Forgetting Logic | Book One

10

Important A\N✨ plus short chapter.

Nothing felt like how it was supposed to feel.

Real.

I fucked up. I gave into his temptation and he got a hold of my body. What a pleasurable state to be in. He told me that he was in love with me.

Most of the night seemed like a blur of colors that smashed into each other. I laid there as the night washed over into day and listened to Thomas's light snores. His bare chest lifted up and down slowly. I traced his tattoo with my index finger. It was a unfinished rose with a pen attempting to draw the rest. I loved how bright the red appeared to be by first glance. 

I twisted my head a little to look at my own tattoo on my wrist; "Damaged" it read in black cursive ink.  I let my wrist back down slowly on the bed and sighed looking up at the ceiling. I knew that we weren't meant to be together but it was nice to fantasize that maybe we could bend the rules.

We both decided to ignore that our tattoos didn't even remotely look similar to each other back in high school. Yet everyone kept yelling at us to go find our soulmates and life partners. I could never wrap my mind around the fact that somehow, someway the person I was supposed to spend my life with was already chosen by someone who doesn't even know me. How was I supposed to fall in love with someone that I don't even know?

Back then Thomas and I weren't in love but we knew each other like we knew our own minds. How were we supposed to throw away what we had for something that potentially wouldn't happen?

I've heard so many stories of people never finding their soulmates. They write them every single day without a response in sight and they dedicate their lives to do this. To find someone that doesn't exist. 

I don't wanna live my life like that.

Waiting for a fucking fantasy.

"Why are you up so early?" The bed shifted around as Thomas scooted closer to me and placed his leg over mine under the covers.

I kept my eyes to the ceiling. "Thinking."

"About?"

"How foolish are we to believe that maybe we could bend the rules of soulmates?"

Thomas unraveled himself from around me and sat up in the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair before pulling it slightly. "Ugh. Alex why do you do this?"

"Do what?"

"Every fucking time we get to a good place you always find a way to ruin it or to doubt the fact that just maybe we were meant to be together."

Now it was my turn to sit up. I twisted my body to fully face Thomas. "What do you expect me to do Thomas. The odds have not exactly been in our favor these last few years. Do you realize how much we've been through! How many times we've almost killed each other. Face it Thomas even if our tattoos did match we still wouldn't have made it together!"

"So what Alexander!" He grabbed my hands. "So fucking what if we're not soulmates. Fuck that shit and whoever made it up. NO TATTOO DETERMINES IF I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU OR NOT! DAMMIT ALEXANDER HAMILTON I LOVE YOU. WHEN WILL YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, I'VE LOVED YOU SINCE THE DAY I FIRST MET YOU WHILE I WAS SMOKING IN THE HALLWAY. YOU SAVED ME FROM GOING ON A DOWNWARD SPIRAL AFTER MY MOTHER PASSED. YOU WERE THE REASON WHY I KEPT TAKING THAT FUCKING MEDICATION. I WANTED TO STAY SANE FOR YOU! All I ever wanted was you."

All I ever wanted was to feel.

Feel like he did.

Nothing felt like how it was suppose to.

Time.

Pain.

Love.

Happiness.

Remorse.

The heat of the sun.

The rain on my skin.

His heartbeat threw my finger tips.

None of it.

  There's no comfort in silence
No real violence in words.

How can I sit here and tell this man that I love him after what he did to me. I know it's childish of me not to forgive him when he confessed his love for me and almost killed himself. I refuse to let him go again. But I can't bring myself to say those three words he desperately craves. Nowhere am I mentally able to do that.  

I can't love you, not yet.

"I am a being that was shattered and I am still picking up the pieces of myself. As I do, I realize that I have never opened up my heart to someone after the incident. I was too careless and threw it away. I don't know how to love someone romantically. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to love at all. With all my heart all I can say is I'm so sorry that I can not reciprocate the same feelings you have for me towards you. Thomas, I don't love you. But God is there something about you.  Baby boy you are a drug I can't help but to relapse from. You ruin me so well and It feels so good."

I got up and dismissed myself from the bedroom. On my way out the door Thomas grabbed my arm making me stop. He spun me around towards him. My God his eyes sprinkled mine with a bit of hopefulness and pride. I never understood how he could make me feel so good and fucked up all at the same time.

"Stay." His voice was throaty as if were on the verge of tears.

"but-"

"I don't care. I know I fucked up and I'm going to continuously apologize for that. Alexander you may not love me but I'm not giving up.I know that all of this is happening for a reason and I refuse to believe that this is just for you to walk away. I'll wait forever if I have to but something in my heart is telling me that you love me. That you're scared. Scared that I'll break your heart again, scared that I'll leave you, scared that I'll let someone else hurt you again."

Water at the brim of Thomas's eyes I stared at him in silence. Never have I felt so transparent than I do right now. As if he stole my heart and read the instruction manual on how to capture it.

I'm not ready to fall in love with him again.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

The 10 of chapters is now complete.

Don't be disappointed but Im not gonna update as frequently as I have been. Just because Im making the chapters longer with more detail and The Hamilsquad is making some MAJOR appearances in the book from here on.

I just want to make the best book and experience I can for you.

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I love you all so much💕,

Dymond