The Healing Process

Bleeding

I Am

I am a cage
Inside is fear
Depression
Anxiety
They are trapped
Inside me
It is not I
Who is trapped
Inside them

They came in
Locked the door
Threw away the key
And made themselves at home

I am a reluctant host
To a party for
Fear
Depression
And anxiety
And I want this party
To be

Over

Scream for Help

It's 1:30am and I'm crying for no other reason than I'm dying
or the lack thereof.
You see it was 12am when I realized that all night long I'd be terrorized by my own mind because I forgot to get my medication from my parents and i couldn't wake them up.
It was 1am when all I could think about was ending my life.
Now I'm writing this in hopes that it doesn't become a suicide note and the only thing stopping me from hurting myself is the lack of supplies and my depression anchoring me to my bed.
My fear of sleeping is keeping me awake and the sound of the little vacuum going is keeping me from going insane.
I'm so close to getting down and burning my arm with a hair straightener or poking little holes in my leg with a push pin.
I don't think I'd ever kill myself because I don't have the courage and I love my depression too much to ever leave it so here I am too sad too get better and too content to die.
Now don't mistake me being content with me being happy cause I can assure you I am not happy and if I was happy it would be sad and that's an oxymoron or maybe I'm the moron, who knows, but let me just say that I am scared to be anything but what I am right now and what I am is miserable but don't be mistaken by thinking I don't want to be happy. I want to be happy but I don't want to not be sad because sad is all I know.
I'm not suicidal enough to call the Suicide Hotline so I'm calling out for help but the sun and earth and all of her children are asleep and my cries are heard only by the man on the moon and he is too far away to hear me in time and sound can only travel so fast and maybe what you're hearing right now isn't me because maybe I'm like a burnt out star and although the star is dead it's light still shines so maybe although I'm dead my voice still echoes in your brain and if that's true I'm sorry.
I screamed this cry for help instead of writing a suicide note but my screams were silenced by a blanket of possibly dead stars and my tears wiped up by my own shaking hand.
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest trying so hard to keep me alive as I will it to stop and assure it I won't be mad but it presses on and the hours tick away and now it's 2am and I've been laying here bathing in my sadness for 2 hours but I'm afraid to get out, afraid that if I get out of bed there won't be a me alive in the morning and afraid that if I fall asleep there will be a me alive in the morning so I'll just lay here with anxiety as the pillow I rest my head on and depression as a deathbed that I gladly climb into hoping for tomorrow to never come and for today to be over.

A Little Lie

I'll just smile
And say I'm happy
A little lie
Never killed anyone

I'll just cry
And say I'm fine
It's not like
They really care

I'll slice my wrists
And say it was the cat
Just one more lie
I deserve the pain

I'll take the pills
And never wake up
A little lie
Is what killed me

Maybe

Maybe one day
I won't wake up
Maybe one day
I'll be free
Maybe one day
It will be over
Maybe one day
You'll understand
That maybe one day
You should have said
"Good job"
instead of
"Do better"

Depression and Anxiety

Depression and Anxiety
Are the extras
In the movie: my Life
But happiness and hope
Took the week off.