Often times we walk amongst people pretending to be live the ideal life. But continuously being broken down day by day, without anyone reaching out to see what's going on, we use to believe that when people are down and they're teens that it's just a faze and pass. When in actuality it's not, they're genuinely sad, depressed, sducidal, and having anxiety. They out look the cry for help, the cry for guidance, the cry for just a comforting voice. And yet it goes unnoticed till they decide it's time for them to take their final..............breath.
It's at that moment where people realize that they should have been there for the person. Once it's too late everyone quick to claim that they been there from the very start and how they shared all these great and luxurious memories. They were really the ones contributing to the sadness and depression that the person feels, all the pain and sorrows that they caused to the person. It took then to leave forever for people appreciate them and show them respect.
Sad isn't it, people don't care till it's literally too late till it's no longer possible to talk to them and make a change for good but instead people continue with own self conformity and not a slightest of wanting to do better. I use to think that loving someone was be all end all of happiness but slowly and maturity I saw that often the things we love become the very reason we're afraid to open up and love. The happiest usually fades and they start to become the very thing you hate the most.
We start to lost ourselves living for the one we're best living without. But no matter what we do to leave we can't because the hell bent up feeling that have you chained up like if you were a prisoner sentenced life. As if our own heart has forever bounded us with no sight of breaking it's hold at all, it's not till we been beaten, broken down, and told we're meant nothing for them chains to loosen its hold on us. Why must it get to that? Why must it take breaking a person for things to smoothen out, to take the high road, to finally act right, and the person to get what they been craving the whole time.
Maybe it's the way the generation changed. Once sex became easier love became hard to find. Lying started to happen more than truth, trust issues started to be on its raise. We were all once free, free from worries and stress but now we're so closed off and isolated that no matter how close of a friend or in a relationship with a person you'd know close to nothing besides less then the basics. Ask yourself this, do you know were they like to escape to whenever things hit the fan and feel lost? Do you know what makes them question creation and reality? Point being stop wanting to be with a person for the pictures sex videos together and wanting to be put on a "jawn" you can't be put on because you both would start your relationship based off a few "lit" conversations.
When it comes down to it people are afraid, afraid to be alone. They live with what they have and when they lose it they consistently look for that that person so they don't feel alone. It's not wrong we are humans we're socially dependent, but it's no reason to rush to have a person or have the things to do with them and have their presence. I hope everyone who wants happiness gets the things they're looking for, there's too much sadness in the world sounds funny coming from me isn't, since I'm apart of the sadness. Lately I've been lost in my own mind of sadness and not knowing the real me, don't know what it is to genuinely smile or have a good time with out pretending to.
I've became the very thing I didn't want to be, I'm the downer within the people i "hang" with. They probably hate me and want nothing to do with me. I'm such a burden that isn't needed nor wanted, I push people away when I need the closest. I'm bad at reaching out I'm bad compromising but it's all within reason. The things that have been done to me shouldn't and the way I'm treated is terrible and to be quite frank I'm getting sick of faking my emotions for people who can't see what they're causing, even when they do know and are aware they do nothing to change what's going on. They continue as if nothing is going on, it's sickening.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can deal with this I'm losing whatever I have left of me , I can't even pretend to be happy anymore. I'm gone I'm no longer here anymore, most of the things that brought me complete happiness doesn't even put a genuine smile on my face anymore. It's honestly crazy , wish I could have just disappeared everyone just fake, fake love, fake support, fake care, just fake everything. I just want it all to end tired of goring things. Tired completely just of it all and I already lost my care to feel anything now I'll just lose feelings and isolate myself. Stay to myself and just not associate with anyone just completely go ghost.
I've tried to end it , took pills, cut myself, and starve myself. Only thing left to do is to jump off a building high enough to make nothing left, I don't want to continue living a life that I'm not happy in. I've been trying so hard. I had many chances because "there's so much to look forward to" but I'm starting not to believe that, what is anything worth living for at this point I just want to die and everything time i stopped I'm not meant to live I don't deserve the life I live now, I want to take my final breath and just disappear in to nothingness.
I'm beginning to believe that I'm not worth it to anyone nor does anyone cares. I'm not contemplating life I've accepted that fact I want to die and the time will come soon I wish for I'd give anything. I don't care what people say anymore I'm done I'm over it there's no reason from me to even try to continue my life the way it is, and honestly once i leave high school I will die alone and the few people who'd be able to read would have been responsible for my death. The very moment I'm gone i won't care what happens to them even though I wouldn't be able to.
It must be addressed that this is my story that lead to the end of my life, while in the process of making this things that are pushing me to the edge is now pushing me to my breaking point. When I finally snap maybe then I'll find true happiness and be free. Staying where i am and with the people im with nothing will make me happy, I've never felt so broken before in my life and no one is taking notice to what going on with me they're just worried about they're own self. Maybe I'm selfish to many because of wanting to kill my self but in reality can they survive the same horror I had and not finally break.
I use to believe that love lasted longer than anything I could have imagined but as the days go by I losing the belief in that. I use to preach up and down that there's someone worth it someone worth it all but no it's not the cases anymore. It's more of a here for a moment than forever, it's like people are too afraid to be true to themselves because of how they'd be viewed by others when in the end it won't matter nothing will matter. Move on and do for yourself and not others because 9/10 they couldn't care less about you.
Now that things picked up the way they did things aren't how they should be, I'm not how I should be, the worlds collapsing into millions of pieces with no sight of getting better and it's getting worse. I'm trying to have better days and it's not working been months of trying with no results and things are getting worse day by day. It's getting harder to stay positive about things and to open up. Beginning not to feel anything again, I'm not fighting the feeling either there's no need, why fight for things when you can just accept it for what it is. I don't regret anything I've done and I won't ever I'm done being apologetic for things that not worth the waste of breath if the things I do doesn't make a necessary change.
