Escaping Denial

Chapter Four: The Moment of Truth

*ding dong*

At this rate the beating of my heart was irregular. It's beating as if my life depended on it. Hah. Good one. Fuck, this is not the time to crack some corny jokes. This is the time to gather my fucks and shit together. To have a proper talk with him. Crap, am I ready to face him? I feel my cheeks, they felt like the Sahara Desert, except hotter. I put my hand on my chest, where my heart is, it got harder to breathe. Crap. Shit. Fuck.

My doorbell rang again. You can do this bitch, I believe in you. Actually yeah you're going to find a way to fuck up because you already did when you bumped into him, replied to him, and was semi naked in front of him. How is passing AP Physics easier than opening a door for a long- time-no-see friend? Oh that's an easy answer, because there are formulas for AP Physics, and the heart has no damn explanation or rules to follow. That's why "love" is scary, because that feeling, word and emotion can take you anywhere. It can take you to the lowest point of your life or make you soar on cloud nine. OR you can be in between the deepest pits of the Earth or the highest clouds.

I stare at my mirror, gazing at my reflection. "You can do this Olivia" I cheered low enough for only myself to hear, trying to motivate myself... TO OPEN A GODDAMN DOOR. Yeah no. I bring my hand to my face and slap my cheeks. Yup. It is official. Olivia Holt is slowing becoming insane. I could feel a bomb counting down, ready to explode. Okay why am I speaking in third person? I have gone officially insane. Who the hell speaks in third person in their mind? Me. That's who. The one and only, the one that overthinks, the one that overreacts, the one that gets shaken up by the tiniest things. Ok, ok I need to open this door before whoever is behind the door...him...leaves and all this overthinking and these thoughts were for nothing.

I take deep breaths as if I were Sharpay from High School Musical. *ding dong* "Coming!" I shout loudly enough for the person to stop ringing the doorbell. I open the door to a sigh of relief and disappoint.

"Ray?" "Damn babe, what were you doing? Took you awhile to open the door. Are you okay?" He asks with concern and curiosity in his eyes. Just having a marvelous morning.

"We need to talk." I said without even thinking. He gave a nervous chuckle. I looked up to see his eyes growing wide. "What's wrong?" "Honestly, I have been completely losing my mind Ray. I don't even know how I feel, I don't know what to think. But you know what I do know? I know that I don't want to hurt you. But I am selfish Ray. I am so selfish. What would you do if someone who made you fall head over heels, suddenly appeared back into your life?" I spit out without hesitating. I was afraid to look at his face, but I still looked up.

There was so much hurt in his eyes. His smile slowly disappeared. He was shocked and there were signs of pain, betrayal and confusion. He opens his mouth, lips parting, "What do you mean? I don't understand. What is going on?"

I sigh deeply, tears welling up in my eye. "What I am trying to say is that, someone else is making my heart beat. Someone else is making me feel the same way that you make me feel. Someone is completing me, the way you did, but it's different. Someone is flooding me with feelings and emotions. I'm confused myself and" My voice breaks. "I don't want to hurt you."

"It's too late for that. I thought we were going to be forever. We were literally kissing with passion yesterday." He looks down at me. His voice starts to shake. "What do you want to do?"   I gather every ounce of strength I have for these next words. "We should break up." I cried, tears falling out of my eyes." He cupped my cheeks together, and wipes the tears away with his thumbs. "Goodbye Olivia, I just don't understand what's going through your mind right now." He whispered, voice breaking apart. And with that he walked out of my silent apartment.

I shuffle my feet to my room and throw myself on my bed. My head hurts and my eyes are red and puffy. What did I just do? Our anniversary was practically weeks away. My heart sinks. I'm so stupid and selfish. *Ding dong*

My eyes grew wide. Could it be Ray? I get up from my bed and walk to the door, opening it quickly without second thought. My eyes grew wide. "Olivia?" A familiar comforting voice gently whispers to me. "Leo..oh shit, I'm sorry I forgot that you were coming over." I said, holding my tears in. "What happened? Are you okay? Who hurt you?" He asked softly, but there was anger and concern in his eyes. "No one. I brought this upon myself. This is all my fault. I hurt everyone around me. Everyone is better off without me. I'm selfish and I just think for myself." I whispered finally breaking down and letting these tears flow out of my eyes.

He walked inside, shutting the door behind him. He closes the distance between us. He wraps his arms around me and suddenly I fall in his embrace. He pats my head, and strokes my hair. "You are not selfish and I don't know what happened, but I can guarantee you that you don't spread pain. Hell, you make me very happy." He whispers in my ear.

I chuckle coldly and whisper back without hesitating. "I am selfish. I hurt the one person that gave me his whole heart. I took that and broke him. I took advantage of him, I hurt him...I hurt him...I am selfish." He breaks our embrace and looks right into my face. "Is this about Ray?" He asks curiously. I nod slowly and bite my bottom lip. "I broke up with him." I said looking down at our feet.

This time, it was his eyes that widen. "What you two broke up?" He asked surprised. "I mean what happened? Why? Aren't you happy with him?"

"I broke up with him because" I hesitated.

"Because..?" He asked initiating for me to continue.

"You."

"Me?"

"Yes, you." I said looking up and right in his eyes.

"What do you mean? Why am I the reason that you broke up with him?" He asked boldly.

"Ever since, we bumped into each other. I can't get you out of my head Leo. My heart beats faster with just the thought of you. You know what to say and what to do to make me feel right. You make me feel this type of warmth. You make my cheeks heat up. I get this tingling feeling when our skins contact. I yearn for your presence. And ever since we talked, memories come flashing back to that day. Feelings and emotions that make me crave for you. I want you and only you. I don't care about anyone else. I don't give two shits. Sure Ray and I have been together for years, but what good does time do if you don't feel fully complete? You complete me Leo. You're that puzzle piece that I have been searching for. You're the key that unlocks pure happiness. I should have never let you go back then. I want you so badly. I'm so selfish." I shout quickly, never taking my eyes off his.

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woahhh where have I been? I'm so sorry guys. I legit disappeared for like three months. But here I am!! Thank you for those that have never given up on me. Remember to follow, put notifications on, vote and comment. Thanks for the support. I love you all. - g.c.