Honor the Horrors of the Internet

Horror of R.PT3

I've debated whether or not to tell this story for a while. For one thing, it's unlikely I'll be believed. For another, it might get me into trouble finding a job down the road in politics, at least in DC. For those of you who don't know, DC is basically a small town disguised as a city when it comes to its political community, and all the prime movers know each other. But considering what I discovered, maybe it's for the best if I find another line of work. Actually, considering what I know, I think most people would probably think even the drug trade was safer.

You know what? Let me start at the beginning. Hi, my name's Ben. It's not my real name, but with what I'm about to relate, I don't want people figuring out too much. As to what happened to me, well, it all starts with me getting hired to work as an intern on Capitol Hill with one of my home state Senators. I won't say much more about which Senator that is – I won't tell you their party affiliation, for example, because it's not at all relevant and would probably turn this whole thing into a flame war needlessly. All I'll say is that this was a male Senator (I need to admit that to use the right pronouns) who'd already won multiple elections in his home state (that's relevant for the wider story).

Now, there's a couple things you should know about being an intern on Capitol Hill. For one thing, you are basically treated as the scum sticking to your supervisor's boots. Seriously, no one in Washington wants you around except to occasionally grab them coffee, or make copies of some memo, or take notes at a hearing that they don't want to bother attending. It's drudgery designed for people who are supposed to be treated as expendable.

I'll admit, I didn't take too well to the whole culture. Unlike a lot of the rich daddy's girls and guys who get internships by exploiting political favors, I actually had a decent academic record and even some local campaign experience and I didn't like being treated like I was the stupidest and least important person in the room constantly. But, of course, I didn't want to get fired, so I didn't openly complain. I just found little ways to do the absolute least I could as a way to get back at my superiors. Things like "forgetting" the dress code on some days, or showing up slightly drunk ever couple weeks. Little stuff, but the kind of thing I knew would get under their skin. In retrospect, I would be surprised they didn't fire me, if not for what happened next.

I should mention a couple things about the office I worked in. Normally, those of us who were interns reported to whoever needed something done and couldn't be bothered to do it themselves, but officially we reported to the Chief of Staff. Let's just call him Rob, which isn't his real name either, but again, anonymity matters here.

Besides me, there were two other interns in the office: one, a completely insufferable loudmouth named Steve who kept mentioning how the Senator and his dad used to go to the same church, as if it somehow made him better than the rest of us. The other was a sweet, quiet, and totally gorgeous blonde girl named Vivian who I desperately wanted to bang, but also didn't really know how to ask out, because she was even more awkward than I was. I'd guess she probably was one of those late bloomers who'd been the unpopular outcast in high school and most of college, and really hadn't noticed she was pretty yet. We did become friends, and I once asked her to go get drunk with me at McFadden's Bar in Foggy Bottom, but I don't think she understood that I was asking her out, and just demurred because she didn't have a fake ID and didn't feel comfortable getting one. Like I said, she didn't really get the whole being social thing.

Anyway, I mention these facts because they're about to get very important. One day, when I just so happened to once again "forget" the dress code, and show up in flip flops, I got a summons from Rob, the Chief of Staff. Suddenly nervous that I might have pushed it too far and I was going to be fired, I went to his office. But that isn't what happened. Instead, when I walked in, Rob looked up from his desk and, oddly, smiled.