Letters to You

⟨1⟩

May 11, 2017

How special can a single person make one feel? People constantly make me happy, constantly please me with their overall personality, but I've never been completely happy before. Not for a while, at least. There's a special person we all have that makes us feel special, though you might not see it yet. It's a special thing to have. Mine? I have mine. He's a person I hold dearly and has helped me through so many things, and only continues to do so. His goal is to make me happy, make me feel at home. I struggle with anxiety and a borderline personality disorder. I have trouble trusting people, and letting people inside of my walls. I didn't mean for anyone to get inside of those walls, with the fear of hurting someone with my own thoughts and actions. I have hurt myself before, but not in a while. Not since last year. I try to not do it anymore, by distracting myself in the company of others. But like every girl, we have that one time of the month. During that time, I isolate myself, drag myself away from others because I get mad so easily, easier than I usually do. A simple mistake could drive me into a rage. I don't want to hurt anyone, or make anyone mad. I also get extremely bored of talking, and cannot physically use my voice in the sense that people want me to. I force myself to talk, but even when I do that, I don't talk much. Then again, I usually don't talk much to begin with, but things are changing in my life so fast. I've been trapped in unstable relationships for the past ongoing year until now, and I've never felt so happy in a while, and I cried from happiness for the first time, ever. Laughter, that's one thing. But I've never cried from happiness. I don't know where I would be if he didn't ask me a simple question on that day, the day we started talking again after a year. We've known each other for a year, yes, but we never got so close. We knew of each other but I was too scared in my trapped relationship at the time to generally even look in any other guys direction in fear of being hurt by my partner. This triggered my anxiety, and it's slowly going away as me and my new partner work on myself and us in general. It's amazing to know someone could care, care so much about someone else. We are both the type of people to light ourselves on fire to keep others warm, and that's not a bad thing all the time. About my health, I don't have complete control over it all the time. But I guess in a way, I've been intentionally preventing myself from keeping in the best of shape. I know it doesn't make sense, if you know there's a way to make yourself a better person mentally and physically, why not go for it? But I'm constantly at war with myself in my head. I feel as if I'm a burden to everyone and everything within my general area. I suppose I've learned to dislike myself to the point where I purposely neglect my well being. I used to deliberately skip meals, not anymore though, I've been getting better. I am a threat to everyone and myself when I am alone with my thoughts, which is why I require and love the company of others so much. It was so frequently I'd think: wouldn't it be better if I just disappeared? But then I met a boy, I don't know how he liked me at first, I don't even know if he liked me at first, but he hung around me anyways. When I first met him, it seemed as if he didn't want anything to do with me, as if I was just a burden to him as well like every other person, but there was something about him I couldn't let go of. He found out I hadn't been in the best of shape and was struggling with school and my health, so he had forced me and motivated me to go on. He even helped me with homework and subjects I had trouble comprehending. It's quite funny how he went through so much just to better a girl he had just met on a personal level. That's when I thought; if someone I had just started talking to could care about me so much, maybe I should care about myself too. That despite the way I am, maybe I'm a little more than what I think I'm worth. I still have my episodes of depressing episodes, but it's  been happening a lot less. I see the bright side of things now, I know there's a hope for me to be happy. I see it all, I've never been so happy in a while.

And it feels amazing.