Call Us Crazy

Chapter One

Hey :D

Here we go…

(Oh, and beware, both of the Chloe’s are present in the first convo, but I label them either Chloe, or Chloe S. And it’s Tash, not Tasha at the mo… Thanks bro)

GOAL!

So this was a conversation me and a couple of the girls had, not too long ago. Before you ask, I have no idea why our train of thoughts are like this, so please, don’t call the psychiatric unit on us.

Tash: Oh my god, what is the ref doing? What the hell is he playing at? You’re not doing it right!

Chloe S: That’s what she said…

(This was swiftly followed by groans and complaints, from me and Tash.  I swear even Tash’s dog walked out of the room in disgust.)

Chloe S: Imagine if whilst you were having sex, there was a commentator?

*Le Awkward Silence*

Chloe: What, like shouting at the “Players”? Like, “HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!”

Tash: And, “RIGHT AT THE BACK OF THE NET.”

Chloe S: Or, “FOUL, HAND BALL!”

Chloe: “HES REALLY GOING FOR IT!”

Tash: “THE PITCH IS A BIT WET THIS AFTERNOON!”

Chloe S: “ITS WIDE OPEN, HE BETTER SHOOT.”

Chloe: “HE’S PLAYING AWAY TONIGHT.”

Tash: “BIT OF DRIBBLING THERE. NICE ONE SON.”

Chloe: “NO SPITTING ON THE PITCH!”

At this point, we couldn’t say anymore; One, we were sat nearly wee’ing ourselves with laughter, and two, Tasha’s mum just walked in and asked why we were pretending to be commentators…

 IT’S FALLEN OFF!

This is a convo between me and Grace. It’s… a bit weird, to say the least.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

 Grace: Right, I was on Ed Sheeran’s Facebook page last night, and I’ve noticed that this certain girl posts a picture of him like every day.

(I immediately just go to autopilot, just agreeing and making the occasional “I am listening” sound, even though I wasn’t. I do this whenever she mentions Ed; it’s not like I don’t like him, cause I mean, come on, us gingers have got to stick together, but he’s all I hear about whenever I’m with her…)

Chloe: Right…?

Grace: And on every picture, she puts some perverted comment on, about his dick or what she’d do to him if she could. Its proper weird and pedo-y.

Chloe: Like…?

Grace: Like, “I’d ride him til it fell off.”

Chloe: Ok?

Grace: Strangely, I agree with her on that one though.

Chloe: Grace, you’d ride it til it fell off, and then bloody stick it back on with blue-tack or whatever.

(NOTE THE SARCASM. I don’t think she realised at this point that I was joking…)

Grace: Yeah, I suppose I would enjoy that… *Dreamy Look*

Chloe: AGH, MENTAL IMAGES. MY EYES, MY HEAD. MY BABIES, AND MY BABIES BABIES WILL FOREVER HAVE THAT IMAGE BURNT INTO THERE EYE LIDS.

Grace: Chloe, you’re so weird. Some of the things you say are ridiculous.

(I just blankly stared at her, and then shake my head. IS SHE FOR REAL MAN? We then move onto another subject, about her hating sweat.)

Grace: I mean sweat is just horrible. It’s like… Ew.

Chloe: Everybody sweats though?

Grace: Yeah, but I shower four times a day, and that makes it not as bad.

Chloe: FOUR TIMES? AS IN, 1, 2, 3, 4?

Grace: Um, yeah. Why, how many times do you shower a day?

Chloe: Either once, or twice if it’s hot, like normal people?

(Cue Grace shuffling away from me, with comments of, “Gross”, “Ew” and, “Omg, why am I friends with these people?” )

Chloe: Oh god.

Grace: But I suppose if it was Eds’ sweat, I wouldn’t mind as much. Do you reckon if I met him, he’d ring his sock out for me, if I asked nicely?

Chloe: …

Grace: If he put it in a cup, I’d probably drink it asw-

Chloe: OK, STOP RIGHT THERE. EW. EW. EW. NO. I THINK IM GOING TO BE SICK.

This was followed by a hasty retreat from me, and I now know not to mention sweat or Ed Sheeran to Grace ever again.

This is all for now folks, but I’ll probably type a few more bits up tomorrow or whenever. Like I said, leave us a question, anything you want. Or tell us how we could be better, or if we suck monkey bollocks at this.

Cheers man,

UsOurselvesAndWe

x