On The Edge of Invisible.

Chapter 10 • almost unraveled

Matthew

I followed closely behind Grace as she weaved through the city. The walk was long, but my legs never got tired.

Grace moved fast and I tried to keep up with her. A left turn here, a right turn there, I thought we'd never get there. I even thought for a little while that we were lost and Grace was too ashamed, too emotional, to admit it.

It reminded me of myself. I was lost, I couldn't find my way, I was taking left turns where I should have taken right turns and making U-turns when I should have just gone straight. My life had become one giant mess of tangles and knots. It felt like yarn after a kitten had got done playing with it. Too tangled to unravel. Even if it could have been undone, I had doubted anyone would have taken the time to untangle it. At least not for me.

But then I met Grace. A beaming ray of hope, she was there for me, and listened to me. She made me want to live again, just so I could fix my life, to be with her, to kiss her, to hold her and thank her for opening my eyes. But I had missed my chance., I couldn't live again.

I had made a terrible mistake.

• flashback •

I sat at my desk, quietly, my eyes flickering from the teacher, to the clock, to the door, and back to the clock again. Less than a minute before this day was over, or at least this portion of it. My life has become a ladder on a slide, to which I would climb each rung, slowly working my way through the day, passing through a strategic series of events until I reached the top, and slid back down to where I started, waking up to yet another day worth living; at least that's what I kept telling myself.

I picked nervously at my fingers as the minute hand slowed almost to a halt before ticking past the 12, ringing the bell like it had spent its entire life breathing for that moment. Though it was was an inanimate object, and those moments didn't exist, I still found myself rooting the little hand on, on the inside of course.

That was another thing about my life, I was living on a pedestal in my mind, an inner battle in which one wrong step, one wrong choice, or even one wrong word said, could send me teetering off the edge. Sometimes I swore I had already lost my balance and was falling deep into whatever was on the other side of life, but life was too short to think that way; at least that was what I kept telling myself.

I stood up, along with my bag and packed up quickly;

nervously.

Pulling my backpack over my shoulder I sighed in relief as I walked out of the classroom, but too quickly. I felt someone tug on my bag, sooner than I could comprehend, I was being pulled into the hallway and slammed against the lockers.
The metal was thin and flimsy, which meant my skull probably left a decent sized dent in the cheap material, but the pain was undeniably present as it throbbed through my head, accompanied by the ringing in my ears. Their eyes were all on mine, except for the ones in the group who didn't support what was happening but were to chicken-shit to say something about it; to scared to stop it.

They were harmless.

The ring leaders though, they were the ones who scared me, but emotions were a lost cause, especially since my dad's death. So the fear inside me, I bottled up behind a straight face, vacant of emotion.

They would call me names, threaten me, whisper insults of things that were far from true, before they would land a punch somewhere where it would hurt and leave me on the ground, laughing as the strode away. It wasn't until they were gone, when I was home alone, that I let tears fall. But as soon as they came, they were gone; quickly; bottled up inside me, just like everything else. I was tired of living this way, and I was going to do something about it. I was going to end this once and for all.

Permanently.

• end of flashback •

I slowly reentered reality as the distant memory faded away, and I was back to wondering if we were lost. Just as I was about to ask, Grace stopped in her tracks, with me almost running in to her in surprise; we had finally came up on a small building.

A dusty sign stood in front of the doors that read

'Public Library'.

I was still a bit confused as to why we were here, all I knew was we were looking for Grace's mom. The whole walk into town, Grace had been silently lost in thought, my failed attempts at conversations consoled me to be quiet, and it had stayed that way. Grace was so enveloped in her thoughts, she couldn't hear a thing.

Now we walked into the small library and I watched Grace's shoulders stiffen. I followed her gaze to a small woman pushing a cart full of books. She'd stop every so often, disappearing into the aisle, placing books onto the dusty shelves.

I followed Grace as she slowly approached the woman until we were standing right in front of her. With our closer proximity I could see the lady better, and at that moment I realized it was Grace's mom, you could barely tell them apart. Her dark brown hair matched Grace's closely, besides a few grey hairs peeking through. Her eyes were the same dark blue, but held a sadness I had only seen once before; in my own mother's eyes.

Her face looked drained and hollow as if she hadn't slept in days. Her body looked weak and frail and her movements were slow and rigid, which led me to believe that every move she made took an undeniably large amount of effort. Her tear stained cheeks and swollen eyes weren't the first clue that she had been crying, her breathing was shaky and uneven, as if she was holding in a sob that needed to be released.

I glanced over at Grace and tears were running evenly down her cheeks, "Mom."

The lady shoved a hard back book into the shelf without a second thought, Grace's words going unheard.

"Mom." Grace tried again, and again.

We followed her mother around the library for what seemed like forever until I was trailing behind Grace into the parking lot, and into the back of her mom's Black Minivan. I gave her a questioning look and she answered me with a smile; the least convincing smile I had ever seen.

"Where are we going?"

She bit her lip, holding back a sob she was working so hard to keep in.

"Home."