Addiction

chapter nineteen

BLAKE’S POV:

“Your suspension will stretch over six days.”

“Is this a joke?” I protested loudly, standing up out of my seat. If it wasn’t for this desk between this old coot and I; who knows what I would’ve done by now.

“Be quiet and sit down!” Mrs Croucher demands whilst harshly tapping her pen on the desk. “You will be issued worksheets and the expectations will be high to complete them. You may finish the rest of your classes today before your suspension starts. Violence will not be tolerated at this school Blake.”

“Do you even have any recognition of what actually happened that day?” I try to reason, becoming more agitated.

“Blake, I shall not receive any nonsense excuse to as why you have broken the schools code of conduct and pursued violence, not once, but twice.”

“Ms-”

“Get out,” she presses quickly, trying to contain her anger for something she has no fucking idea over.

Mondays are officially shit. This cow has confirmed it.

I slowly get up from my seat, nudging it with my foot so it will move further away from the desk, pissing Croucher off by not tucking it in. My body turns on its heel and progresses its way towards the exit of the office.

.

.

I find myself walking towards the carpark fence, dropping my school bag on the lengthy grass before sitting down.

I don’t have a clue how I’m going to cope being at home by myself for six days. Half an hour is enough to make me want to destroy something.

And Harper. She’s going to be pissed off, at the school, but more and most at me. Thinking of the girl now; I’m uncertain. Uncertain to as where this “friendship” is going or how it’s going to polish up in the long run or even in the next two/three weeks. Who knows? I’ve been fed nothing but false hope for years and I don’t want Harper to be a part of another disastrous expectation for myself.

Six days isn’t a lot, but it’s enough for me to momentarily, emotionally and physically wreck myself again, disappointing Harp included. I might just go down to the skate park and illegally tag my days away, spray painting over the amateurs designs that have no meaning. Coming home in the afternoons to a beautiful girl that I'll eventually demolish the chances with due to my doubtable nature, hers mirroring my own.

Is it worth it? Is it worth dragging harper along with me, even down? It’s a constant battle every day to either attempt to initiate something with the girl or push her away but my mind procrastinates all the time; keep her with me, keep me sane, let her stay at yours.

I’m being selfish, I know it.

I’m making promises to never leave her or do any wrong by her but I’m honestly not sure if I can keep them. Spilling my feelings that have only just strongly developed over the last week or so, being friends with her for well over half a year before this. 

I've only recently turned into a sap, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's better than not feeling anything at all.

Am I going too ahead of myself…? I think so. My actions never co-operate with my feelings so I tend to completely ignore myself and go with whatever I want at that exact moment, not thinking afar as fucking always.

Just two individuals with mutual feelings towards each other, that want to be more but can’t because it’s too much too soon and the first individual (that being me) is fucked up, has a slight alcohol addiction and becomes attached too easily and will fall hard and hurt the second individual that the first individual really really cares about. The first individual will always feel like he’s not good enough for the second individual and he will struggle to understand that the second individual hopefully doesn’t give a fuck and will want to be with him regardless.