blind // phan

one

Phil //

Colours barely even exist in my mind anymore. Same with shapes; I know what they are but they're slowly fading away. I have an idea of what the average human body looks like, I know what shapes triangles, squares, rectangles, etc, are. But, it's hard to remember sometimes. That's why my mum bought me building blocks yesterday, so I could feel them and remember what they look like.

I use scent and touch as my eyes. Being blind is getting harder, yet, easier at the same time. Its easy to walk around places I'm familiar with, but put me somewhere new, and I'll have a meltdown most likely. Well, that is if someone leaves me stranded.

It's just hard; remembering what everything looked like since I was three is extremely difficult. I don't really even recall what people look like anymore. Sure, I've been blind a long time, but I would rather have been blind as soon as I was born. I guess that I did have the possibility to see life and having that taken away just makes me upset all the time.

But now I'm almost twenty-five. I have my own flat, but my mum comes everyday to help me. When I first moved it was hard, I was in an unfamiliar place. And that terrifies me. But with getting the flat, I was okay with it at the same time because no one was judging me.

I got this flat when I was nineteen. My mum always wanted me to wait until I was twenty or twenty one. But I reassured her that the earlier the better I'll be.

Whenever I wanted to go out, all I had to do was push a button, and my mum would be there. And this time, I was heading to Starbucks.

My mum helped me find my seat and got my coffee for me, but after that she went to do her own thing until I was done. Which that I'm okay with. Because I was sitting. Because no one bullies people at a coffee shop at five in the afternoon.

But people can talk to you. And that's what started to happen.

"Um, e-excuse me.." I heard as I felt a slight poke on the shoulder. I turned slightly, but didn't try to make it look like I could see them. "Yes?" I said. I could tell they were standing close to me. I could smell their body wash. Coconuts. Roasted almost. It was lovely. "I was.. uh, w-wondering if I c-could sit here a-and talk w-with y-you.." he stuttered out. I almost felt bad for the boy. He seemed scared. "Of course." I said, I was hoping that me being friendly would help him maybe.

I heard him pull out a chair and sat down. He was breathing a little heavily, but started talking again. "I know t-this seems w-weird, a-and I'm n-not trying to g-get p-pity or anything. But, my th-therapist w-wants me t-talking to p-people I don't kn-know." I sat and thought, maybe this kid has some sort of anxiety. Probably social. "Anxiety?" I asked, and he let out a very quiet yes. Then once again spoke up. "I've gotten b-better. I d-don't stutter a-around p-people I'm f-friends with a-anymore. I j-just hate when p-people look at m-me.. I k-know they're j-judging h-how I l-look." The last part he spoke quietly. But obviously I could hear what he was saying. "Well, let me tell you. Don't be feeling like I'm judging you. I can't see you, I can only use touch and scent as my eyes. I used to have sight, but lost that at the age of three. So I could never judge you." I told him. Normally I don't tell people I'm blind in a nice way. Normally it's because people get mad when I don't look at them when they're talking, or they nod and I didn't know it.

It was sort of silent, but the boy spoke up. "I'm s-sorry to h-hear.." I could hear the tone of voice he was using. Normally, people annoy me when they genuinely sound sad. But not this time. "Nah, it's fine. Sure I get upset sometimes, but there isn't anything I can do." I told him.

It was silent, but I could hear him shifting as if he were uncomfortable. I sighed, people always seemed uncomfortable with me. I hated it, but I understood. "Its k-kinda funny.." he randomly spoke up. "What?" I asked. I heard him shift again. "I've b-been afraid of t-talking all th-the time, b-because it seems as if e-everyone judges m-me. But I d-don't f-feel like I'm b-being judged right now." The boy said. I smiled. "Well I'm glad I don't make you feel that way. And I would never judge, I mean, I'm blind, what can I judge?" I said with a laugh, he laughed some too. It honestly was amazing to hear.

I then heard the cafe door open, heels clicking the hardwood flooring. Or at least that's what kind of floor I thought it was. It's wood I guess? I don't really know. But I then heard my mum, "Hey sweetheart- oh who is this?" she asked. I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn't really even know who this guy is. He is sweet, but I don't know his name or age. "M-my name is D-Dan, Dan H-Howell, its n-nice to m-meet y-you.." the boy spoke up. I smiled at his name. It suited him.  "Oh, well Dan, it is very nice to meet you. Phil and I have to go now, but thank you for keeping him company." my mum said as she grabbed my arm to help me up. Yeah, I know I am old enough to do this myself but its comforting when someone helps me along the way. I felt another arm grab onto mine. It was sorta small, but definitely not for a boy. "Here, I k-know you c-cant really r-read it, but have your mum p-put it into h-her ph-phone." Dan said to me, I took the piece a paper he put in my hand and held it tight. 

Never letting that go.