, that I would atone 4 the wrongs I caused and remembered that I made that vow when I assumed I would have nothing but time. When I ignored the promptings of my conscience b/c it was too hard or it would take something away 4m me that I didn't want 2 b parted 4m, even though everything was screaming@ me that indulging myself was wrong and that I would pay dearly 4 it.

Perhaps I lacked courage or my selfishness outweighed it, but there were many opportunities to step away and do the right thing and I recall how I turned my face 2wards the path of least resistance b/c it accorded wit my whims. And I sat in the frigid air of the hospital alone wit my regrets, I wished that I had 1 more chance - I swore I would use it wisely, I promised that I would listen 2 the promptings of my conscience. I threw it up 2 the sky and waited 4 an answer.( All that N I am a hell of a good person n will apologize when I'm wrong n admit 2 my faults.) But God said "Maybe not."I got angry and felt cheated. (Just was weak 4m the pain, Allah/God is great! I dnt take lightly 2 b'n one that may have been chosen 2 suffer If I cud I would bare the pain of the world anyone who knows me knows I hate - Hate 2 c ppl in pain indeed)

I convinced myself that I have great things ahead of me, that it is fair and I do deserve this. But the truth is, and I know it deep down, that if there were greatness in me, it would have become evident before now, and all I have a small life that's not disregarded n that probably 2 many people would miss.(Can't feel sorry 4 myself,just gotta deal wit it cuz as Tykisha would say I have Strength out of this world baby)

I wonder if I will b mourned and by whom if I were 2 just give in 2 the pain dis illness and can come up with only a handful of people that adore n love me unconditionally but many who wouldn't -and as soon as that mourn just b/c they knew of me. ( But it suddenly didn't matter any more.) thoughts swirls in2 my brain, I have 2 clamp it down because there is nothing 2 b gained by it. I want 2 hold on 2 someone who loves me ( the Chew-my wife) and realized that she wouldn't b coming b/c of work n putting up wit our boi. There wasn't any other name I could come up wit the I would Have mind 2 c but who felt the same? I felt stuck. This was my own fault, all my own doing.

I had kept myself apart 4 years and I cannot claim surprise that I found myself alone. And God says "I told you so." If there r phases of grief I have jumbled them, 4 I bargain, deny, rage and was resigned all in the space of an hour. But acceptance is/was still beyond me. I am promising to change, to take chances, 2 do no harm. I have been face to face wit my own mortality before, but never to this extent and I am/was frightened. If only, I pray, if only I am reprieved, I will change. I will not squander love, I will conform 2 my highest ideals. I will treasure every day and cultivate the love of those who care for me.( No I'm not dying... Well who knows but I never had such a horrible sickle cell crisis) And God says "Will you really?"

I was being sent home soon: there is nothing else that they can do 4 me now. A nurse came by and checked on me and I saw the doctors daily. I would rather be at home,(I kept thinking) though I hate dis dependency. I convince myself that it was a good sign, that I would b going home is hopeful !

- that surely they would not send me home if I weren't on 2 road 2 recovery.

I believe this even though the doctors do not speak in terms of cure, but only talk about "keeping me comfortable". Still, I stubbornly clinged 2 the idea that I was going home 2 get better, that after a few weeks or a months, I will be as good as new.

And God said "But what if you're wrong?" I wondered if it is better 2 just acquiesce and let go or 2 keep on struggling. It's hard 2 say and the narcotics make reasoning difficult. ( they ease the pain,just a little.. Enough 2 motivate me 2 want to move when it hurts)

I was tired and scared.

I keep asking am I not brave?... Thinking maybe if I could sleep for a bit, things will become clearer. Maybe I'll be better in a week or so, perhaps the doctor will have good news for me when I seen them next time. And God says "We'll see."