Staccato

Holding Onto Smoke

It's 4 o' clock and I'm sitting on the swing chair in our porch, staring out across the huge garden and at the gate. Some sprinklers are on and they spray water across the green lawn in twisting arcs, catching the sunlight and glinting like rainbow-coloured sequins. The bushes and the hedgerows stand quietly and the little flowers peeping from them seem to wink at me as they flutter in the breeze. It's all calm and still and only the chirping birds disturb the air.

And I wait.

My mom is sitting right beside me. Miss Denise is busy in the kitchen preparing the ingredients for the pies and cookies. When Efrim will arrive, my mom will leave us together and go help Miss Denise.

"What time's it now?" I ask her.

"It's five minutes past four," she says, and circles an arm around the small of my back; I lean my head in and rest against her side, eyes intent on the gate across the garden standing imposingly, yet elegantly. I want them to open, and I want to see a car roll in and park before the porch, and I want to see a black-haired kid step out of it, and I'll run toward him and hug him and hold his hand and tug his arm and run with him to my play room.

And I wait and wait.

My heart beats heavier with each passing minute.

"What time's it now?" I ask her again.

"Quarter past four." she lets me know softly.

"Why is he not here yet?" I ask in a small voice.

"He'll be here in some time, don't worry." mom shakes me gently against her side with the arm she has around me.

And I wait and try not to worry. With increasing worry. I can almost hear the second hand tick away in my mom's wrist watch.

We wait for a long, long time.

"Mom, what time's it now?" and now, I feel a tight pain in my throat.

"Quarter to five," she says softly. She sounds sad.

And my heart aches and the pain in my throat tightens. My mom stirs and draws her arm away from me, and I lift my head up from her bosom.

I feel weak, I can't sit up straight.

"He's not here yet, mom," I say tremulously.

My mom's peat black eyes look gently at me. She reaches a hand and caresses my hair back. "We'll go in and wait now. C'mon lets go in."

"No," I shake my head. My brows are creased together tightly and I feel something well up in me. My eyes begin to brim and scald with tears.

My mom looks piteously at me and leans in and kisses my cheek. She tries to grab me around my midriff and lift me, trying to take me in herself.

I squirm away, whispering 'no, no.'

My mom leans back with a despairing sigh, looking at me pleadingly. "C'mon honey, I promise he'll come the moment we go in,"

"No he won't. He's not gonna come. He's not gonna," I break into sobs, shaking my head.

"Oh my poor baby," she grabs me anyway, and hold me tightly, and my protests are not effective as she tows me away into the living room, me kicking and sobbing in her arms.

I twist away sharply from her and clamber over the sofa and let myself sag under the weight of grief; I hide my head into the cushions and sob hard.

I hear my mom sigh.

"Baby," she caresses my back.

"Noo, go away.." I weep harder, muffling my trembling keens against the cushions.

I hear my mom sniffle, too, and it makes my cry harder. The grief is so huge, I never knew I had so much of grief in me and now it's crashing in me like a huge waterfall and I drown in it and I cry and cry.

My mom paces around desperately, I hear my nanny's voice, I hear her trying to soothe me..

Then I hear my mom talking to someone on the phone.

"Hello, Linda? Yeah, yeah I was wondering why Efrim isn't here yet." a pause, then she says, "Oh. Well isn't there any possible way- Linda my son is heartbroken." she pauses again; I can feel her pacing around.

"It's just too cruel, that's all I have to say." she says in a clipped tone, before hanging up.

She sniffles, it sounds very wretched, and I know Efrim's mom said Efrim's not gonna come, and I'm wailing into the cushion.

I suddenly smell her flowery perfume and her soft clothes brush against me and her hand rub gently on my back, "Don't cry, honey, don't cry, mama's here for you." she whispers.

~*~