After Valentines day, my sister found out that I went out, and well I got grounded for quite sometime, I didn't have my phone or laptop for two weeks. Longest I've gone without either of them in a long time. During this time, Renee and I didn't talk much, finding creative ways to get online to talk to her wasn't easy, and if I found a way it would only usually last 5 or so minutes before I need to close up. School re-opened from mid-term break around the 19th, a bunch of days after Valentines. I headed to school to meet worried friends asking what happened to me and why I hadn't been online in a while. They all laughed when I told them why, understandable really. I'd probably laugh at someone if it happened to them. Ben also got in trouble by virtue of me getting caught. My sister called his parents, and from there it escalated. The next three days were pretty eventful, nothing major happening, however, I kept getting asked about Renee's relationship with Morgan, and whether they are truly just friends. I'd keep my faith and reassure them, however that didn't stop the stories, people telling me different things about what they'd done. One person told me that when he asked her why she spends more time with Morgan than with me, she told him that if I ever asked about Morgan I'd get dumped. Which turned out to be accurate. Anyway, I did notice that they had started spending more time together, and we a lot touchier than before. So Friday rolled around, the last day of the week, we were headed out to a school fair, a presentation honestly, she and I were placed in the same group, usually I'd be glowing with happiness but I was furious. This is why; when we were headed onto the buses, I wanted to walk with her, I hadn't spoken to her yet, so it would usually do. We walked for a bit, and then Morgan approached us, and well that idea I had of us walking together and catching up, faded away, she ditched me entirely for him, but whatever right? They were just friends at the end of the day, and Morgan is my best friend, I know he won't do anything. To my surprise, as I was walking ahead of them, my friend comes up to me and says, "Morgan sliced you", I turn around to see them cuddling, full on holding each other as if she was about to die of the cold. I turned back around, with a tear gathering in my eye and said to him, they are just friends mate. I got into the bus, and sat far away from the two of them, in attempt to get my mind off it.
We got into the exhibition hall, and the groups were announced, and as I said, I was in her group, if I'd been told that an hour earlier my response would have been totally different. Rather than feeling the pain I was feeling when I saw it, anger was what was building inside of me. Deep inside I could feel every bone in my body rejecting her. I tried my best to avoid her as we went around the stands, it worked, I didn't say a word to her, I ended up smiling even. At the end of the exhibition we all got back into the bus to head back to school. I wanted to give it one more shot, I tried to sit next to her but it didn't work out and she ended up sitting in front of me, but I still managed to hold her hand through the gap between the side of the chairs. We arrived, and psyched as ever to make up for the time lost all day, I tried to talk to her, but again, she saw someone and ditched me completely. I realized it wasn't Morgan, it was me. I was the problem. I was so angry, that I let myself get into a situation like this, where she has me coiled around her finger, and I even considered dumping her, I told all my friends I would, but well, she just had something that I couldn't resist, my mind didn't have what it took to end it. I just couldn't. So I went home, but the events of the day were still on my mind, she texted me, she usually did, almost like she was more comfortable with texting rather than talking. She said she felt like we barely talked anymore, I felt exactly the same, but I was certain I didn't have the same view of things as her. She had, had a terrible day, primarily because she'd had a sore throat through it all.
She had gone out for dinner, and I had decided to try and doze off. I sat in bed for like 3 hours with the events of the day going through my mind, I couldn't sleep. I decided to talk to her about it, get it off my chest, I wrote a long paragraph, but just didn't have it in me to send her the message, I sent it to Morgan instead, like I was venting to him. However, before I sent it to Morgan, I made it clear to her that there was something on my mind. She woke up the next day to be like every other girlfriend, and demanded I tell her what was on my mind, I sent it to her. Took a deep breath and waited for her response, she asked if I had spoken to Morgan about it, and I said I had, and she ended it. She didn't feel like it was working out. I'll admit a part of me died when she said that. She was like my kryptonite. I tried to avoid anything, and have it over as quick as possible, if she felt that way, I couldn't do much, so I said that. Well basically, specifically I said 'Well If thats what you want, I guess we don't have to be a couple anymore.' She lost her shit, she went off on me 'testing her', she thought I was trying to see what was really motivating her to do it. I tried to stop her train of thought, I told her that I still want to be together, something I regret now, I showed her weakness, I literally bent my knee again. However, what she sent next, literally broke me.
'No, I actually literally don't think it's working out, or will work out in the future. I mean, we have nothing to talk about, and even when we do it never feels genuine, and it's almost like I have to feel guilty being with or hanging out with my best friends or working because 'I'm ditching you' but I spend most of my school time with you? And most of our relationship is physical anyways, we can't even see a movie and enjoy it without my bra having to come off?' I will admit, we had almost nothing in common, and our conversations were very dry, I'm not much of a talker, I listen more, so I'd just agree and listen to what she'd talk about, because most of the time I'd have no idea or no way to relate. However, from there I was triggered, we had two periods together a week, which we'd barely sit together in, I mean one we'd always sit together, but the other rarely, she'd always be with her best friend. Understandable really, I had my friends that I'd hang out with as well. I can count the number of times we spent lunch together, break she was always sitting out in the heat when I had to go and buy mine. Oh wait, we had two free's together, most of the time we'd spend one together, and occasionally both, but rarely because I always had music work and she'd have something to do for Art, I honestly don't get how that amounted to most of her school day. Most of our relationship was physical, she had no emotions, I'd literally look forward to her period to feel some affection from her, other than that, we'd have to be cuddling for me to get some form of affection from her. I'm a very emotional guy, this book is evidence, so It wasn't me. We were at a point where I wasn't even getting a hug in the morning anymore, so whenever I saw the opportunity to do something, I'd take it. However, taking off her bra in the cinema, wasn't the best of ideas, she had a point. However, what really stayed in my mind was, I thought she liked it all. Our conversation ended without me saying any of that. She's probably gonna see it here for the first time. Since then I haven't said anything but 'Sorry' to her.
