Akeldama | lrh

ten - hot and cold

"Everything can change in an instant.
Everything.
And then there is only before and after."

•••

"What the hell did I just do, Cal?" Luke whispers, staring at the black haired boy in horror at his own actions. He may or may not have just spilled everything about the events that took place over two hours ago with a certain very pretty, very stubborn girl. Calum glares at him, but pulls the covers from his body and sits up anyway.

He had been asleep when Luke scrambled into his tent after an hour of pacing and throwing knives into random shit. The blue eyed boy's mind was a mess, everything he had ever believed in was stretched into a thin veil like a window, and he's just now seeing through it. He had to talk about it with somebody, and the only person who he trusts enough to do so is Calum.

"Dude, you need to calm down."

"I like her Calum. Fuck me, I like her. This has never happened to me in my life, and I probably just scared her away. So don't you dare tell me to calm down."

Calum squints at him. "Calm down."

Luke gapes at him.

"Luke, you're overthinking this. Why the hell did you even say those things to her in the first place?"

Luke clenches his fists at his sides, the familiar storm of anger and confusion he's begun to associate with Alex swirling inside him. "I don't know."

"Yes you do."

"She just makes me so angry." Luke blurts out, finally mustering up the words in his head. "With her stupid pretty eyes and her stupid full lips and her stupid stubborn personality. She's so hell bent on her own feelings she doesn't even seem to care about anybody else's, and then accuses me of doing the same thing?? Jesus Christ, she drives me crazy."

Calum stares at him. "Luke."

"What?"

"You just described yourself."

Luke scoffs at him, but there's actual tightness in his throat. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, from what I've seen, all you've been to her is arrogant. Arrogant, then mildly nice, then indifferent again. You're constantly hot and cold because you're mad that somebody is having this kind of effect on you." 

Deep down, Luke knows Calum is right. He's spent his entire life learning to be completely numb, to ignore his own feelings and others and just focus on the task at hand. He was taught that any kind of non platonic relationship only ties bricks to his feet and does nothing good for him. He was taught that all he should care about is his country and his troop, and that anything that threatens either of those things must be eliminated. He was taught, in a nutshell, how to be an unstoppable warrior that relies on logic instead of emotions. Emotions only slow you down. Emotions make you weak.

Luke swallows. "You're right."

"I know I am." Calum rolls his eyes, yawning. "Are we done here? I'd like to get some sleep."

Luke plays with his fingers, itching to be around a blade again. "Yeah, sorry."

He leaves Calum's tent with an entirely new perspective on things.