On The Edge of Invisible.

Chapter 5 • almost acquaintances

Grace

My head was almost as foggy as the world as I woke up slowly, trying to recognize my surroundings. There was a plush, white comforter around me and-

Matthew?

I looked at his gently closed eyes, his lightly tanned skin, and wondered how such a beautiful boy had died. Did he die in a car crash? Or maybe he got shot in a supermarket. Or maybe he had died from cancer just like me..

The thought gave me chills. To see someone so peaceful in the same bed as me, dying, just like I did. I took in a deep breath, still getting used to the full feeling in my lungs. For as long as I could remember it was hard for me to breathe, but now it was easier.

Simple.

Everything seemed simple, and I didn't know if I liked it. It seemed as if this was just another test, to see much we could take for granted before we were thrown into another frying pan.

Glancing back at Matt's closed eyes I imagined the dark brown staring back. I wanted to know his dreams, his hopes, more about his family. I wanted to know how many girlfriends he had; just out of curiosity..

Ghosts can't fall in love. That ship has sailed for me, I lost my chance 3 years ago when the monster took the wheel. I had always dreamed of my husband, being funny and nice, carrying me to the car, and kissing me passionately under the stars. But no, all I got was a nice oxygen mask creating a fine barrier between me and boys. My mom said it was just because I never put myself out there, but I'm almost certain it was that darn mask shooing them away. I swear the thing was it's own kind of birth control.

As if someone would have dared make a baby with a walking cancer cell in the first place.

The tears floated in my eyes as the names echoed through my head. Sure some people were nice to me, but I guess you could say my Georgia high school wasn't exactly full of peace prize winners. If only I could see what they were doing now that that girl with cancer finally died. Were they sad? Or glad it was over?

As if it was their problem.. It's hard enough to trust people that give you no reasons to, than to let them pretend your own problems affected their own lives more than it did yours. That's straight bull.

The tears were streaming out now as I sobbed quietly, trying not to wake Matt up. But as always, I was unsuccessful.

"Hey, Grace, are you okay?"

I was anything but okay but I was also nowhere near ready to start sharing my deepest, darkest secrets with a stranger.

"I'm fine."

"You cry too much to be fine Grace."

I bit my lip to stop another wave of tears from falling as Matthew took a deep, precious breath and spoke again, "I get it, why tell some teenage dirtbag all about your life, why would he care, why would he want to help, he's just a stranger."

I was quiet for only a moment before letting out a small sob, I lost control. I felt Matthew's arm slide around my waist and pull me closer. I could feel the warmth of his strong body against mine. My tears became softer as he spoke again, "But he does care because he knows what it feels like to be alone, and he does want to know because he does want to help because he knows how hard it is to ask for it."

I listened as a few more tears fell. I was quiet for a while. I couldn't let my guard down. Not this quickly, not this nonchalantly.

"My favorite color is purple."

Matt was quiet but caught on quickly, "Mine is green."

"I like watching baseball."

"I like playing baseball."

We both laughed a little but I kept going, "I like cows."

Matt laughed quietly, "You realize you sound crazy? Cows?"

"What? Their eyes are really pretty!"

He burst out laughing and I hit him playfully.

"Stop it, Matt!"

He looked into my eyes and he almost immediately stopped laughing. For a second I got lost in his eyes, almost as if I were in some kind of trance. I quickly looked away and I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks. Matthew did the same but changed the subject quickly,

"I like hyenas."

I bit back laughter as I spoke, "I like the ocean."

"I like fishing in the ocean."

I felt my stomach flip for some unknown reason. I had always dreamed of the ocean, and fishing in it.

"What? Oh my gosh I'm so jealous, I always wanted to do that!"

He laughed, "Its so much fun! But c'mon, you're not even going to acknowledge that I like hyenas?"

"What?"

"Never mind." He smiled cheekily and for the first time I felt like it was completely there.

"Noooo no no, why is liking hyenas weird?"

"I don't know, the same reason liking cows is weird.. No one does!"

"Since when did not liking what other people like make you weird?"

He sighed, "Since forever."

I didn't feel the need to respond, he was right. In a way, I felt like in that simple sentence, he had shared more with me than he had the whole time I'd known him. A bit of his past had shown through. I couldn't imagine a time when people accepted each other for who they were.. I'm sure no one can.

I glanced over and frowned, "Smile again."

He laughed softly, "What? Why?"

I waited a moment, trying to choose my words carefully. "I don't know.. I just like it better when you're smiling."

Smooth Grace. Real Smooth.

"Well, I'll smile if you smile."

I smiled slightly at his comment but he frowned back, "Grace, smile, like an actual smile."

He poked his fingers into my cheeks and pushed them up creating a 'smile' on my face. I couldn't help but let a laugh slip out and Matt smirked, satisfied.

"There you go, beautiful."

At first I laughed at the comment until it completely registered.

"What?"

Matt smiled, "What?"

My eyes met his and for the first time in all my life I felt like I could finally trust someone. Not someone who would say I was fine just to shove my pills down my throat. Not someone who said they'd always be there, but only because they had to be. Someone who didn't see me as a cancer patient, someone who was laughing with me, the real me that had been hiding behind a frail body for so long.

I broke eye contact as the words rolled off my tongue, "I never used to cry."

His eyes softly grew serious, and he spoke gently in a tone that was deep, raw, and truthful, as if it was something he had never told anyone ever before.

"I used to cry every night."