Dear Cupid

Him and His Lies

Waking up after my terrible birthday, I felt horrible. I had tearstained cheeks and puffy eyes. I look terrible but it didn't compare to the emptiness I felt in my heart. To the void that couldn't be filled that it had at the moment.

Ethan was gone for good.

I had finally pushed him away for good.

But I didn't know what to feel now. Was I supposed to feel good? Elated? Happy? Should I be ecstatic that I've finally found closure with him? Or could that outburst be considered closure? Should I be excited because finally I've made a move to move on emotionally from him? I lashed out all of my bottled up feelings but was that the right choice? Should I have kept it in? Let me bask in the happiness my birthday was supposed to bring?

For all the things that happened last night, only one thing was sure. I wasn't certain if I had made the right choices last night. But there was nothing I could do now. He was gone and our paths would never cross again. He has his own life to live and so have I.

It didn't matter that I am still hurting.  

It didn't matter that I am still hoping in the depths of my heart that maybe, just maybe we could go back in time and fix things.

It didn't matter that even until now.

I was still hopelessly in love with him.

Not of it matters anymore.

He was gone and I could never get him back.

Pulling the quilt over my head, I close my eyes and try to block out everything. I want to stop feeling. I want to become numb of the pain I'm feeling. I've had enough of it all. I've finally told him everything I've felt after three long years. The only thing I have to do now is to find a way to finally get over him.

Maybe numbing my feelings won't do me good. 

Maybe acting like I'm completely fine was no better.

Maybe killing my emotions wasn't for the best.

But what can I do?

He's gone and I can't possibly have him back.

I also can't let the pain consume me.

For the past three years that was what was going on and looked at me now.

I'm still suffering for it all.

I'll just have to deal with it though. I know of the consequences of my actions. I'm well aware of it thanks to my Major in Uni. I'm a Psychology student so I know the repercussions of my actions. 

Still it only made thing seem so worse for me.

I was destroying myself psychologically for love.

For him

I'm such a hopeless case.

But there was nothing I could do.

I couldn't deny my feelings for him.

I can't ignore the truth.