Shadowed Love

London

Rain fell in sheets against the clammy glass of the train windows as I sat in a private cabin on my way to London. I was in Britain for business, although that makes what I was doing sound important. They needed someone to visit the city to meet with an eccentric but eerily reliable informant who went by the name of Blackwell. Whoever this weirdo was, he was strangely leery of the gods, and seemed really paranoid, too. He insisted on meeting in London to impart "vital information" about the recent string of satyr disappearances along the coast of California. Apparently, I was the only one the camps could bear to let go.

I swallowed a surge of anger. A demigod as powerful as me shouldn't be sent off on a "quest" like this! I burned with resentment as I recalled the way Hazel had caught my eye as I was about to tell them I wasn't theirs to command, holding me there as she plead silently, the way only a girl who'd died once already could do. Only the thought of disappointing... shaming... Hazel, the only person who still cares, prevented me from rejecting. So here I was, on a train bound for King's Cross station.

Of course, I could have shadowtraveled, but I had been feeling tired and ill since the talk with Percy, and London was so far away, that I decided not to risk it. Looking out of the window, I watched field after field of muddy, rain drenched silver green grass pass by, perfectly matched with the dismal gray sky. Gray and depressing. I should live here. Soon the dripping countryside gave way to blunt, sharp-lined city. Hello, London.

• • • •

At the station, people of every description swarmed the platform. Uncomfortable in the crush, I looked around for the exit. To my chagrin, the nearest one was almost out of sight in the throng.

"Great," I muttered. Sighing, I turned around and began scanning for an out of the way place I could disappear into and shadowtravel. Clearly that was the only hope I had of getting out of here anytime soon. I was growing increasingly uncomfortable in the crowds. Packed train stations were really not my thing.

The only thing to be said for London so far was that no one looked twice at a teenage boy dressed in all black. Still, the shouts and jostling was getting to be unbearable. Did I mention I'm not much of a people person? By now I was really getting frustrated. I pushed through clumps of tourists and businessmen, searching roughly for anywhere I could slip away without attracting attention. Spotting a dimly lit bathroom, I ducked inside and closed the stall door. It was time to establish my London residence.

• • • •

The flat was nothing special. Just a typical cramped London apartment, available to a young adult guy with no questions asked. Of course, I might have have neglected to mention my real age, but it's not like I can't take care of myself... and it's not like I have anyone left to do it for me. Anyway, I wasn't about to let the apartment go- it was the perfect place to stay while I waited for my associate to arrive in the city. In the meantime, it was also a perfect excuse to avoid everyone I knew. Including- especially- Percy.

As I unpacked my stuff, I glanced out the bare windows. Unsurprisingly, the weather remained chill and damp. I suspected that wasn't about to change anytime soon. The transparent, rain-streaked panes reminded me of the lack of curtains. Unhappily, I trudged outside, directing my footsteps to the nearest home store. I returned shivering and clammy, my coat streaked with rain.

After putting up the dark grey curtains, decorated ironically with little skulls in the corners, I decided it was high time for a hot shower and something to eat. I set down my things and made my way to the bathroom, suddenly feeling exhausted. The bathroom was tiny, with a cramped shower and a toilet and sink. The mirror over the sink had a small crack in it, making my reflection look more ominous than ever. I looked away quickly, reaching into my bag for the cheap soap and shampoo I'd packed.

Once in the shower, I let the scalding water pound away the tension in my back and wash away the combination of fog and car exhaust that seemed to be London's special blend. Blinking my eyes, I leaned against the sliding door of the shower, contemplating the days to come. It would be a tiring stay, I knew. This was the sixth of March. Blackwell would probably arrive within the week, and the transaction of information would almost certainly be over by the end of the month, allowing for the old man's reluctant and suspicious tendencies that would no doubt drag the thing out drastically. Still, it was a pretty safe bet that I would get it out of him in a few weeks, despite my less-than-stellar people skills. That left only the question of when I would return.

Hazel would be expecting me back by April, but... I wasn't sure I could face going back then. She would want me to stick around the camps, hang out with the other demigods... I laughed bitterly. As if that would work out. Even the idea of seeing Percy made me feel hot and trembling. And Camp Jupiter would be no better.... I suddenly couldn't breathe.

The Roman camp held the one person who could destroy me with a single word, the one person who knew my secret... I gagged, imagining going back to that. I didn't want to hurt Hazel, but- in a way- wouldn't it be better for her if I stayed away? Feeling hollow inside, I thought about how it would spare her the pain of seeing me ostracized by the others, watching me destroy myself from the inside out... and anyway, as much as I cared for my sister, she never understood me, and she never will.

She thought that our shared patronage, our ghostly experiences with death and undeath, the ultimate taboo, bound us together like nothing else could. And maybe, in some respects, she was right- but no one would ever be that close with me. No one could ever understand just how fundamentally messed up I was inside... and Hazel, for one, had never guessed at my secret. She would probably welcome me into her group with open arms, but it wouldn't work that way just because she wanted it to. She'd expect me to make friends, want me to- I choked. What if she tried to set me up with a girlfriend?! I'd never even imagined that...

Horrified, I closed my eyes and bit my lip. There was no way I could face that host of people who cared too much, knew too much, or were all too ready to judge. I couldn't let any of them have that power over me. I couldn't let Jason hold my black-hole secret over me like a death sentence- worse than one. I couldn't let myself break Hazel like that... and I couldn't let Percy break me. My heart had been shattered and ripped at and poisoned too many times already... I couldn't take another stab and live. I knew, without a doubt, that if I returned to Percy, Percy with his sunlight laugh and ocean eyes and his girlfriend, if I returned to him, I would be cut so many times I would implode, and even death held no peace for me. My feelings and fears would chase me forever, and no matter what I did, I was cursed. Life was torture, and death was hell. The only thing I could do was run as fast and as far as I could, and never let anyone in.

Lost in thought, I barely noticed the water turn icy cold. As I shut off the tap, my mind was made up. I would not be returning to America in April. I couldn't. I had decided to stay in London... indefinitely.