To Love Again

Liv

"What I'm trying to say is that... I'll miss you." Lander stated as he looked at me intently. I was at a lost of words. But, why did I feel the same? Is it right to feel sadness too? 

"I'll just miss being around great company. You're a great friend, Liv." he added. 

 Friend. Why did I feel hurt after hearing that word. Yun naman ang totoo eh. We're friends. Magkaibigan lang kami. I'm married... si Wes ang mahal ko. Si Wes lang ang mamahalin ko. Si Wes lang dapat...

"Me too, Lander. Pero we'll see each other around naman eh. And plus, you have my number. Just call or text me if you need help with anything." I stated, trying to lighten up the mood. Lander smiled. 

"Mommy... are you listening?" I was pulled back into reality by my daughter's voice. We were lying in bed and she was telling me about her day until I found myself lost in space as I thought about Lander and our dinner earlier. 

"I'm sorry, hun. What were you saying?" I asked Cassie who was staring at me.

"Mommy, can I ask you a question?" 

"Of course, Cassie. What is it?" 

"Are you going to replace Daddy?" Cassie asked, leaving me speechless. 

"Castrence, mahal na mahal ko ang Daddy nyo. No one can ever replace him, ever." I assured her. 

"Mommy, it's okay. We know naman na no one can ever replace Daddy. Pero okay lang samin if you find someone else to love. We just want to see you happy, Mommy." she said as she wrapped her arms around me. A tear fell down my cheeks. 

"I love you, Cassie. I'm so lucky to have you and Oli in my life. Sapat na kayo sakin, you give me all the happiness that I'll ever need." I stated.

"You know that's not true, Mommy. It's different if you have someone to love... like Tito Lander. We see how happy you are when you're with him. We like him for you, Mommy. And if you like him too, then we'll be super happy for you. We love you, Mommy." Cassie stated, once again leaving me in tears.

I don't know what I ever did to be blessed with such beautiful children. I know that wherever he is, Wes is beaming with pride as well. 

I thought about what Cassie said about Lander. They like him for me. These past few weeks working and being with Lander have been amazing. He makes me feel things that I haven't felt in so long. At first, I tried to ignore it. I made myself believe that it was nothing, whatever it was between us. But I knew I was only kidding myself. 

Natatakot ako. I don't know if I'm ready for this. It's been 5 years, but the pain is still there. I'm scared that what this is could end up hurting me more in the end... but what if, it doesn't? 

I needed to talk to someone about this. The next day, I visited my best friend, Nikka at her flower shop.

"Di ko na alam kung anong dapat kong gawin, Nikks." I sighed. 

"I don't know what you want to hear, Liv. Do you want me to say that it's wrong kasi si Wesley lang ang dapat mahalin mo, na pagtataksil ang ginagawa mo? Or do you want me to say that it's right kasi you deserve to love and to be loved again and that ang tanga tanga mo pag pinakawalan mo pa 'to?" she asked. This is what I love about Nikka. She's blunt, and sometimes her words hurt, but they really do help. 

"What if this hurts me in the end?" I asked. 

"What if it doesn't? Look, I haven't met Lander, but from what I've heard about him from his friends, from Wesley's family, from Cassie and Oli, and from you, I can tell that he's a good man. Give it a chance, Liv. What if you miss out on something amazing just because you were scared to take a risk?" Nikka said. 

"...give yourself a chance to love again. I'm sure it's what Wesley would've wanted." she added.

I was preparing dinner when there was a knock on the door. I wasn't expecting anyone to come over, who could it be? I walked to the door and opened it. Lander. It was Lander holding bouquet of flowers in one hand and a paper bag in another. 

"Lander... di mo naman sinabi na bibisita ka. Come in." I said.

"Surprise? Here, this is for you," he handed me the bouquet of flowers. "And I brought some pasta for you and the kids," he said as he set down the paper bag in the table. 

"Tamang tama, I was just preparing dinner. Nagluto ako ng adobo at sinigang na hipon. Join us for dinner?" I offered as I took out a bowl to put the pasta in. 

"I'd love to." Lander replied as he helped me with the pasta. "Saan nga pala ang mga bata?" tanong nya. 

"Sa kwarto nila, nagho-homework. Can you actually do me a favor and call them down for dinner?" I asked. "Sure thing," Lander replied before he headed upstairs to call Cassie and Oli. 

As soon as Lander headed upstairs, I took out my phone and texted Nikka. 

Me: "Niks, nandito si Lander sa bahay. Anong gagawin ko?" 

Nikka: "Edi akitin mo. Chance mo na yan, bes." 

Me: "Gaga, seryoso kasi. He just came here to surprise me daw. He brought flowers and pasta."

Nikka: "Naks naman, ikaw na girl. Next time tell him to buy the flowers from my shop ha. Just go with the flow, Liv. Whatever happens, happens. Basta don't forget to share all the details ha! ;)" 

Hindi man lang nakatulong 'tong bestfriend kong 'to. I heard laughter coming from the living room. It was Lander and the kids. He was carrying Oli piggyback-style and Cassie bridal-style. The kids looked so happy and at ease with him... they really do like him. 

"Hey, enough of that. Let's eat." I interrupted. We all headed to the dining room to have dinner. 

Lander and I were sharing a bottle of wine by the poolside after getting Cassie and Oli to bed. Sabi ko naman sa kanya that he didn't have to stay, that he could've left after dinner. But he insisted on helping me tuck in the kids to bed and on having a glass of wine. 

"They like you." I stated, talking about the kids.

"That's good to hear. I like them, too." Lander replied with a smile. "Liv... you're probably wondering why I'm here," 

"To have dinner right?" I replied.

"I woke up this morning and realized that... I miss you. I wanted to see you so badly. Believe me, I tried so hard to convince myself not to... to convince myself not to complicate things. You're my best friend's wife and I know that you are still in love with Wes, hindi naman magbabago yun diba? Pero nanalo 'to eh," he pointed to his heart, "I'm sorry, Liv. I tried to stop it. I promised Micah that everything was purely business, no more, no less. But I can't help myself..."

He looked right into my eyes and I felt the butterflies in my stomach flutter with every word that came out of his mouth. 

"I like you, Liv... I like you more than just a friend."