A Student's Diary

@27@

WARNING!!!!
Depression-related content!!!
Do not read if depressed or dealing with it.

Depression

Is not just a clinical illness, but also a feeling.
A feeling of being drenched in darkness. Your own.
You swim in a pool of emotions, yet do not cross but drown.
Your eyes water but you prevent the fall.

Wishing for such certainties to come,
For my death to soon be.
"Living in my own darkness is certainly my key"
At that thought to think it's true, yet not to the slightest.

A phrase I have always thought for months and years,
The words that I made myself believe.
Thoughts in my head that have always swarmed,
Always painful and afflicting, and I was never warned.

The beat of my heart slowly becomes the pain I prevent
Yet let to take over my world.
The hardest I try, the more painful it is when I fail.
No matter how much I try, it will be hard to prevail.

A smile that was once and never shown,
Never felt but dreamt and tears the air has blown
A laugh so beautiful convey my happiness,
Longing for its sound yet missing everything profound.

Broken dreams and missing parts,
Lies told in the form sweet words
Wondering how it feels to be one with the free birds
But the dream is torn and shriveledni to dust

Survival at its fittest
In the forest of my own thoughts,
The dangerous animals become the blades,
The soaring eagle become the heights.

For years and years I've thought
For I have fought and survived this drought.
The cruelty of the world and its beings
The uncanny clarity of giving up and fleeing.

The balance that they aim but yet never gain
The treatment they long but never do
Those words that they speak yet never come true.
Born into a world of lies and liars.

The happiness I've thought that I will never hope.
I long to be free as I take that step to the rope
Feeling that if you stop to breathe the sorrow will be gone.
Thinking that the hell will end if your life is to be done.

Yet will be not, as I will feel more pain.
Not the obvious, but the hidden
By darkness and the dimmed light.
One who worked hard to win the fight.

I could no longer handle the fate of the war
"So shall I give up?"
That same question I ask myself
When I plunge into my depths.

Yet to think twice as not to do
As I will still wonder if they care about me.
Not really all, but I've proven a few.
But those tiny pebbles are what's keeping me
From closing my eyes forever.

Giving me the reason to live it more.
If not or I feel no one would ever,
I'll remember everyone.
I'd think if I'd take action.

Think if I would like to end
And remain down to never ascend,
To give in to the enemy I've always fought.
Think if such a hard battle should be given up.

I've never though that I'm a treasure and a great part of this world.
Without me, it will never be the same.
It would change the game.
But I guess it would be fun if I was gone.

I am here for a reason
A lot but not for treason.
I don't think my existence is important.
So is my soul, emotions and physical embodiment.

These emotions that I feel are always held within,
Not only for myself, but also for everyone else.
I don't want to bother them with the things
That I've hidden and they've no use for.